"Okay, you're going to give me your recipes," I say as I finish chewing my bite. "This is amazing."
I wait for her to move the chair across from me so that we can eat together, but she doesn't. Instead, she pulls the chair out and sits down, looking at me. "Of course, I will. And then you're going to spill everything to me. No more secrets."
"Spill?" I lick my lips as I push my food around my plate. "You know I don't have secrets."
"Right. You're the most open, transparent woman in the known universe."
I roll my eyes and bite into another bite of spaghetti. "What do you want me to spill?"
"The reason that you've been avoiding your phone and email for days. The reason you called out sick from your job. In the year or so I've known you, Muñeca, I've never seen you so…so…upset." Carmina shrugs her shoulders and takes a bite of her food. "I'm worried about you. Please tell me that there isn't a man involved in all this."
"I can't. A man…" I clear my throat. "A man has a lot to do with it."
She nods. "I know. It's that fucking Ryder. And he hurt you, didn't he?" She reaches over the table and pats my hand. "He knocked you down. I'll kick that bastard right where the sun doesn't shine on his rich ass."
I feel tears sting my eyes again. "It's not like that."
Now's the time to confess. So, I do it.
I tell Carmina everything about Ryder and me.
Everything.
From top to bottom.
She sits there and listens to me, occasionally asking questions here and there, but not too many. She just lets me ramble on and on like I'm in a confessional.
When I finally stop talking, she leans back in her chair, her brown eyes wide. "Wow," she says simply. "You really loved him."
"I really did," I whisper, rubbing my temples. "And it hurt so bad when he walked out on me. I thought I was losing my mind. The pain was so real."
She sits there for a moment, the lowered sound of the Mexican music still playing in the background. She leans forward.
"Okay," she says simply. "I'm going to ask you a few questions. And you're going to answer them as honestly as you can. You can have as much time as you need to think about your answer before you tell me."
"Okay."
"Babe, if you love him…then why let him leave?"
"I don't know," I whisper, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "It was just a feeling."
"A feeling?"
"Yes. An instinct." The words come out of my mouth before I realize it. "Who wants to deal with all this shit? All my shit? All my family's shit? It's exhausting." I look down at the table. "A sister who supports an emotionally abusive husband. A mother who tries to commit suicide every time she hears from her former physically abusive husband. And me, a daughter and sister so fucked up I can barely keep it together on any given day. But then I have to be the strong one and take care of everyone else. What man would want to deal with all this?"
I look up, tears starting to stream down my face as Carmina rubs my arm.
Her voice is soft. "Babe, a man who loves you…that's who."
"No, Carmina. You can't say that."
"Yes, I can." She takes a sip of her wine and wipes away a tear from my cheek. "You deserve to be happy. That's what life is all about."
I take a deep breath. "No, no. I’ve been shit. I was shit at fourteen years old, and I’m shit at twenty-nine. I have to let this…Ryder go. It's time for me to move on."
"See?" She nods, her eyes wide. "That right there…that's your self-reliant ego getting in the way. I mean, does Ryder even know about all this? Your mother's suicide attempts? Your abusive father? Does he know why you weren't there when his parents died? Because you were fourteen and too busy making sure your mother didn't end up in her own grave."
I shake my head. "No. He doesn't know."