Page 95 of Except You

“Alright, you’re okay. You’re okay,” Beau tells me and then presses small kisses to my cheek and eyelids, making me sigh in relief. My panic attacks always pass, I’m never stuck in them for long, but they’re hell while I’m in the middle of them. It feels like I’m drowning, like I can’t catch my breath.

And I realize with so much clarity in this moment that the reason for them is my family, my parents, the pressure they’ve put on me to be something, someone, I’m not.

Fuck. No wonder I’m all messed up in the head. I can’t live up to their expectations.

I get why Magnus cut us off. I get it. He’s better for it, happier, I’m sure.

“Thank you,” I whisper, and Beau nods, kissing me softly on the lips. Just the taste of him has me relaxing even more. He smells like home.

My hands move up his back as I hug him to me, needing to just feel his body against mine. I inhale his floral fragrance and hold my breath, keeping him inside of me for as long as I can. When I let out my breath, I apologize, and Beau grasps on to my cheeks, forcing my gaze to his.

“Don’t apologize. Do you want to talk about it? What happened to make you panic?”

I let out a shaky exhale. “I…I don’t know. I think it was the kiss in public. At the time it felt right, but I’m worried it will get back to my parents.”

Beau leans back slightly, his eyes wide, his cheeks flushed.

“Oh god. I’m so sorry, Max.”

“Don’t be. I love kissing you. And there’s a chance Matt’s already told them about me.”

He shakes his head, swallowing roughly. “Fuck. I don’t know. Maybe we should… I don’t know if you’re ready for this. For me. For all this entails.”

His voice cracks at the end and my heart speeds up.

“What?” I rasp. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know if you’re ready for all of this. I think I’m stressing you out.”

“You don’t stress me out,” I retort, my heart racing again, the verge of another panic attack creeping up on me. If he leaves me, I will never recover.

His hands touch my cheeks and he sniffles. “Are you sure, though? I think this is moving too fast for you.”

“Stop it. Stop it, Bow-tie.”

“Max,” he protests, but I kiss him, wanting him to stop talking, to stop saying such terrible things. It sounds like he’s breaking up with me, and I can’t cope. I don’t want him to end this.

I might be in a bit of panic, but that doesn’t mean I want this to be over.

I want to explore this with him by my side. I want every revelation to be with him, with him to reassure me at the end of the day.

I want it to be me and him through this. I can’t imagine going through it without him.

When our lips finally part, Beau’s eyes are slightly sad, a little unsure, and yet, still a little dazed.

“Maybe we should take a few days apart to make sure this is what you really want?” he adds, and my stomach churns at the idea.

“No,” I blurt. “No. I don’t want time apart. I want to spend all my days with you.”

He doesn’t look convinced, and I feel my throat start to close. He’s become such an important part of my life that I can’t imagine starting or ending the day without him. Swallowing roughly, I force my next words out.

“I’m serious, Beau. I don’t want time apart. I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms. This is new to me, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. With you, everything feels right.”

Beau sniffles and glances away, wiping at his eyes. “Okay, but if you want to end this, it should be soon, Max. Before I fall any further.”

I nod and kiss him again, trying to convey with my tongue how much I need him. Fuck, I just don’t have the words right now. I don’t know what to say to convince him that he is what I need.

When we pull apart once more, he looks very tired, which is better than unsure, so I tilt my chin toward the door.

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