Page 24 of H E R

The sleep pattern in our group is a fucking mess. I think Jule is the only one that sleeps during the night. I tend to work two, sometimes three jobs, in one day. If I sleep four hours, that’s amazing. I tried to lie down when I got home at two in the morning, but just managed to toss and turn while Jule snored. My shift won’t start until one today. My shoulders are up to my ears, and I lean back a bit in an attempt to stretch out the tight muscles.

“I want to stay, if that’s okay.” I don’t look at him.

I think I’m nervous because Ican’thave sex. Or rather, I took a celibacy oath. For months, Jasmin begged me to see a therapist about my promiscuity until I finally relented. According to her, it’d gone too far. I should’ve never told her I let a random guy at work fuck me on the ground near a pile of scrap metal at the junkyard.

I only agreed because she put her foot down and threatened to tell Helena, the only woman I’d be too embarrassed to admit how far I’d gone to feel something, anything that would hopefully fill some gaping hole inside my chest. The therapist prescribed celibacy for a year. I failed over and over until finally something in me snapped.

Three months in, and I ceded to Noah’s pleas to be his girlfriend. But we hadn’t had sex, or any other delicious treats.

“Okay. I’m sure you’re hungry, though. After we eat, we can sleep, alright?”

I nod, staring at my eggs like an idiot. Noah’s hand reaches for mine and he brings it to his lips. “Just let things flow, Justice. There’s no pressure here. Just go with your gut.”

And his words are like a mantra. He knows me so well. See? This is what I love. It’s easier to talk to someone that has an instant hot wire to your thoughts. I’m not much of a talker, and knowing that he understands even though I haven’t said a word is a relief. Suddenly, my shoulders relax and I slump down in the chair. Fuck, I didn’t even realize I’d been holding in all the tension and finally releasing it feels so good.

“Better?” he asks, his voice soft as he grazes my knuckles against his lips.

“Yea.”

“Eat up, Justice. You look like hell.”

We eat in silence. Noah reads his paper, sharing with me what therealpress has to say about my news blog and comments on what he believes has been clearly omitted. It’s nice, peaceful, and it settles me in a way I never thought, to be sharing my morning with him. He takes our empty plates and washes them.

“Ready for bed?”

I love Noah’s trailer. It’s bigger than ours and actually has rooms. Two rooms, to be exact. His mom keeps it tidy and fresh. Being in his home makes me feel like I’m fifteen again… like when my parents were around. The feeling is welcoming, and it almost seeps into my chest.Almost.

I nod, my lids heavy. And I’m suddenly thankful for the offer to get some sleep.

We’re on his bed, and I twist around and nuzzle into his chest, then unexpectedly run my lips over his skin. Noah presses his body against mine and reaches under my shirt. Thoughts of blackened irises flash before my closed lids and I spring back suddenly.

Son of a bitch.Dylan.

I shuffle away from Noah and move to stand.

“Hey, wait. Don’t leave, Justice. I’m sorry.”

I stand up and turn. I don’t understand why Dylan continues to make an appearance in my head. I don’t get it. But Noah thinks he’s done something wrong, and he moves hastily off the bed and hugs me close, forcing me to wrap my arms around his torso. He lifts my chin and kisses my cheeks.

“I love you, Justice. I want us to have a future together. I want to marry you someday and maybe kids–the whole enchilada. But you don’t want all that…yet. I get it, I always have. I’ll be as patient as you need me to be.”

I can’t tell him why I pulled back. It has nothing to do with him. He didn’t do anything wrong except the one thing we cannot avoid. He isn’t Dylan.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” He grabs my hand and then gently coaxes me under the covers.

In an instant, I’m in his arms, my back to his front. I’m suddenly filled with petulant anger. Why the fuck does the rookie get to command my body even when he isn’t around? I want to tell it who’s boss and force another man into my mind so that the rookie can disappear into nothing.

That being said, I reach for Noah’s hand and place it under my top and he caresses my belly gently. My skin tingles and goosebumps cover me. Noah has never touched me like this before, and my body tenses at the intrusion, but I force it to flex and relax. I’m going to force the cop out one way or another.

He opens his palm and pushes me closer to him. His nose is at my neck and he growls. I close my eyes and force myself to melt into his sheets. I have to do this; fuck the celibacy pact that I made for a reason I can’t recall.

I can’t keep allowing this fucking cop to command jurisdiction over me and govern my every breath. I focus on nothing and enter that empty space in my mind, the one that always waits for me whenever I’d give myself to strangers.

A soft moan escapes my lips as Noah’s hand travels up to cup my large breasts. He pinches one nipple and then opens his palm and grips. It barely fits in his hand, and he hisses into my ear. I’m slick and hot between my legs, and I push my ass into his hard dick and wiggle my hips. Not having sex for over six months has me quivering with need like a bitch in heat.

Inked skin coats my inner lids, and I grind my teeth. Time to take it up a notch. I take off my top and press my naked back to his blazing front. He gasps, clearly not expecting this, but recovers by turning me around and in one swift move, he’s on top of me.

I keep my eyes shut, afraid that if I open them, reality will stomp out this fire that I lit a match to.

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