Page 42 of Moving Forward

“Oh.” I can’t seem to wrap my mind around Erin and Cain being together. Part of it is probably because I don’t want to imagine it. I don’t want to think about him looking at her the way he looks at me, or laughing with her, or talking to her, or kissing her. Okay, I guess it’s not part of the reason—it’s the whole reason. Little waves of jealousy wash over me when I think about them together.

“Go on,” he urges.

“Ellie and Ethan were always conspiring. They would randomly decide that we needed to go on a spur-of-the-moment trip or date night or something crazy. During this trip, they wanted to go swimming even though the water was freezing. Ethan drove all night long, singing along to all these wild classic rock songs. At one point he was even yodeling to them. He did weird stuff like that, you know—he was just . . . he was wild. He went out with Danny one time and got arrested because the cop thought he was on drugs. He just had that personality.”

“Who bailed him out?”

My cheeks redden. “I didn’t. I refused.”

“And why was that?”

“We’d gotten into this huge fight. It was a few months into our relationship.”

His hand stills in my hair. “What about?”

We only had one really dark time in our relationship. “He cheated on me.”

I can hear his teeth grind. “He cheated on you,” he repeats.

“Didn’t you cheat on Erin?” I counter, not trying to rub in it is face, but just make him aware I’ll always stick up for Ethan no matter what. Besides, I get the impression that Ethan’s misstep in our relationship was a walk in the park compared to what Cain did to Erin. I don’t think Cain has a lot of room to judge.

He groans and continues playing with my hair. “You know about that?” he asks, shock and shame tinging his tone.

“Ethan told me,” I admit. “He wasn’t a fan of yours.”

“Wasn’t a fan? He fucking hated me, Max,” he says shortly. “And I hated me too. Erin didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated her. She’s a good person and I just . . . I made her life hell for the last part of our relationship.”

I crane my neck to look up at him. His actions still haunt him—it’s written all over his face. When he says that he hated himself, I believe him. As much as I wish I could take that away from him, I know I can’t. Who he is now is who he is. He’s the only one who can put in the work to help himself.

“You’re not the same person you were then,” I point out.

He works his jaw and closes his eyes. “What if I am though? I haven’t been around people much, so maybe that part of me is just dormant. Maybe I’ll just hurt you now.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

“You really believe that?”

“Somebody has to. I’ve lost someone I love and that’s the worst kind of hurt. I’ve spent all this time trying to come to terms with the fact that he’s gone . . . forever. I didn’t think I’d ever come back from that, but here I am.”

“I wish it were that easy,” he says faintly.

He doesn’t elaborate and I don’t push. Instead, I scoot even closer so I can make eye contact. “Here you are too.”

“I guess so.” His fingers graze my chin. “Here I am.” The edges of his lips pull up and he says, “Your grandfather doesn’t seem to like me very much.”

I raise my eyebrows. “I was going to ask you about that. What happened?”

He shrugs and looks out the window. “I don’t think I’m who he had in mind for you.”

I wince. “What did he say to you?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Did you bring up Ethan?”

“He told me he’s seen enough death to know when it follows people, and that I can’t give you what you need right now.”

My heart stills in my chest. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

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