Page 4 of Protecting What's His

“You haven’t changed much.”

His eyes were still on my legs, and I didn’t show the pleasure I felt from his comment. He really didn’t get how good he made me feel just being there and saying those things.

I couldn’t hold his gaze for long. Nicholas was too intense and the act of just looking at each other felt like it was too much. “Let me get dressed. You didn’t have to wait for me.”

Nicholas disagreed and scoffed, “I remember how mad you used to get if I didn’t get you some food. So, I don’t want to make that mistake again.”

I made my own disparaging sound. “You would always go without me, and it was really annoying.” I started to say more and then stopped. It was weird to have a light conversation with him. There were so many emotions, pent up and ready to be released. It was hard to be around him and not feel all of the nostalgia, as well as the questions that I used to have about how it all ended.

Nicholas just started to smile in a big way, and I really hated the look of it. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have the right to smile at me like that, but what was I going to do, make him stop? None of it seemed all that viable as an option. My heart was pounding in my chest and going anywhere with him seemed to come with its own problems. What was I supposed to do now?

“Why do I get the feeling that you don’t want to be here?” Nicholas asked me from across the table. He had concern in his expression.

I looked up to Nicholas and smiled to show that he was wrong. “I never said that.”

He agreed. “No, but you haven’t really said anything in almost an hour.”

What was I supposed to tell him? I was coming back a failure and I didn’t want to talk about it. I was in Paris for ten years and I didn’t get my name on one dress. I certainly didn’t want to tell him how pathetic I was. I barely liked to know myself, so what else was there to talk about? If I asked anything of him, that same question was going to be whipped back to me, and I couldn’t take it right now.

“I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I’ve only been here a week. This wasn’t where I thought I would end up again.”

Nicholas nodded his head in understanding. I hoped that he could see what I was talking about. He was back here in Bogalusa too, so maybe he knew more than I wanted to admit. Was he back against his will, kind of like me too? I never even asked him what happened, and it was literally because I didn’t want to reciprocate an answer.

“So why are you back? Ashton didn’t tell me.” Apparently, I was just going to dive in with no regards to how this was going to turn out.

Nicholas sighed and looked away. The meal was almost done, but I was still wanting something sweet. I ordered that sweetness while he came up with the words that he was looking for. “I got thrown out of the back of an airplane too many times, too many landings. I have been medically kicked out of the military basically, and I’m not even thirty yet. I am already washed up.”

It was then that I saw Nicholas’s own sadness, and I felt bad because he was trying to make me feel better when he was dealing with his own thing. Here I was afraid that he would know that I was a failure, and he had been kicked out of his dream just like me. Now, I felt even worse because I was not handling this well at all.

“I’m sorry. I know how much going into the military meant to you.” I meant it too.

Nicholas waved me off and I felt the discomfort from bringing it up. Wasn’t I feeling the same way, not wanting to hear about how I had failed? He didn’t want to tell me that he had failed too, even though it was merely his body that had given out. I’d read some of the great things that he had done through a website dedicated to American Heroes. I kept up with Nicholas all these years or at least his career. I guess I wanted to make sure that he had left me for something better and it always looked like he had. The military lost a prize if they lost Nicholas. It was his life for so long, and he was very good at being the hero that saved people.

“Well, it’s over now, so there is nothing to worry about,” Nicholas said.

I had likely said or would say something along those lines myself about Paris. I wasn’t sure what was going on with my life, but I would figure it out. The independent streak was still there, even if I’d fallen flat on my face. Paris wasn’t going to end me or anything like that. It just hadn’t worked out. I would try again, in another place, at another time. I knew that I wasn’t giving up for good, but just for a while.

I wanted to ask him what he was going to do, the same question that I was asking myself on repeat. I didn’t know how I was going to find something worthwhile to do in Bogalusa. Maybe I was just back home for a while to lick my wounds. It felt like I had a bunch of them and while it was nice to not be alone on that front, it was also sad to see that Nicholas was going through the same thing. He always took failure too hard, and I knew that was what he was doing now.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Nicholas.”

Waving me off, Nicholas told me not to pity him, and I assured him that I didn’t. “You look like you are in better shape than you have ever been. I am not going to pity you at all. Look at you.”

Nicholas sighed and agreed that he was bigger now. “But it comes with a price.”

I didn’t know what price he was talking about. I bet there were a lot of things that he had to pay to do and be what he had for the last decade. I didn’t want to think badly of any of it. He was back home, safe, and while he sounded like he wasn’t whole on the inside, the outside of him was doing well. I almost felt guilty for staring at him in want like I was, but he was really built well now. It was hard to keep my eyes off him.

“You know, you really got that dark, broody thing going now,” I told him. He just smiled and didn’t say anything. The dessert was brought, and I let him have a bite. He always wanted to taste everything before, never able to just eat what he had because he was so sure that what I had would be better. He caught the similarities of many years before and it made him grin. Damned if that look didn’t make me shake inwardly. Nicholas had always had this way about him. It was hard for me to focus when he was so determined to mess with my head.

“I went out into the world thinking that people would share food like you, Lara. I will assure you that I now know that you are alone in that. I love it, of course, that you always let me try yours, but it is rare. I used to think if a woman didn’t share with me, they were greedy. I think it really was that they weren’t like you.”

I found myself giggling without being able to stop it. “I am sorry. I have found out that people are weird about that too. I don’t get why…” My voice trailed off and I thought of other things that we used to share, like a kiss. I missed what was happening between us so long ago. It didn’t feel like it was that long ago now and when I was with Nicholas, I had an easy time forgetting the years in between.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened in Paris?” Nicholas finally asked.

I didn’t want to, so the short version was that I just couldn’t get it right. “I gave it a good shot and after a decade, I still couldn’t get it right, so I am not going to be a fashion designer for the stars. I think it was just time that I moved on, so that is what I’m trying to do. It’s not as easy as I would have expected.”

“Being normal?”

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