Page 47 of Moving Forward

Someone clears their throat. Cain and I both jump, but we don’t break our position. I rise up onto my tiptoes, peeking over his shoulder at Danny and Ellie, who’re holding plastic bags full of food. Ellie tilts her head, jaw dropped. “Status change?” she asks.

I instantly feel guilty for not mentioning anything after she made me promise to tell her if Cain and I became more than just friends. It’s not like I could have really told her without explaining what happened yesterday. That would’ve opened up a whole new can of worms. Besides, it’s only been a day and I’m not even sure what our “status” is.

Danny’s face is bloody red. Even if he may be in cahoots with Ruth, I highly doubt this is what he was expecting. Typical Danny, all he does is reach around Ellie to grab her bags, keeping cool in an awkward situation. He hands a few of the bags to Cain, offering him a nod. I’m pretty sure that’s man-speak for I’m okay with this. As Danny passes me, I squeeze his arm in a silent thank you.

Ellie follows behind him, watching as they retreat into the wheelhouse. “I’m being supportive,” she reminds herself. Then to me, she says, “If you tell me what’s going on now, I won’t hold it against you.”

“I wish I knew.” I really do.

“Please tell me you aren’t just letting him kiss you like that without a title on this relationship.”

“We’re just . . . I guess we’re seeing where this goes. It’s nice, okay . . . it makes me feel . . .”

“Nice?” she interjects. “That was anything but nice! That was so hot I was surprised you weren’t naked and on the floor.”

I’m too shocked to answer.

“I’m your best friend, so don’t lie to me when I can see that what you feel about him isn’t nice. It’s way more than that.” She wraps her arms around me. “I’m going to give him a chance because I love you, and clearly he means something to you. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like the idea of it, but I can’t remember the last time you seemed so happy and free. If he’s what you need, I’ll get over it.

“Thank you, El,” I say, smiling. This is my best friend right here. The one who interrupted my second date with Ethan to let me know he’d never taken a girl out twice and that meant I was destined to be her best friend. The one who didn’t talk to her brother for a month because he cheated on me. I’ve missed this.

She leaves one arm around me and whispers, “Besides, if I witness another moment like that, I might fall in love with him.”

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“He’s so freaking still. God, he’s like a statue—is he even breathing?” Ellie hisses as I reach into the cooler and pull out a beer and some water. I shoot her a halfhearted warning look. I can’t get too mad; she invited him here after all. She holds up her hands and wiggles her fingers. “Steady, girl. I’m just saying that your boy is stiff. We need to change that.”

“Give him some time. He’s not used to this.”

She snorts. “You should have known him in high school.”

I glance over at Cain. He’s leaning against the railing, but his shoulders are rigid and his hands are clenched. His eyes are fixed on me, shadowing my every movement. When our gazes meet, his eyes darken, his body tensing even more.

“What was he like back then?”

Ellie tangles her hand in her hair, sighing. “He used to play baseball. Everyone loved him. Led us to state the years he played. I remember Danny wanted to be him, and so did Ethan for a while. He was always a little bit . . . well, he never seemed happy, so it’s strange to see him like this with you. When he first started dating Erin, I really liked him for her. Yeah, he was a bit distant, but he was nice enough. He used to pin these little notes to her locker: I love you, and You look beautiful today.”

He loved Erin. That shouldn’t bother me, not when I had Ethan, but it does. There’s a small, territorial piece of me that wants Cain all to myself.

“But then he just . . . he went downhill. He started drinking more and getting into fights. He’d go through phases where he’d just disappear, and no one would see him for days. Erin tried to fight through it because, despite everything, he wasn’t horrible. He was still good to her—other than cheating on her. She stayed because she cared about him and wanted to help him. It was obvious their relationship had fizzled out. Then he seemed to be better for a while. When I would see him at Ruth’s, he was in a good mood. Then . . . it got bad again. Really bad.”

“Do you know what happened?” I finally break away from Cain’s heavy stare and turn toward Ellie.

She shakes her head. “And if Erin knows, she won’t tell. Has he talked about why he beat up Ethan?”

“He told me some things, but not why he did it. Ellie, I know you think he’s wrong for me and I get that. I really do. And maybe I’m in the same boat as Erin—that I think that I can help him—but the difference between Erin and me is I think he really needs me. He’s not who he was all those years ago, and I think he needs someone to push him. To make him want to be better.”

“I think you need him too,” she admits softly, like the words are almost too crazy to say aloud. She turns to me, offering a sad smile. “I know I haven’t been there for you these last few years. I’m mourning differently. I’ve been trying to make you mourn the way I have and that isn’t right. I get it if Cain helps you move on.”

“You’ve been moving on the only way you know how. You’re the type of person who jumps into things headfirst and never slows down. We’ve always balanced each other out. That’s what you’ve been trying to do for me since Ethan died. Even if I haven’t been wanting you to push me, I’m glad you did because it’s what I needed. If you didn’t, I don’t think I’d be here.”

“No, I don’t think you would,” she says simply. I’m not sure she realizes I don’t just mean here as in Orchard Valley. I know all too well what Cain meant when he said living is too hard. Had Ellie, Danny, and my family not been there for me, I would’ve hidden beneath the covers on my bed and let the darkness creep into my heart. I wouldn’t have killed myself or let myself die . . . but I would have just disappeared. The world would have forgotten I existed. I would have forgotten myself.

“I’m going to take him a beer,” I say.

“Maybe that’ll loosen the boy up,” she says, doing a little dance. “I’ll go keep Danny occupied.”

“Remember he’s operating a motor vehicle,” I remind her.

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