Page 177 of Only You

He nodded, shifting. The bag at his feet crinkled, and it occurred to me that it was fitting that he was carrying around a garbage bag. Adam didn’t just have baggage, he had garbage to deal with. His garbage, our garbage.

He also had Milky Way in his lap. She cuddled up close to him like he was her new favorite person.

“So, let’s talk about Sammy…” I said, leading him to a topic I’d wondered about since Leslie had brought him up.

Adam’s jaw worked. “How do you know about that?”

“Leslie. I went to her place. Apologized.”

He rubbed his face with both hands. “How did that go?” There was a tiny note of hope in his voice. Did he hope he could be forgiven?

“Not well. She told me she hates me. She told me she never wanted to see me again.”

Adam nodded again. “Yeah,” he croaked. “She told me the same thing.”

“And Sammy?”

“He was a mistake.”

Obviously, since he had gone to Leslie. But I didn’t say that. “But you cared about him?”

“I don’t know. He looked like you, but blond with green eyes, and straight hair, and he was almost as tall as me.”

“So, he looked nothing like me.”

“He reminded me of you.”

“He was nerdy? Wore glasses?”

Adam winced. “Am I that predictable?”

“I think you might be. Yeah.”

“I didn’t love him,” he said. “Not the way I—” He stopped himself, and I was grateful.

“Was it about sex?”

“It was about wanting to replace you in my heart, because I missed you and what we had. I thought maybe, if he was someone like you…” He choked. “But that’s impossible, and I fucked myself over.”

“You didn’t choose me,” I pointed out. “You put yourself in a situation that forced the issue.”

“I chose you when I told my dad.”

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Even now he couldn’t be honest with me or even with himself. “Yeah, I guess you did.”

“And I fucked myself over a second time.” He petted Milky Way’s soft fur, his voice subdued. “I wish I’d never met you.”

“Do you?” I couldn’t say the same. For everything horrible that had happened, there’d been a lot of wonderful moments, too, and, despite all the pain we’d caused, I’d finally learned to love myself and be proud of who I was.

“I wish I didn’t want men. Why can’t I just want women?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s just how you’re made. I don’t think it’s something you can change.”

“I ruined everything.”

I wanted to reach over and take his hand, reassure him that he hadn’t, take the pain out of his voice. But the fact of the matter was he’d screwed up. We both had, but he’d taken it so much further with Leslie. “You’re going to be okay. You’ll move in with Mo, and you’ll figure out what to do about school. Maybe get a job.”

“I don’t think I can stay here in this town.”

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