Page 168 of Only You

In the kitchen, Adam sat at the kitchen counter, wearing a pair of my sweats—too short—and one of my T-shirts—too tight. He ate from a cereal bowl, with jerky, mechanical movements and a hollow expression in his eyes.

My father was on the phone. Sitting down across from Adam, I poured myself a bowl of cereal, too, and listened in to the conversation. It became clear that my dad was talking to Adam’s older brother, Mo.

“I see,” Dad said. “Well, that’s good. Yes, he can stay here one more night. And after that?”

Adam’s gaze landed on me.

My heart wrenched. Bruises, swelling, despair, and yes, shining at me from beneath that sadness, was love. Raw, hopeful, yearning love.

I looked away, wanting no part of that. Not ever again. “Why is Dad the one talking with him?” I asked. “Why aren’t you?”

“I can’t.” Adam shook his head. His voice sounded like he’d sobbed all night. “I don’t want to hear what he has to say.”

“Adam, he’s not going to abandon you.”

Adam shrugged. “He’s always hated me.”

“That’s not true,” I said. Even I knew that was a lie. “He doesn’t hate you. And Sarah would never let him do that, even if he did.”

Adam rubbed a hand over his eyes, his lips trembling. “I ruined everything for him. I can’t ask him for help he doesn’t want to give or to risk his relationship with our dad. I just…I can’t talk to him. I can’t.”

I knew his fears were unfounded, but I understood. He’d put all of them in the path of a volcanic explosion with his confession. I could imagine Mo and Sarah didn’t understand what had led him to admit it all in the first place. Not when they wanted him living in the closet, repressing everything, shoving it down, making it easier for the family. For them.

“I’m sorry.” I held myself back from taking his hand. “You were brave.”

“I was stupid,” he spat out.

I pressed my lips together. Part of me thought he was, especially if he thought he could be with me. If that had factored in any way into what had happened with his dad last night, hehadmade a terrible mistake.

But I also knew what kind of strain it was to be living like that, hiding myself, afraid every moment of every day that the wrong people would “find out” and hurt me. I understood the temptation to just get it over with.

If that was what had happened, I understood.

I didn’t ask.

Dad’s conversation seemed to be wrapping up.

“I’ll tell him,” Dad said, his tone softer now. “And, let me just say, Mohammed, I’m terribly sorry things ended up like this.” He replaced the phone and turned to us.

“That was Adam’s brother.”

Obviously.

“He was calling from the gas station down the road. He said he figured Adam was here because we’re within walking distance, and Sarah said he’d be here.”

I swallowed.

Sarah.How must she be feeling this morning? She’d always tried so hard to protect Adam. She’d done her share of awful, asshole things to help him keep a lid on his bisexuality and male lovers. She must be feeling like a failure. Though she shouldn’t. She didn’t bear any more guilt than I did. If anything, she bore less.

I’d been the one who—

No. I shut off that line of thinking. I wasn’t going to let myself get suckered into believing I needed to save Adam. Just like Daniel, I couldn’t be everyone’s hero, or evenanyone’shero. I was still trying to save myself, and I was succeeding. I wasn’t going to get pulled back down into a pit of pain.

“Mo also said Adam’s representation of the facts is true. His father won’t allow Adam access to their house, car, or tuition money, or any other kind of maintenance. His mother has been arguing in support of him, but Mo thinks, if his father capitulates at all, it’ll be some time in the future. For now…Adam’s been cut off.”

Adam didn’t flinch. He’d known. He must have known even before he’d confessed the truth to his father. How painful had it been for him? To speak his truth aloud and know it was going to cost him his relationship with his dad, his place in the family? His relationship with hismom?

“Mo also said to tell you this is all bullshit.”

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