Page 20 of Broken Hearts

“What?” I croaked out. It didn’t even sound like my voice anymore. I sounded like someone had kicked me in the balls and I wasn’t able to speak. I just croaked and I waited for my answer, knowing there was nothing that he could say to make me want it.

“I don’t know if it is because she wants to or what. She is not happy; they fight all the time. I don’t know what the hell happened between the two of you, Hal, but you surely can’t want this. How do you go from getting me involved to watch her to not caring at all?”

“You sound like you care,” I commented. Was I jealous? He got to see Marilyn. Maybe I was jealous, and how embarrassing was that? I had a chance with her at some point, but I’d screwed it all up, twice. She deserved better.

“I care because you are supposed to be there with her. I thought you were protecting her and you’re not. I don’t know what happened, I heard you got into a wreck, but I don’t get how that turns into you acting like this. You don’t seem to care, and I don’t get it.”

I was a bit amazed he was so passionate all of a sudden. I was jealous and I knew I had a reason to be. Marilyn made people love and care for her. It wasn’t like it was something that could be avoided. I had felt it before, so I knew what it was all about. I tried my best to focus on something else, but then he said something that finally had the attention that I needed to give him. It was also the final straw to breaking me. I couldn’t even imagine what he was saying. My heart was racing, and I swear my ears were lying to me.

“Don’t you care that she is pregnant, and she is going to be with him? You had me check into him, the things he has done. I think we both know that he was the one that burned Marilyn’s house down, likely the one that drove her off the side of the road in that wreck you got jacked up in. It was all this guy, so what are you doing sitting back and letting it happen? This isn’t you, Hal.”

Dale wouldn’t understand. I wanted to tell him in a way that would make him get it, but he wasn’t broken. He didn’t understand that it was better this way, that being with me and my luck would cause so much more drama for her. The baby was something new to digest, but it’s not like it was mine. Right? Why hadn’t I thought of that before?

“I am letting her live her life. That’s what I’m doing.” I finally said it with little to no conviction. I was frustrated, I could hear it in my voice, but there was nothing to be done. I had embarrassed myself to the point that I didn’t know if I would be able to look her in the eyes or not. I wished that I hadn’t freaked out, that she hadn’t seen it and found out about me. No one needed to know the truth.

The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that all I needed to do was get Dale to take care of it. He said that he wasn’t going to, that I needed to. I didn’t know what was up with Dale, but he was making everything more complicated than it should have been. What was I supposed to do? If he knew what had happened, he would feel the same way that I did. I couldn’t get back from that. Marilyn was afraid of me, so much so that she had run back to her ex. It was painful to think about and even more to know that it was all my fault.

“You were always the bravest person I knew. I would have given anything to be you, Hal. How you came back stronger than ever…”

“I wasn’t stronger, Dale; I am broken to shit, and everyone knows it.”

Dale shrugged. “It didn’t kill you, did it? That was better than many of the other guys that were taken that never came back one day. You made it, but sometimes I think your mind stayed there down in that tunnel. You were released, but your soul is still there.”

It was just a bunch of nonsense that I didn’t want to hear about. I knew that I was still down there. Every time I closed my eyes, I usually woke up with the same feelings, and I knew that it was never going to end. That’s why I knew I was broken. It was hard not to be something else. I wanted to get over it, but it didn’t look like it was going to happen. There was no going back. Ever. Not even for Marilyn.

I got off the phone with Dale and he made sure to make me feel like shit. I knew that he was doing the best he could to make me feel that way and begrudgingly, I knew that he was right. I had left her to her own devices, and I shouldn’t have. She had been in need of help, and I hadn’t delivered. I promised her that I would keep her safe, and then I did not keep her safe from even me. I felt bad. It was all my fault, and I could only think of Marilyn marrying him, carrying his children. It was enough to make me sick to my stomach. I was sure that I would never get the feeling out of my head. It was always going to feel this way, like I was seconds from dry heaving.

Feeling sorry for myself was what got me here to begin with. I needed to get ahold of Marilyn. The problem was that she wouldn’t want to talk to me. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either, after everything that happened between us. I had to be an idiot to think that she would ever want to hear from me again.

