Page 50 of Need

The name across the caller ID was just as I knew it would be.

Stephan.

I held the phone to my chest, but didn’t answer it. No matter how much I wanted to talk to him, I couldn’t. I needed...

I didn’t know what I needed, but I knew I wanted to be composed to talk to him. Not like I was now.

I had no idea how long I sat there before I heard keys in the door. Panic started to set in before I saw that it was Lily, not Stephan. She took one look at me, walked over, and helped me up. She wrapped her arms around me, and just when I thought the tears had dried up, more came.

Finally, I calmed down, and Lily helped me into my room. She ushered me into the shower, and told me she’d be back in a few minutes. I tried to enjoy the way the water felt against my skin, but I couldn’t. The only thing I wanted was Stephan.

Lily found me sitting in the shower, the water cascading down my head and back. She turned the water off and helped me to dry off. We went back into my room and I changed into clean clothes.

She guided me back out into the main room and walked toward the couch. We sat down, and she held my hand. It was nice. But it wasn’t Stephan. It wasn’t the same.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

Did I?

She was the only friend I had, and I needed a friend. I needed someone to tell me if I was going insane or not, so I started talking. “Cal came over yesterday.” I looked up and made sure she knew who I was talking about.

She just nodded, so I went on.

“It was strange. I liked seeing him again, but it wasn’t the same as when we were little.” I added in a whisper, “I’m not the same.” She squeezed my hand tighter, but she didn’t speak. It was as if she knew I just needed to get it all out. “I was nervous the whole time he was here. Afraid he’d figure out that I’m... damaged. He tried to touch me last night and I... I... why can’t I just be good for him?”

I crumbled forward and she held me for a while, rocking me. She let me cry it out and then helped me clean myself up again with some tissues.

“Stephan tried to touch you last night?” she asked.

I nodded. How she’d managed to follow my random train of thought I had no idea, but I was grateful that I hadn’t needed to explain what I’d meant.

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”

I tried very hard to keep the tears inside. “We were on my bed. He was kissing me and touching me. I liked it. Sometimes, when he touches me, I can forget.”

She smiled at me and wiped some more tears away from my face. I hadn’t realized I’d started crying again. “So you were enjoying it, and then what happened?”

“I don’t know! I mean... one minute he was touching me and then...”

When I didn’t finish, she said, “Then what?”

“It wasn’t him.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t him?”

“It was this other man. I don’t know his name, but he was a friend... of Ian’s. He would come by sometimes. He liked me.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry.”

“How do I make it stop, Lily? I want it to stop. Everything was going so good and then I messed it up.”

She brushed the hair back from my face. It reminded me of Stephan and made me miss him even more. I wanted him here more than anything. Nothing made me feel better than when he held me.

“You didn’t mess up. It sounds like you had a flashback. I think that’s normal.”

“But I want to be good for him.”

“Have you told Stephan what happened?”

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