Page 178 of Redeeming 6

My baby sister’s eyes widened more. “Then why’d you go through with it?”

“I…” I opened my mouth to respond, but words failed me. “I…” Shaking my head, I racked my brain for the words I needed to answer her but came up empty.

Concern filled her blue eyes. “Joe?”

“I don’t know, Shan.” Shoulders slumping, I sank down on the bed beside my sister and rested my elbows on my thighs. “I think I…”

“You think you what, Joe?”

“I think I was…” Blowing out a strained breath, I wrestled with my hazed memories, trying to make sense of a night that had never made sense to me. “I think I wasn’t in my own body, if that makes sense?”

“In what way?”

“I was high as a kite that night, and I mean, I can sort of remember it happening,” I admitted, cracking my knuckles together. “But I don’t remember how or why it happened.”

“I don’t understand,” she whispered, turning her body to face me. “Are you saying you…” Swallowing nervously, my baby sister reached for my hand and squeezed. “Did you not want it to happen, Joe?”

“I don’t know, Shan,” I forced myself to admit out loud for the first time. “I mean, I know that I liked the girl it happened with, and I know that I wasn’t upset about it afterward, but I just don’t remember how it happened.”

“Joe.” Her hand tightened around mine. “That kind of sounds like you didn’t consent.”

“Maybe,” I muttered, scratching my head. “But I must have enjoyed it because I went back there with her multiple times over the years. She was actually a friend type person of mine back in the day.”

“It doesn’t matter if you did it a thousand times with a thousand different girls,” Shannon croaked out. “You both need to consent every time, Joe.”

“Jesus,” I muttered, shaking my head. “How did this conversation get so deep?”

“Does Aoife know?”

“Does Aoife know what?”

“About what happened to you on your first time…”

“No, because nothing happened to me, Shannon,” I was quick to point out, shutting down the conversation before it went to a place that my mind had no intention of visiting. “I got high, I got fucked, I got over it, and then, when I got high again, I got fucked some more. Rinse and repeat. That was my mantra. So yeah, I was way too young and way too fucking reckless with my body,” I admitted, giving her a hard look.

“Don’t make my mistakes, Shan. Don’t give yourself away to the first person who shows you an ounce of affection. Just take your time. I promise the right person is worth holding out for, okay?”

“Joe, I really feel like you weren’t…”

“Don’t, okay?” Annoyed, I stood up and moved for her door. “Don’t make me a victim, Shan. It’s not the narrative of my story.”

“Do you wish Aoife was your first?” she thankfully changed the subject by asking.

“Every day,” I admitted with a shrug. “It’s fucking miserable knowing that I threw something around that means so much with the right person. It’s even worse knowing that she knows it.”

“So, she waited for you?”

“I’m not talking about Aoife, Shan,” I replied. “A lad has limits, ya know. Ask what you want about my sex life, but not my girlfriend’s, okay?”

“You really love her, don’t you?”

“It’s not just about love. It’s about respect.”

“And compatibility.”

“And friendship.”

“And loyalty.”

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