Page 178 of Only You

I pressed my lips together. I didn’t want him to stay here. I couldn’t stand the idea of running into him while I was doing something mundane like getting groceries, or worse, seeing him at Tilt-a-Whirl on a night out with our friends.

“Marcus told me about a job teaching English in Japan. The JET program. Have you heard of it?”

I shook my head.

“He’s doing it next year.”

“Ah.”

“Or I could apply for the Peace Corps.”

“What about a degree?”

“I want to write books. I should live life before anything else, don’t you think?”

I didn’t know what to say. It sounded to me like Adam wanted to escape—not only Knoxville, but the consequences of his actions. But I couldn’t blame him. There would be nothing for him here but memories of what he’d fucked up.

We pulled into Daniel’s new neighborhood, and Milky Way jumped to her hind legs, paws against the passenger window, panting happily. “That’s right, we’re almost home,” I said to her.

“Home,” Adam whispered.

I heard the note of envy threaded with jealousy.

Pulling up to the house, I wondered at myself for bringing Adam here. I could have taken him to Sean’s house first. I could have waited to drop off Milky Way. But there was a part of me—a petty part—that wanted him to see what I had now.

“This is it,” I said, climbing from the Volvo. I zipped up my jacket, the winter wind cutting into me.

Adam put Milky Way down on the concrete, and she took off scampering over the driveway, sniffing everything like it’d been a month since she’d last smelled it. He stood with his hands in his pockets looking at the house. He still didn’t have a coat. Mo hadn’t included one in the garbage bag.

It hit me that I didn’t want him in our house. There could be no ghosts of him in the rooms I shared with Daniel. Not even a hint.

Leaving the box of my stuff in the back seat, I said, “I just want to put some things in the darkroom, and then leave her in the house.”

Wordlessly, Adam followed as I opened the gate to the yard, and Milky Way darted inside. He stayed silent as we walked up the path.

Unlocking the darkroom door, I threw it open and stepped inside. “Daniel gave me this for Christmas.” It was petty, a brag, but I needed him to see. I wasn’t leaving him for ‘nothing.’ I was leaving him foreverything.

“It’s nice,” he whispered, looking from the doorway, but not coming in behind me.

I left the film canisters I’d brought in a bin and exited, shutting the door. Another cold wind blew.

Adam shuddered, and I thought about offering him a scarf. I had left one in the house before Christmas.

“C’mon,” I said. “Let’s put her inside and then I’ll take you to Sean’s.”

Milky Way had done her business in the yard and bounded up to the back door. She raced inside, and I motioned for Adam to wait. “I’ll be right back. I just want to make sure she has food and water.”

He didn’t budge.

Inside the house smelled of Daniel. The scent of his laundry detergent and the new shampoo he’d taken to using recently. I checked Milky Way’s provisions and glanced around to make sure everything looked good for Daniel’s arrival in the afternoon. Being in our place calmed me down.

Home.

Strange that I had two when now Adam barely had one.

As I returned to the kitchen door, I stopped by the wall rack and pulled down the blue and green scarf I’d left behind. It was soft. Lifting it to my nose, I wondered if it smelled more of Daniel’s house or of me. I didn’t know what I hoped for.

“Here,” I said, holding the scarf out to Adam as I turned back to lock the door. “It’ll help keep you warm.”

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