Page 103 of Rival to the Billionaire

"But you're thinking it. Of course you are." I lower my voice. "I don't need to hear it. The way I'm feeling right now, I might have to deafen myself if I have to hear anything more."

Alton stares ahead of us into the distance for a moment, then turns back to me. "I know what it's like…to let something go. But let me tell you something: It eats away at you." He runs his hand through his hair again. "It eats away at your insides until all you're left with is a shell. A cold, hard shell that's empty and often too tense to even smile. That's no way to live, Ryder."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've been fine." I shrug. "I just need a break. And I'll be alright."

"No, you won't," Alton replies. "Because you won't be taking a break. You'll be running. Running from what's really going on with you."

"Do we have to discuss this now, in the middle of the night?" I shoot him a look.

"Look, I tried to run away from the situation of my divorce with Michelle. From the custody battle over Shelby. From the mess I was starting to make of my personal life. And all I did was tire myself and make things worse." He turns to face me. "I know you and Jenny are in a similar situation. But I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be like that. You can talk to me." He pauses. "Talk to her. You can fix this."

"There's nothing to fix," I say, trying not to let my voice waver. I won't let him see how truly pathetic I am about all of this. "I'm telling you, Alton. I'm not letting myself think about her. For either of our sakes."

"You can't get it out of your head until you do." He crosses his arms over his chest. "Because it's always going to be there. You can't run from your mind. From your emotions. I tried." His lips twitch upwards in what Alton's world counts for a smile. "It didn't work. And all I had left was a gaping hole and a TV watch history with more Law & Order episodes than the law should allow."

"Jacking off to Mariska Hargitay, huh?"

"I was trying to avoid how I felt," he says, then shakes his head a little. "And yes, I was jacking off to Mariska Hargitay. But that's beside the point. The point is that I didn't think things through when I got divorced. All I did was bury it. And that's no way to live. I mean, I knew. I knew I could live without Michelle. I knew I was better off without her. Can you honestly say that you're better off without Jenny in your life? That you're happier? More at peace?"

I don't respond. There's nothing to be said, because Alton is right.

With her in my life, I'd be happier than I've been since Jenny and I were kids.

I think about the way my life has been lately. The way I've been more focused, more productive, more driven than I've ever been.

Even when Jenny hated me, she'd pushed me. Challenged me.

She'd been the one to make me want to get better and take action. And now that she's gone, I haven't been able to get anything done. To focus. To get my act together.

"Do you feel lost without her?" Alton asks.

I don't speak a word, but my mouth tugs into a frown and my eyes squeeze shut. I do feel lost. Lost and empty and more than a little confused.

"She betrayed me," I tell him.

"Do you even know why?"

I rub my hand over my face.

"I'm going to take that as a no.” Alton sighs. "You need to talk to her."

"I don't know, Al. I said some pretty fucked up stuff to her before I took off."

This time, Alton's smile is wide. "So, what's new? You don't have a reputation for being a saint, Ryder."

"You're not helping."

"What's the worst that could happen? Maybe she'll shoot you down? Maybe she'll ignore you? Or maybe…she's got a different idea in mind. Maybe there's something you both need to work through."

"You really think so?"

He nods. "Listen, I know what it's like to lose someone you love." He gets a faraway look in his eyes. "I know how it feels to want to stop feeling that way. To just…stop feeling."

And that's when I get it. He'd lost Shelby's mother—his wife—due to her infidelity.

And I know that must have been a lot like what I'm feeling now.

"How did you deal?" I ask him. "With the pain?"

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