Page 101 of You & Me: Part One

Gotta love four year olds keepin’ it real. How is it that Ireland knows exactly what’s going on and Emily doesn’t? I mean, what the fuck?

“Oh my God! Jonathan! No, I didn’t mean that how it sounded at all!”

I’m still pissed, but I can feel the ticking in my jaw ease as she looks over her shoulder to explain what she meant to Ireland.

“Baby girl, I just meant that Jonathan won’t always be on vacation and be able to just come and get you whenever he wants. He has a job and usually sleeps during the day. He just happens to have time off this week to spend with us. It doesn’t mean that Jonathan isn’t going to stay our friend for a long time or that you won’t see him. This week is just special. Do you understand?”

“Yes, mommy,” Ireland replies but sounds a bit sad at the realization that this isn’t her new norm.

I know that she asked Ireland if she was the one that understood her explanation, but I can feel her stare at me as I look straight ahead out the windshield of the truck. I know that she’s really asking me the question. Do I understand? I do, but I also caught the fact that she called me their friend. I don’t know what I expect her to call me, especially to a four-year-old, but it stung a little. She knows I want more, so yeah, it stings. I get it though. I really do. We’re just getting to know each other again and we haven’t defined anything at all . . . yet . . . so I guess friends is what we are at the moment.

“Jonathan?”

Yep, just like I thought, she was really asking me for confirmation that I understood what she meant. And if I pull my head out of my ass I would realize that I do get it. I’ve just spent the last five years pissed at her. It’s really easy to fall back into that feeling and stay there if I’m not careful. I realize in this moment that the constant feeling of anger has dissipated a little bit every day that I’ve had Emily back in my life. Who am I kidding? I can’t stay pissed at her. She’s my Gracie.

“I get it, Em. Thanks for the explanation. I needed that after today. It’s not even noon yet and it’s been a pretty emotional day. I overreacted. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry for your reaction. I’m sorry for not thinking about the way it sounded when I said it. You’ve made it more than clear that you don’t want to walk away. I didn’t mean for what I said to sound like it did.”

She reaches across the cab of the truck and takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. She doesn’t let go until we pull into Mick’s driveway. As always, her touch is what I need. By the time we walk through the front door I feel like I’m back to myself again.

The girls set upon their after school routine while I walk the dogs. Frannie and Frank seem to have found a groove already and there might even be a little bit of puppy love going on here. Frank better keep his paws off my girl though. No dog of Mick’s will be getting his groove on with my sweet little Frannie.

Once lunch is out of the way and Ireland is settled, Emily finds me in the kitchen filling a glass with ice from the fridge and then pouring diet coke over it. It’s an addiction and I know it’s not good for me, but after the lack of sleep last night I need all the caffeine help I can get.

“Want some?”

She shakes her head and I see a tear fall down her face. It’s then that I realize that she’s been holding herself together for Ireland, and that she needs this moment to break down for a beat.

I put my glass down and walk towards her. “Come here, Gracie.”

I pull her into me and I wrap my arms around her. Her arms come around my waist and I can feel her balling my shirt up in her hands as she holds on for dear life. I can’t believe on a day like today I was so sensitive to what she said in the truck. I am such a dick.

She isn’t sobbing out loud, but the tears don’t stop, and I can feel my shirt dampening with each tear that falls. It’s seems as though she has perfected how to cry in silence over the years, trying to hide her pain and worry from her precious little girl because she’s a great mom and that’s what moms do. I don’t say a word and I don’t let go. I need to let her take whatever time she needs, and we’ll talk once she’s ready.

After several minutes of holding her and letting her get it all out she steps back, but stays in my arms. “Thank you, I needed that. I’m good now in fact . . . I think I’m better than your shirt. Sorry,” she says as she tries to wipe the dampness off with her hands just to give herself something to do.

“No need to be sorry. It’s been a crazy day and you’re allowed to get some of that crazy out. You ready talk about it?”

She takes my drink off the counter where I left it, takes a sip, nods her answer, hands me my drink and heads to the family room where she flops down on the couch. She sits with her back against the arm of the chair, and I tap her legs as a signal for her to lift her legs. I sit next to her and she puts her legs over my lap.

“So, I heard back from Blackburn. He said that there aren’t any cameras in your hallway, but they checked all the camera angles in the main hall that leads to your room and there weren’t any adults that didn’t belong. It was just the appropriate students and maybe their friends. He didn’t see anything odd, but I’m still gonna take a look myself tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” I ask to make sure she’s good to go on.

“Yep, so where did you go after you left the school?”

“Well . . . I um . . . shit. Listen, I know it wasn’t policy and I shouldn’t have gone, but I went to Jesse Miller’s apartment to talk to him.”

“You what?” She says as her bloodshot eyes open wide.

“Let me explain. I know it sounds bad, and I swear I didn’t even tell him about what was going on with you. I just wanted to go to his place to see what family might be with him. I don’t know why, but I had this need to go there myself. I identified myself as an officer, told him I was a friend of yours and was checking on him for you. I don’t know what I thought would come of my visit, but I needed to do it for me since he’s the only link we can come up with in this whole mess.”

“Okay and what did you find out? How is he?”

“Poor kid is all on his own and trying to get a job so he can support himself and his younger brother. As soon as he turned eighteen last week, his grandma left them on their own. He has an aunt and some cousins that don’t have room for him, so he’s on his own with his brother for now. I left him my card and let him know that if he needed anything he could call.”

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