Page 33 of Need

One minute, I was lost in that feeling I got so often when his arms were around me. In the next, he was gone. I felt like something was missing.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. It was silly. Stupid, even. I didn’t understand how or why he made me feel this way when he kissed me or held me.

He walked out of my room, and I listened as the front door opened and then closed behind him. I was alone. The vast amount of empty space that I now felt in his home was hard to believe. It just didn’t feel the same without him in it.

After a few minutes, I got my body moving and walked into the kitchen. It was already close to four and I wanted to start dinner. Actually, I needed to start dinner. I had to have something that would help get my mind off the things running through my brain. When it came to Stephan, I always felt lost and then found at the same time. It didn’t make sense.

I put the turkey breast in the oven and started working on the vegetables. Although it kept my hands busy, it couldn’t completely keep me from thinking. The things he’d said... the things he liked... they were things I liked, too. I hadn’t expected that.

When I was with Ian, I’d knelt a lot. But with him, it had always felt wrong. With Stephan, it was so different. He made me feel special. Like he cared about me. Like I was able to make him happy. I never felt that way with Ian. With him, it had always seemed like no matter what I tried to do, I was always wrong.

Once everything was cooking, I went back into my room and opened my journal. I needed to write my thoughts down. Maybe that would help me to make sense of them.

I had been writing for about twenty minutes when I heard the door open. He was home. Warmth spread through my chest as I tossed my journal aside and exited my bedroom.

He was standing in the kitchen when I walked into the main room. His back was toward me as I watched him survey what was cooking. I wanted to go to him, but I was stuck, rooted in my spot just outside my bedroom door.

He turned seconds later. A sly smile covered his lips as if somehow he’d known I’d been there the whole time. I gave him a shy smile in return.

Talk, I told myself. He said he wanted me to talk. I could do that. At least I was going to try.

“Hi,” I said, still a little unsure.

“Hello, Brianna.”

He didn’t come toward me as I’d hoped. Instead, he leaned back casually against the kitchen counter and watched me.

“Um, dinner should be ready soon,” I managed to squeak out.

He nodded, but didn’t say anything.

Had I done something wrong? He had said he wanted me to talk to him. Had he changed his mind? My eyes lowered to the floor and my hands began to tremble. Did I mess up?

“Look at me.”

He was no longer across the room, but standing directly in front of me. My eyes rose to meet his. They didn’t look angry at all. I started to calm down.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispered, the back of his right hand caressing my face.

“I thought... I thought maybe I’d done something... wrong,” I whispered.

“Why did you think you’d done something wrong?”

“You didn’t... I just...” I took a breath, and looked down shyly. “You stayed in the kitchen. And you didn’t say...” I shrugged. “I wanted...”

“What did you want?” he encouraged.

My brain was shouting at me not to be stupid. But somewhere in another part of my brain, my body was saying to answer him. “I wanted to... go to you. In the kitchen.”

He surrounded my face with both his hands, lifting my face upward. “Why didn’t you?”

His voice was gentle. It had my insides doing those funny things they sometimes did when he was near. “I was scared.”

“You didn’t think it would be what I wanted you to do.”

I nodded.

“I never want you to be afraid to come to me. I will always be there for you. For as long as you want me.” His voice was smooth, calm.

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