Page 83 of Moving Forward

Erin kisses his shoulder. “That wouldn’t have changed anything.” She focuses back on me and continues, “At first he was just thrashing around . . . then he started sobbing and he seemed so . . . destroyed. I tried to calm him down . . . and I guess I startled him. He started yelling at me—it was so profane and loud and . . . his eyes were so dead. He’d never spoken to me like that before. Whatever was going on in his mind, it probably didn’t even dawn on him who I was or what he was doing. He went back to trashing his house after that. He was hurting himself too . . . punching things and walking around on broken beer bottles. I couldn’t get him to calm down no matter how hard I tried . . . so I called Ethan. I shouldn’t have. Ethan came and saw Cain and got the wrong idea. Ethan thought Cain was acting that way toward me and he went on the defensive. He tackled Cain, punched him, and that lit a fuse in Cain. Cain hit him back and wouldn’t stop. By some miracle, Cain heard me screaming his name.”

Cain wanted Ethan to kill him. I know what was in his head, what he was hoping for—that death seemed like the best option. He wanted a way to escape, no matter what it took.

My heart breaks even more than it did the day he told me about wanting Ethan to kill him. After hearing Erin’s side, I can visualize what happened and who he was back then. I wish I could go back in time and convince him that he has so much love to offer.

“Ruth came to see me one of the nights I was visiting Ethan in the hospital. She said she just wanted to check on us and to apologize for Cain . . . but she said it was time I stayed away from him. She explained that she didn’t want to see another person leave him behind, but that I didn’t have a choice—I wasn’t equipped to handle him and he wasn’t equipped to handle me either. ‘Sometimes when we’re trying to give the most help, we’re doing the most harm,’ were her words.”

Erin starts wiping her eyes, sniffling. Conner looks at his wife like seeing her cry is tearing him apart. He wipes her tears away with his thumb and presses a kiss against her forehead. When he pulls back, he takes up the conversation for her, which surprises me.

“Cain’s a good guy at heart. And I think it’s great the two of you have one another. You’re practically tailor-made for each other. But don’t ever think that the work stops there. He needs something beyond you—he needs help.”

“I know,” I answer honestly. “And he knows it too. I think he’s going to talk to someone.”

“That’s for the best,” Erin agrees solemnly. “I can see it in the way he looks at you—he’d die before hurting you. But Cain . . . he’s willing to sacrifice himself, you know?”

Ellie leans her head on my shoulder. “Sorry again for how I treated him.”

“You’re fine,” I lie to her. I still can’t quite forgive her, which scares me because that means Cain is becoming more important to me than my best friend.

“Do you think he’ll follow you to Collette?” Erin asks me, somewhat dreamily.

“He would never leave his grandma and I wouldn’t ask him to. But eventually . . . maybe.”

“Maybe?” Ellie snorts. “More like he definitely will. That boy is in capital L love with you.”

“Have you guys said you loved each other yet?” Erin asks, sounding like she’s ready to curl up on the couch in her pajamas and gossip.

“They’ve only known each other a month,” Conner points out.

“Love isn’t a matter of time.”

“Was for us,” Conner grunts.

“No. You loved me, but I was dating your best friend. I loved you but I had . . . I had Cain to worry about. We’re off-topic. Love, Maxie?”

“No,” I whisper. “We haven’t.”

“But you do—love him, I mean?”

I don’t answer. I do. I really, really do. I can see a future with him—the kind that’s bright and happy and everything we’ve ever needed. It’s life where I’m at peace, even if it’s without Ethan. I’m ready to embrace whatever lies ahead with him.

###

Ruth has bombarded me with about a million inquiries since I arrived, ranging from easy ones like what I do in my free time to harder ones like what I want to do now that I’ve graduated. I have a feeling she wasn’t all too thrilled with my answer of “I’m not sure.” The plan was to figure that out in college, but I never really did.

Up until she broached that topic, dinner seemed to be going well. Then things sort of stalled. Now she’s just sitting with her hands primly in her lap, eyes glued to me, following my every movement. It has me on edge. I sip from my glass of water, my shaking hands causing the ice cubes to rattle. Cain’s hand falls on my upper thigh and squeezes it.

“Grams,” Cain says evenly, his voice authoritative even in the presence of his strong-willed grandmother, “you’re making her nervous.”

Ruth brings a napkin up to dab at her mouth. “I was lost in my thoughts, dear. No need to be scared off.”

“I’m not,” I try to say calmly, even though I kind of want to duck under the table and never come out.

She tilts her head.

“Grams . . .” Cain sighs.

She waves him off, napkin still in hand. “Fine. Fine. You’re right.” She pushes away from the table. “Stand up, Max,” she says sternly. Like a robot, I do exactly as she says. Behind me, Cain swears under his breath, which earns him raised eyebrows. Then she throws out her arms and wraps me up in a tight hug.

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