Page 40 of Late Nights

I did know, all too well, how he was known for going from woman to woman. West would have a hard time accepting that Cannon would be able to do anything different.

As I tried to figure out what to say, the dots appeared on the screen, signaling he was typing again. They kept disappearing and reappearing, and I wondered what he was struggling to put into words. I waited to see if he’d ever push send.

Eventually his text came through.

Cannon: And not with how I’m too broken to take the game seriously, to give it my all.

Although we were using Mario Kart as a code word, this might be the most real conversation we’d ever had.

Is that how he saw himself? Broken?

Knowing he was a few steps away from me across the hall, I struggled to talk myself into staying in my bed and not going to him. I hated the thought of him viewing himself as broken. What had happened to him? I obviously didn’t know, but to me there was nothing broken about him. I’d always viewed him as this smart, confident, fun-loving guy who maybe seemed lost at times but never broken.

Before I could respond, another text message came through.

Cannon: In all seriousness, I’m sorry about what happened while we were cleaning the kitchen tonight. I took it too far, and I apologize.

His sudden change, from suggesting he wished there was more between us than friendship to now insinuating our almost kiss had been a mistake, spun me for a loop.

The only way I felt I could save face was to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal.

Me: Don’t worry about it. I know you are a notorious flirt, the ever-charming ladies’ man.

There. That hopefully sounded unaffected.

Cannon: You think I’m charming?

Of course he would pick that word to focus on. I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn’t see me.

Me: Unfortunately, yes.

I wondered if I should be so honest, but it wasn’t like I was the first person to tell him that.

Cannon: What else do you think I am?

I debated how to answer his question. Did I keep things light and flirty, our main go-to? Or did I take our conversation back to real things, back to a place where I so desperately wanted him to feel safe with me?

Me: I think you are a lot of things, but one thing I think you are not is broken.

I pushed send and held my breath, waiting for his reply. It came sooner than I’d thought it would, and I hoped he wouldn’t shut me out.

Cannon: But I am, Demi. Sometimes I feel so broken that it seems like there is no hope to put me back together. And then, if by some miracle I could be made whole again, who would ever want someone covered in cracks?

I blinked back tears as I reread his words.

Oh, Cannon.

I looked to my door, wondering if I should just go to him, but I feared if I did, he’d shut down. There was a freedom brought by texting in the dark, and it might be the only reason he was letting himself be vulnerable with me.

His feelings of brokenness reminded me of something I’d come across in my travels during my gap years.

Me: Have you ever heard of kintsugi?

Cannon: No. Is that a real word?

I chuckled.

Me: Yes. Kintsugi is a Japanese art that puts broken pottery pieces back together using gold. You can see all the gold lines where the broken pieces were melded together, making it whole again but more beautiful for having been broken.

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