I don't even feel the pain immediately, his words slashing my heart in a way that sends me reeling.
With one more glance at me, his eyes almost bold, daring me to look down, he turns on his heel and walks towards the bedroom door. The t-shirt and jeans he's wearing hang delicately on his muscular body, their sheen a visible flare in the soft lighting.
The light from the open bathroom door flickers as he passes by it, sending shadows dancing on the walls.
Once the shock wears off, I follow, on his heels, anger burning in my stomach all over again.
"How dare you?" I say, my fists curling up at my sides. "You're the one who doesn't want to care, who doesn't want to be with anyone. You're the one who's scared to…"
He spins around, a fierce gleam in his eyes. "I didn't ask you to care about me. I didn't ask you to give a shit! I never asked for your pity, for your help, for your charity. Why should you care?"
"But I do! I freaked when you didn't come back to the hotel after the restaurant. I thought you were freaking dead! You…"
"And?" he says, stepping into my face. "You freaked? You showed your emotions? Wow. A gold star for you, Forde. Where do I collect? Where do I get my prize?"
His sarcasm is dripping from every word.
Before I even realize it, I'm batting him on the chest, one finger again rising in the air in front of his face.
"This is not the time for jokes," I shout. "This is not the time for your little games. This is not the time for you to come in here, all high and mighty and act like an ass. Not to me! Not after all that we've been through together!"
"You mean, not after all we've been 'stuck' through together,” he replies, the bitterness in his voice palpable. "Not after all those emails of mutual hatred. The never-ending games of who can insult who a little bit more. All those nights we've stayed up way too late slinging threats and insults at each other… Admit it, Jen. You love to fucking hate me. You've been loving it since we were fourteen. Since my parents died and you walked away. Since I became a burden."
My mouth falls open, and before I can even utter a word of protest, he's in my face again.
"I was just another speed bump getting in the way of your triumphant climb to the top. Your all-American girl dream. I was holding you back and you did the only thing a girl who hates to lose could possibly do. You abandoned me. You just walked away from the person who needed you the most."
I'm speechless, almost winded at the weight of his accusations, struggling to find words, to find anything to say to him.
His eyes are so close to mine, I can see the sparks of rage in his sapphire eyes, feel the heat of frustration in his heart.
My stomach goes ice cold. "Is that what you think? That I thought you were a burden? That I didn't care?"
He pauses, as if he's waiting for me to go on. But I can't. I can't find any words.
I feel the memories rising up in my mind like a tide, pulling me away from reality, washing me out to sea and dragging me deep below.
Ryder's eyes soften and he stares long and hard at me before shaking his head, his dark hair falling forward. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, what happened back then. What matters is what's happening now. And right now, you're still just trying to get ahead of everything. You're still just trying to push me out of the way every chance you get."
I crane my head up at him, the surge of anger like a knife through my veins. "That's not true," I say, my voice shaking. "That's not true. I am nothing like that. Not anymore."
His mouth opens, ready to say something, but then he stops. He closes it. Opens his mouth again and gives me a look of utter disbelief.
"So, what is it then, Forde? Why are you here? Why pretend you care when you don't? Come on, cat got your tongue?"
I don't answer him. Instead, I keep walking resolutely towards the bedroom, my mind still trying to catch up with what he's just told me.
What he's been saying to me.
All this time, I've thought that he hated me. I thought his parents' death turned him mean, into a bully. I thought he didn't have anything good left in him. No trace of kindness, no trace of hope, no trace of reason.
But now I see.
Now I understand everything.
What both of us have been feeling.
What we've been protecting.