Page 109 of Mortgage of Convenience

My heart rate picks up. It isn’t too late to back out, but the memory of that night—hell, of any night in the last four months—is enough to make me step onto the escalator.

Next stop, confrontation.

I can do this.

“I don’t know where to start.”

There’s a scoff beside me. This is going great so far.

“In the last few months, I’ve realized that I have been trying to be someone I’m not, and when I become this other version of myself, I’m only doing it to make someone else happy. And all the while, I’m miserable.”

Beside me, Morgan sips her drink, eyes unmoving from the television, where Thatcher and Tobias are still frozen in their argument. They loom over the conversation like an omen.

The ice clinks in her drink. “You’ve changed since you got back. At first, I thought it was because you were embarrassed about having to crawl back here, but it’s more than that, isn’t it?”

I curl my toes inside my sneakers. After all this time, all the snide little comments I’ve heard from her, I still hoped.

“Do you remember that night at Toxicity?”

She nods.

“After you told me about that girl taking photos of me, I approached her in the bathroom. Got in her face and accused her.” The memory still burns. “That’s not who I am.”

“Wow. So what? I don’t even get the chance to defend myself? You’ve just decided you don’t want to be friends with me anymore and that’s it? I didn’t make you approach her.”

I’m explaining this wrong, but the only way forward is through.

“Except you did, Morgan. Do you know how often you pout when I say I don’t want to drink? That it’s easier for me to just go along with whatever you want? I wouldn’t have even noticed her if you hadn’t pointed her out, told me some lie about her photographing me.”

Finally, she turns, her expression cold. “You don’t know?—”

“She showed me her phone. There was nothing on it.”

“Unbelievable. And after everything I’ve done for you. All those nights I talked you up to guys, got you dates, said no to people because you didn’t want to be alone…” She laughs, but the sound is sharp. Mocking. “I should have known you’d turn your back as soon as you got a guy.”

That’s the last straw.

“Sebastian has nothing to do with this.”

“Oh, you are sleeping with him. How long have you been lying about that to my face?”

My instincts are screaming at me to protect myself, engage, fight, but I know better now. I can see how I believed the slander she fed me rather than seeing it for what it really is.

Not seeing Morgan for who she is.

She got one thing right. I have changed.

“Do you want to know why? The real reason why? It’s because when I’m around you, I’m sad. I don’t like theway you talk about other people. I don’t like the way you talk to me. I don’t want to call you a bad person, Morgan, but you’re not a good friend. When we’ve gone out, you’ve left me alone or made me feel paranoid. You get mad when I don’t want to drink with you, and you don’t want to do anything if drinking isn’t involved.

“Do you know you almost never have anything nice to say about other people? You make fun of me like you think it makes it okay, but have you ever stopped to wonder whether it hurts my feelings? Would you even care?”

She looks away, because no, it probably never occurred to her.

“You’re allowed to like what you like, but if anyone disagrees with that, they’re wrong, or worse, they’re idiots. You defend your opinions as though everyone else is personally attacking you, and you never think that maybe you simply enjoy hurting them first.”

Morgan scoffs, but when she opens her mouth, I’m done. She’s had plenty of time (years) to say her piece, laying a foundation of doubt and insecurity, brick by brick.

“No, I have to say this, and you’re going to listen.” This isn’t about the book or Sebastian’s challenges or even about our drinking. It’s about finally tapping into the strength I’ve always had and standing up for myself, because I know and like who I am. “The reason you don’t recognize me is because you’ve never really looked. You see what you want to see, and I let you. I played at who you thought I was, because I didn’t want to disappoint you, but guess what? You’ve disappointed me. Because who I am? She deserves to be loved as she is. I don’t want to have to earn your friendship anymore, Morgan. I nevershould have had to in the first place. You think I’m boring? That’s okay. I’m happy being me, and if that’s boring to you, then you are free to go make more interesting friends. I’m done.”

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