Page 31 of Wish We Were There

“And that’s why he was being so weird at the dinner,” Taylor continued. “But they hadn’t been dating very long, and Zach’s will still named me the beneficiary, so... Ugh, it was a whole thing. But it’s fine. He didn’t even ask for anything, but I wanted to—I ended up giving him some money separately, so me and Rogelio are fine, but Dean was still... weird about it for some reason.”

Parker wracked his brain trying to think if he knew this mysterious Rogelio, but couldn’t think of anyone. Considering his own line of work, though, Parker was sure he knew a thousand people or more who he’d only ever met once and couldn’t put a name to if his life depended on it, so maybe they had indeed crossed paths at some point. “Have I met him? Rogelio?”

Taylor shook his head. “I don’t think so. I’d only met him a few times before he and Zach started seeing each other. He actually came with us for a few stops on tour before... Before everything happened. I’m glad he wasn’t there that night, to be honest. He’s a nice guy and all, but...”

He trailed off uncertainly, and Parker shook his head. “You don’t have to explain. I get it.”

He didn’t completely get it, of course, but he could empathize. It would have been an extra, complicated layer of what had already been a horrible situation.

Taylor nodded, still looking uncomfortable, and for a long while, they sat in silence. Taylor stared down at his shoes as Parker watched him, his mind racing. What was the right thing to say? Should he say anything at all?

Eventually, he couldn’t hold back the question that had been rattling around in his head the whole time, and asked,

“Why didn’t you just tell me this sooner, Taylor?”

Taylor flinched, his posture shifting miserably. His legs were crossed tightly in front of him and he rubbed his upper arm self-consciously. Parker hated that the question seemed to pain him so visibly, but it hurt him too—hadn’t he deserved to know this, at the very least before Taylor had kissed him?

“I just... I was so used to keeping it a secret,” Taylor finally rasped out, his voice trembling. “And then Zach was gone, and I didn’t want to... It sounds so stupid to say it, but it felt like if I told anyone this after he was gone, I would be tarnishing his reputation or something. Like, why would I tell people we were about to get a divorce when he’s dead, you know? What purpose does it serve? It just feels so petty and mean. It’s like—”

His voice broke, and he sucked in a shuddering breath, tears glistening on his eyelashes. Parker’s chest ached—he wanted to reach out and hug him, wanted to find the right thing to say to comfort him, but couldn’t find the words.

“It’s like I finally got everything I wanted, but in the opposite way I wanted it,” Taylor said, voice still quivering. “No more tours, no more band... And how shitty would I look moving on so fast when my husband just died? And I feel so—I feel so fucking guilty.”

He shook his head, pressing his hands to his eyes as he tried to stifle his tears—he yanked his right hand away quickly when the hard cast touched his face, and instead scrubbed both eyes with the back of his left hand. Parker could feel his eyes burning too, tears of sympathy and guilt of his own brimming in his vision. He reached across the space between them to place his hand on Taylor’s shoulder, unsure of how much more he should comfort him. Taylor leaned into the contact, though, so at least it wasn’t entirely unwelcome.

“Parker,” Taylor finally croaked—to Parker's surprise, he was half-laughing as he said it. “I’ve had a crush on you on and off for years. I was really hoping that after it was official, I could—I could properly ask you on a date or something, if you weren’t seeing anyone. And then all this shit happened, and I... I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”

Parker let out a faint, choked laugh, too, the irony of it equal parts painful and comedic. “I had a crush on you the moment I met you, Taylor. I felt so guilty, still feeling that way about you after I introduced you and Zach, but... God, I always regretted it. I wish I had asked you out before you guys ever met. And I—I still feel that way.”

He’d held the words in for so long that it almost felt like it was someone else speaking them, not him. But once the admission was out in the open, his heart skipped a beat; his chest was suddenly light, as if he hadn’t even realized the weight of what he’d been holding on to for all these years. Taylor turned his head to look over at him, eyes bright with tears. “Yeah? Really?”

Parker nodded, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “Really.”

Taylor let out a sound that was half a laugh and half a cry, rubbing his eyes. Parker looked away, shaking his head miserably. They had been two stupid ships in the night for so long. If he had just said something, anything, at any point, maybe things would be different now.

“So now what?” Taylor’s voice was small and quivering. Parker hesitated, unsure of how to respond.

What was the right thing to do? Even if Taylor and Zach had been broken up before Zach passed away, they had still been together for the better part of a decade. Taylor had still just lost his husband a few months ago, even if he had been a soon-to-be ex-husband. It still felt too soon. It would be scummy of him to pursue someone who’d just lost their partner. How could he do that to Taylor, to Zach, when they had both been his friends?

He wanted Taylor—and Taylor wanted him, too. But he had to think about what would be best for Taylor, for both of them—not what was best for his dick, or even his aching heart.

And waiting would be best. Wouldn’t it?

“I... I still think maybe we should slow down,” he finally gritted out. “I think being in a relationship right now is maybe... not a good idea yet, you know? Not when everything is still so fresh. We should both have a solid understanding of what we want.”

Taylor was motionless while Parker spoke, his eyes still downturned. He was silent, so Parker added,

“I just don’t want this to be a... a rebound, you know? I know it’s been longer for you, but I...”

He trailed off, unsure how to put into words the icy fear that gripped him at the idea of pursuing this with Taylor only for it to end badly. It felt too vulnerable to say out loud, even with everything else they’d discussed so far.

“Yeah,” Taylor finally said. “Okay.”

He stood abruptly, startling Parker. His voice had been suddenly cool, no longer wavering with emotion. Parker’s brows furrowed as Taylor took a step away, rubbing his cast absent-mindedly.

“Taylor,” Parker started, unsure of what else to say. Clearly, what he’d said hadn’t been what Taylor wanted to hear, but... “I just don’t want to get this wrong. It’s not that I—”

“I know,” Taylor interrupted, then let out a small, strangled-sounding chuckle. “I—I know, Parker. It’s fine. I, uh... Let’s just finish up the stuff for today, and we can talk about this later, I guess.”

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