Page 89 of Imperfect Cadence

“It’s complicated,” I argued weakly.

“Of course it is, but let me tell you something,” he explained. “I’ve regretted every moment of the last seven years I spent without you by my side. If there is any chance at all to have you in my life again, I want to grab it with both hands. Because I love you, Colton. I’m in love with you.”

My heart thumped in my chest, those three little words I’d only ever dreamed of hearing again outside of my fantasies. But as much as I longed to jump in head first, to believe that love could conquer all, our history served as a stark reminder that feelings alone were not enough to sustain a relationship. We were living proof of that.

“That’s a nice speech Gray, but we aren’t naive kids anymore. Being friends is one thing, but a relationship? We don’t have any idea who the other grew up to be. For all I know, you could have taken up stupid hobbies like bird watching. And for all you know, I might be considering moving to Nashville to take up a country music career. You can’t just click your fingers and decide that love is enough to keep us together. We live completely separate lives that don’t mesh in any way, shape, or form. You have a teenager to look after. I work every night in a different city, and sleep til noon. These are all reasons why this wouldn’t work in the first place.

“Not to mention, up until a few moments ago, I thought you never wanted to see me again and I wasn’t sure if I did either. I can forgive you, but that doesn’t mean all the years of resentment will just vanish and I won’t try to punish you for hurting me. I don’t think that’s a solid foundation for a relationship,” I finished.

“So, you do still love me?” He sounded way too hopeful.

“Is that really all you got from what I just said?” This man was exasperating, and totally off his rocker.

“Just answer the question, Colt.” Gray’s forceful tone sent a shiver down my spine, reminding me of the power he still held over me. Despite everything, the way he made me weak at the knees was something I couldn’t deny.

And then there were all the other things—the way he made me laugh, the way he made me feel safe, the way he held me when I needed him, the way he made me feel loved…

“Okay, fine! Yes! I still love you. Happy? That doesn’t change anything though. It doesn’t erase any of our problems. It’s not as easy as flipping a switch and deciding all the years of hurt we caused each other didn’t exist simply because we now know it was a misunderstanding. Because those feelings are real and we can’t just make them go away on a whim. It’s not that easy! Not to mention, I don’t think either of us are in the right headspace to be starting a relationship.”

Gray took me by surprise, leaning forward and softly brushing his lips against mine. The fight drained from my body, leaving me utterly defenseless against the pull of his touch. I melted into him. Becoming putty in his arms, consumed by the warmth of his embrace.

As he slowly pulled away, his expression etched itself into my memory—a look of such raw intensity took my breath away. He gazed at me as if I were the very essence of his existence, the sun around which his world revolved.

“I never said it would be easy. Relationships aren’t easy. There is no magic formula of compatibility that keeps couples together. Do you want to know what Grandma Betty once told me?” he asked. The lump in my throat prevented me from doing anything other than nod.

“Her and Gramps were married for over forty years before he died. I used to think they were the perfect couple, always smiling at each other like the other hung the moon. Except, when I mentioned it to her once, how I wished I could find my soulmate like she did, she fucking laughed at me.” He chuckled to himself, lost in the memory, and I couldn’t fight my smile at the unexpected twist in his story.

“She told me the idea of soulmates is bullshit. Said Gramps used to drive her crazy with how he never listened to her, only to ask the same question the next day. Or how he always left the toilet seat up and fell asleep watching TV every night until she nagged him to come to bed. And apparently, he hated the way she snored and would roll his eyes when she insisted on him coming to church with her. They fought all the time behind closed doors, over stupid shit like that and the serious stuff, like her wanting to have more kids than my dad but not being able to.

“Her point was though, relationships aren’t easy. Love isn’t some innate feeling that holds you together. No, love is the foundation upon which you build the bricks of your relationship. It’s what allows you to get up every morning and decide to fight for what you have. Love is just what happens when you’re so close to someone you’re with them all the time. But, it’s the choice that’s important. You choose whether you want to be with someone and whether love is enough.

“And I want to choose you, Colt. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, and so, I’m making the choice to be with you,” Gray declared. “I’m not going to pretend it will be easy. You’re right, I’m not in a good place right now. I’ve got a long road ahead. But pushing you away when I needed you most certainly hasn’t helped me. And I know we would have to start all over again. We would have to make sacrifices and compromises. It won’t all be smooth sailing. There will probably be plenty of days where you’ll still hate my fucking guts. But I also know that if you didn’t still care, at least a little bit, you wouldn’t have flown across the country to see me on a moment’s notice. So I’m asking, can you choose me too?”

I wanted to. Fuck, I wanted to so badly. But the scars of the past ran deep, and the thought of opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt again filled me with dread. Could I trust him not to break my heart ever again?

Except, a nagging voice reminded me of the undeniable truth: I loved him. Perhaps it was time to take a leap of faith, to trust in the strength of our love and our ability to always find our way back to each other. I had never stopped wanting Gray, and it would be foolish to push him away out of fear of losing him a second time.

For the first time since the hospital, I really took him in. His face bore a smattering of fine lines and his temples were starting to thread with silver, premature aging that betrayed how stressful his life has been. I loved it though—it proved he had weathered storms that would have broken lesser men, and yet, here he was. Bent, battered and a little bruised, but still standing and laying his heart on line.

He deserved happiness. He deserved someone who would stand by his side and love him unconditionally. If he wanted that person to be me, who was I to deny him?

Lost in my thoughts, I couldn’t help but let my gaze wander down his torso, admiring this version of his body. Gone were the bulky muscles of his football-playing days, replaced by a softer strength that suited him perfectly. His scars only made him more perfect in my eyes. And then, my eyes caught sight of something unexpected—a black mark, a tattoo, nestled discreetly on the side of his ribs and mostly obscured by his arm.

“What’s that?” I asked, curiosity winning out as I reached out to brush my fingers along the mark.

Gray’s cheeks flushed pink, and he looked sheepish. Gray, the least shameful person I knew besides Willy, was embarrassed. Oh, this should be good.

“I’d prefer you answer me before I show it to you,” he mumbled.

“Not happening. I can’t agree to be in a relationship with a guy who has a shitty home job tattoo, like an off center smiley face or something. Or anything sports related. You’re better than that,” I deadpanned, suddenly feeling light enough to joke now that I knew my heart had made its decision.

Gray didn’t laugh like I hoped, though. His fear of rejection was written all over his face.

“Yes,” I whispered. “I choose you. I’ll always choose you Gray. You’re the love of my life.”

37. “Half-Hearted”

Grayson

---