Page 34 of Late Nights

“Hey, you okay?” she asked for the second time in only a few minutes.

I wasn’t sure what she saw when she looked at me, but she stepped closer to stand in front of me, lightly placing her hands on my chest, her eyes roaming my face in concern. I took a few more gulps of air, trying to calm my racing heart. The fear of West finding me under the bed had overridden my fear of being stuck and the memories that had come with it, but it had taken longer than I’d realized it would to get out, and my claustrophobia, induced in childhood, had come out in full force.

I focused on her hands where they touched me instead of my irrational fear and haunted memories. Placing my hand over hers to ground myself, I took one more breath.

“Sorry,” I said, finally coming back to myself and stepping back from her. “I got a little claustrophobic down there.”

Her hands dropped to her side. “But you’re okay now?”

“Yes.” I pushed out a smile, not wanting her to worry. “I’m great.” Embarrassment flooded my system. I’d totally freaked out in front of her. “I’d better get out of here just in case your brother comes back.”

I walked past her, wanting to get away, but before I was out of reach, she stopped me with a hand on my arm. “Wait,” she said. I paused and turned to face her. “Remember, we’re friends now. If you need to talk about anything. I’m here. And you never have to be embarrassed or ashamed of anything. Real friends help each other, they don’t judge. Their friendship is unconditional.”

I stared at her, not wanting her words to seep in and burrow into my heart. She didn’t know anything about the things I’d experienced as a kid. West only knew the bare minimum. I’d skimmed over the details, only giving him enough to understand why I was the way I was.

I didn’t know if I could let her in. I didn’t know if I could let anyone in. All I wanted was to forget about it, forget the first fifteen years of my life. Except no matter how hard I tried, memories clawed their way up from the depths where I’d tried to bury them.

Her hand slid down my arm as she let it go, but I caught her hand before it dropped, holding it in mine. “Thank you.” I gave her hand a soft squeeze before I let go and walked out of her room.

11

Cannon

The cold air nipped at any exposed skin. The sun had just set, and the pinks and blues stretched across the sky above the partially frozen lake were enough to calm my racing thoughts.

Thoughts of my childhood competed with thoughts of Demi for center stage in my mind, the constant back and forth making me feel dizzy. Usually they never occupied my mind at the same time, but today it felt like those two worlds had collided for the first time.

One second, I was being a good friend helping Demi with her bags, to the next second flirting with her, to then taking things too far. And if that had all not been confusing enough, I’d almost had a panic attack reliving a moment from my childhood in front of her.

I’d felt so vulnerable and…and stupid.

Letting her in enough to be friends was one thing, but letting her see the side of me that I hid from everybody, that I tried to hide even from myself? That was a different thing entirely. Playing video games together was something I could handle. Opening up to her was signing up for something that I didn’t want to do. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it.

After years of working to keep my memories locked up tight, it was disheartening to see how fast I could unravel from something as stupid as hiding from my best friend under his sister’s bed. Thankfully, Demi didn’t suspect anything more than claustrophobia.

My past was a constant weight that sat heavy on my chest, and I feared that if she found out all the things I’d gone through, she’d feel inclined to carry some of the weight too, and I couldn’t let that happen. As much as I struggled to trust people, I knew Demi was trustworthy and loyal, almost to a fault. Her loyalty and desire to help someone else achieve their dream or happiness was what had gotten her into the situation of being in a MBA program at Stanford she never wanted to do. It wouldn’t surprise me, if she knew what I’d been through, if she’d make it her personal mission to help me work through my trauma. I wouldn’t be another person in her life who took advantage of her caring heart.

She needed to fly, and my baggage would only weigh her down, too heavy for her to be able to take flight, to finally be her own person and put herself before anyone else.

After spending almost an hour outside alone on the patio while everyone else unpacked and got settled in, I made my way back into the house.

Everyone sat in the large living room, the lit fireplace giving off cozy winter mountain vibes. My eyes instinctually went to where Demi sat in one of the oversized armchairs, her fuzzy sock-covered feet tucked up against her. She’d changed into a light blue velvet pajama set for the evening and looked so adorably cute that I wished I could scoop her up and hold her in my lap, nuzzling my face into the side of her neck.

Instead I tore my gaze from her, walking to the other side of the living room to take my coat off and sit on a couch as far away from her as possible.

Jax was telling everyone about his consulting job, which took him all over the country, and how he was only home a few days a month. I’d heard about his and Kate’s nightly ritual of talking before they went to bed, which made a lot more sense if he was never around. They’d grown up together and been best friends since elementary school. If I were a betting man, I’d say that the way he looks at Kate means he wished they were more than best friends, because I definitely didn’t look at West that way.

I couldn’t get a read on Kate and how she felt about Jax, which was probably why he hadn’t made a move, but then again I didn’t know Kate that well.

“And do you see yourself continuing to work at this company for a long time?” Demi asked him.

“Uh…” He snuck a quick glance at Kate. “I don’t know. It’s a good job for now.”

I’d been in Jax’s presence for all of fifteen minutes and his feelings were all over his face. He didn’t know what he was going to do with his job because he was possibly holding out hope for something to happen with Kate but was too nervous to put their friendship at risk.

Was I that transparent in how I felt about Demi? I hoped not. I couldn’t be, or West would have said something.

Although, their situation was very different from Demi and me. The only thing standing in their way was their friendship, but that reasoning seemed faulty to me. Didn’t you want to be best friends with your partner?

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