Page 33 of Useless Love

As Arianna braids my hair, I watch her tense expression, wondering what she’s thinking. Why didn’t I tell her what Carmine did to my breasts? Just thinking about his lips covering my breasts and his mouth sucking on me makes my new panties wet again. Would he really sleep with my nipple in his mouth and suckle them three times a day?

Oh god, will he do that to Arianna’s breast too? I can’t stomach the thought.

Thankfully, later that day Carmine texts me to say he has sudden business tonight and can’t have dinner. He’s going out of town for one or two weeks. I hate to admit it, but deep down, I’m disappointed about the cancellation. It forces me to realize my feelings for Arianna’s fiancé are complicated. This is getting out of control. I need to shake Carmine from my head. I need to get this wedding over with.

To make my anxiety worse, Carla also messages me: Hey. Want to hang out?I don’t want to risk upsetting her when Carmine hasn’t set a date, so I respond: Definitely.

After Thursday's class, let’s grab a drink and talk.

Sounds great.

Not only am I lying to Carmine,depending on what Carla asks on Thursday, I will be lying to her too. I decide to go to bed early. Only in my dreams am I not a lying sack of crap.

***

Carmine’s trip out of town actually came at the perfect time. Since he’s busy, he hasn’t been messaging me and my life feels normal again; it also feels dull. Luckily, I’m taking six classes this semester, and the coursework keeps me extremely busy.

I’m in the library trying to study, when someone moves the chair next to me and sits down. I glance over to see Arianna.

“What do you want?” I ask. “You must be here for me since you’re basically a dropout at this point.”

She flips through a few of my psychology books that are spread out on the table. “Just wanted to talk with you away from the penthouse. It’s here or the church, and they hate me at that place.”

I glance around. This isn’t the best place to talk because Arianna is loud and others are trying to study. “Fine,” I say, gathering my stuff and motioning for her to follow me outside. Once we’re in the warm sunshine, I say, “If this is about Carmine, he’s out of town. You will be the first person I tell when he sets the date.”

My sister flicks her dark hair. “Fuck Jr. Gaudino for a minute. This is about Victoria.”

My heart drops because she says it so seriously. I stop walking, prepared for bad news. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. But the brat wants us, well actually you, to convince Father not to arrange a marriage for her. Apparently, he is starting to look into it for when she turns twenty-one.”

I clutch my chest, recovering. “Ari. Dammit. I thought she was dead, the way you were talking.”

“Dead? As if I’d be walking around so casual on campus if my baby sister were dead. I’d be out torturing the fucker who hurt her.”

“True. I wasn’t thinking.” Frowning, I recall that Victoria did mention needing to talk with me yesterday, but I was running to the library. When I got home, I locked myself away to cram for a test. This morning, she called me while I was in a lecture. I had planned to call her back but time got away from me.

Now, I feel guilty about ignoring her. Honestly, I’ve been trying to keep busy to avoid thinking of all my dead brothers. Being with Carmine has been a big distraction, but now that he’s gone, I have too much time to reflect.

I didn’t realize Victoria needed me. I should’ve paid attention.

I nod at Arianna as we walk to the car, a few guards walking a few paces behind us like always. “Where is Victoria?” I ask, not believing Father would try to arrange her marriage at a time like this. He said he wouldn’t give her to the Gaudinos, but I didn’t expect him to give her to another family so soon. Can’t he wait? “I’ll try to convince Father. Any ideas about how? Just give me the bullet points.”

“It’s simple. Just lean in on the loss our family has suffered. She wants to marry her childhood crush, Robert, so just pile on the sweetness and add lib Victoria's feelings. If he isn’t budging, cry until you feel blood rushing from your body.”

I frown as we climb into the car and one of the guards hops in to drive us home. She always tells me to cry to get my way. Contrary to what Arianna thinks, I am aware of my shortcomings. Number one is my inability to fight, physically or verbally. I can’t pray that weakness away, even though I hate being looked down on by certain people. As my childhood friend John Rossi once reminded me, “The world isn’t only made of strong people.”

“They say only the strong survive,” I teased back.

“Who are they? The rest of us have god and family watching over us.”

Maybe God will be looking over me now as I try to ngeotiate with nothing to offer.

When we arrive, Arianna practically yanks me from the car. She’s so pushy today.

“You can do this,” she says as we exit the elevator. “I’m going to get lost, so Father is in good spirits.,” She disappears down the hallway.

I stop in my room first to drop off my backpack, then I text Victoria to confirm what she wants. I’ve learned my lesson finally—don’t believe everything Arianna says. I need to confirm from Victoria about what’s going on.

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