Page 113 of Only You

I didn’t say anything. So far HIV eventually led to AIDS in all cases, and AIDSwasa death sentence. “Do we know for sure how it happened?” I asked.

“What?”

“How he ended up positive?”

“Who knows? After the last guy, the one who broke his arm, he promised to always use condoms. But it could have been that guy from last spring. The one whose condom broke.”

“Yeah.”

“But he sleeps around so much, and he’s always refused to be tested.” Daniel wiped a hand over his face. “He hasn’t always been as careful as he could have been. I don’t know why. It’s not that hard to use condoms.”

I didn’t mention how muchheseemed to yearn to be even closer to me, to be with me flesh-on-flesh. I cleared my throat, coming at it from a different angle. “In class my teacher told us about condom refusal in gay men,” I said, and then proceeded to explain Donnie Huggins’s take on it all. “Maybe what Minty’s doing is related to that? Only…rough instead of loving.”

“Maybe.”

“But why would he crave it?” I asked.

“Some people just do,” Daniel said. “His father abused him. When he was a kid, there was a lot of physical abuse. So, in his life, love and pain were mixed up, you know?”

I felt sick. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah. After Minty’s parents got divorced, things got better. But he started to become more and more effeminate during middle school, and there was a day when—” He shook his head, rubbing at the center of his own chest like it hurt to breathe. “That’s Minty’s story.”

“If you need to tell me so that you’re not carrying that alone for him anymore, you can,” I said. “I won’t tell him that I know or tell anyone else either.”

Daniel gazed at me, the need to let this out of his system plain on his face. “All right. You promise?”

“On my soul.”

“All right. God. This is hard.” He rubbed his chest again. “So…there was a day after the divorce when his father came by their house. Minty’s mom wasn’t home, and he caught Minty dressed as a girl.”

“Oh God.”

“Yeah. He told Minty he’d show him what girls were made to be used for if that’s what he wanted to be so badly.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “You can guess the rest.”

“He…” I swallowed hard and whispered, “He raped him?” My gut churned.

Daniel nodded. “So you see the connection. In the past, Minty only fucked bullies when he ran into his dad or was forced to interact with him. But…this. This is new.”

“I know.” I felt sick all over.

“I let him down. I should have taken more care with him these last few months, made sure he was using condoms, and—”

“Daniel, you can’t control everything. You can’t make your mom stop drinking, or keep your siblings safe, or make Minty use condoms. You can only do whatyoucan do and accept that it’s not as much as you want to do. Believe me, I know what it’s like to feel helpless, but it’s not going to do anyone any good to blame yourself.”

“Minty blameshimself. That’s why he’s using Kyle as self-punishment.”

“Minty is angry,” I agreed. “But you can’t do anything more than be his friend.”

“I know what you’re saying is true, but I’m so scared.”

I slung my arm over his shoulders, squeezing. “I’m scared for him too.”

“Yeah.”

We sat in silence with my arm around him, our bodies close, and the thumpa-thumpa of the dance floor starting up downstairs. There was no return of Barry or Minty, and none of the other guys showed up either.

“He’s too young for this,” Daniel said after a long time. “He doesn’t deserve it. Not after all he went through growing up.”

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