I couldn’t help hearing Dale’s words in my head on repeat, that I should be there for her. He was right, I had to at least try to keep her safe. I could do no less than talk to her, make sure all was well with her new life decisions. I had to make sure that the decision to marry Jesse was Marilyn’s and no one else’s. If that was the case, then I would have to step back.

Looking at the phone, I sighed deeply. This wasn’t something I looked forward to. It was one of the hardest things to do, picking up the phone and dialing her number. I put the phone to my ear and waited. The voice that answered wasn’t the one that I wanted to hear, but I knew he was the one that I needed to talk to. Marilyn didn’t need to know my involvement, but Jesse did. He was the one that was on the edge of danger and didn’t even know it.

“Glad you answered. I thought I wanted to talk to Marilyn, but I guess it’s you that I need to talk to Jesse.”

“Who is this?”

“A friend of Marilyn’s.”

There was a long pause and then my name was said in a low growl. It sounded like an accusation. I was glad that he knew who I was. I wanted him to know me, because I wanted to be important in the grand scheme of things when it came to Marilyn. I had to get Jesse to understand that I was still protecting Marilyn, even if she chose him. If he ever did anything to hurt her, I would come for him for the rest of his life. I needed him to believe it and by the time I got off the phone with him, Jesse was convinced. I was sure of it.

17

Marilyn

“Itold you that I was right.” Jesse came into the living room with a smile on his face. He was happy that he’d been right about Hal I came to find out. He knew that it would only take some time for him to call and try to get me back. It was the proof that he needed to keep me here. I tried to tell him before that I didn’t really fear Hal, I just felt funny around him. Too much had happened. Jesse took it the bad way though. He made me think that he was my savior or something, but it wasn’t like that at all. He wasn’t my savior. He was the one that was pushing me to do all these things that I really didn’t want to do.

When I found out I was pregnant, I think that was the moment where I wondered what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to tell Jesse at first because we still hadn’t been together. We were dating again, at least that was what he wanted to call it, but at the end of the day, we hadn’t been together intimately. When he found out that I was pregnant, and saw the test, it put him into a blind rage. I told him that it was a mistake, and, in some ways, it was, but that should have been enough to make me see the truth.

Jesse was familiar and he had never hurt me, at least not that I knew of. He was stalking me a bit, missed me, but Hal had nearly screamed my head off. I didn’t know which man I was afraid of more. Hal, I knew wouldn’t hurt me if he had his wits about him, but what if something happened again and he didn’t? That was what I worried about. Jesse was dangerous when he was awake. It was different, but with Jesse I knew not to let my guard down. Hal had gotten past all of my resources that were supposed to keep him at arm’s length. I hadn’t been able to and now I was pregnant with his baby.

“Well, whether he is calling you or not doesn’t matter. I am done with Hal. He will leave me alone after I ignore him for a while. I have done this before with him. I was never enough to fight for.” How desperately I’d always wanted to be enough to fight for. I hoped none of that past longing was hinted in my voice, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Jesse asked me if I still loved him. I had never admitted that I did, but it did seem silly to pretend like I wasn’t head over heels in love with him. It just became harder for me to focus, and when Jesse asked me how I felt about Hal trying to get ahold of me, I just shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. He will go away.” I wanted to add that he wasn’t like Jesse. He wouldn’t stalk me and hound me until I got back with him. Hal would just leave me alone. He’d done it once before and I knew that he would be able to do it again. He had left me alone for months after he told me to leave. Hal was just like he’d always been and for some reason, I was the idiot that thought it was something more. I should have known better.

“We are getting married,” I began. Jesse didn’t want to hear that as an answer. He wanted to know if I still loved him and when I said I did, it was hard to look him in the eye. Why was it so hard to say that? I was supposedly getting married to Jesse, but even saying it out loud felt strange. Wasn’t that some sort of sign? If it was one, it certainly didn’t seem like a good one. I asked him again why he was asking about all of it all of a sudden, and he said that it was Hal’s message and talking to him that made him feel like something was off between us.

“Well, what did he say?” I tried to act like I didn’t care one way or another but, of course, I did. I wanted him to see that I didn’t care what was going on, but it was all a waste of time. Jesse could see right through my façade. He saw it all as just a game, and I felt like prey by the end of it. His smile was far too large for comfort.

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