Page 81 of Mud, Love, and Chemistry

Mom sets the platter down and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “She’s stuck in a time when you were young and played a lot of ‘house.’ You used to go on and on about getting married and having a baby. In fact, I seem to recall you were going to have fifty babies.” We share a laugh, and she squeezes me against her side. “She remembers that version of you, that’s all.”

I nod. Shrugging off her arm, I begin sliding plates into the sink water to soak.

Mom sighs. “Do you still want those things, Brynn?”

“I think so.” My shoulders slump as if a weight has been dropped onto them. “But why is it such a big deal that I haven’t settled down? Not everyone meets their soulmate at seventeen like you.”

“Your father and I were lucky, but for the record, we’re quite proud of your academics.” She tucks her finger under my chin and turns my head. “You’ve accomplished a great many things, boyfriend or not.”

Pride swells in me, but it quickly wilts, and I turn the faucet off. I let my fingers fall to the mountain of soap suds built up, brushing the peaks. “It’s not like I don’t want to find someone.”

“I know, honey. I think everyone worries about you after what happened with Connor.”

My insides twist at the mention of his name.

“Have you dated anyone since he left?”

“No,” I say out of the side of my mouth. It’s not a lie. Sam and I aren’t dating, we’re fucking, but I don’t need to explain that to my mother. “I’ve tried, Mom. I went on a couple dates, but they sucked.” And one very good one that led me to sleeping with my enemy. Though, that’s not what he was at the time.

“Every failed date is a step closer to the right one.”

Tears prick my eyes. I thought Connor was the “right one.” Then I thought Sam was. “What if… What if there’s no one for me?”

“Oh, Brynn.” Mom wraps me in a tight bear hug. She runs her hand down my hair, and I nuzzle into her shoulder. “I’m a firm believer in there’s someone for everyone. You just have to keep your eyes open.”

“They’re open, Mom. I’m not seeing anything.” I sniffle and lift my head.

She puts her hands on my cheeks. “Sometimes you find diamonds in the muddiest of puddles.”

My eyes flick between hers as I try to make sense of her words.

“Now, come on. Let’s finish cleaning up.” She pats my cheek. “Aunt Barbara brought her famous pies.”

I make it through dessert and card games without another issue, but that night, in my old bedroom, I lie in my twin-size bed and stare at the ceiling. The light from lamppost outside streaks across the popcorn texture.

As I gaze upward, I mull over my mother’s words from earlier. Is there really someone out there for everyone? If so, where do I find the one for me?

I don’t often let myself feel these emotions. In fact, ever since Connor left, I’ve actively avoided thinking about the future of my love life. I’ve switched gears to focus solely on my academic future. It’s more concrete. I can see exactly what’s in front of me, and I know exactly what I need to do to get what I want. There’s been no gray area.

Except now, Sam has blurred things.

For three years, I’ve had my sights set on the internship with Dr. St. James. There’s been no question in my mind that I’ll get it. That’s what I’ve been working toward and the path to get there has been clear as day. I’ve had no competition, no distractions, until now.

And what’s worse is it’s not even about the internship anymore. I’m beginning to like Sam. I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. Our intimate goodbye sex last weekend didn’t help anything, either.

I still can’t get over the look in his eyes, or the gentle way he touched me, or the tenderness of his voice. It doesn’t even feel right to say we had sex. That’s not what we did. We made love, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the best we’ve had.

What am I going to do? I certainly don’t want to stop having sex with him. That’s not even an option for me. And I can’t tell him I’m growing feelings for him. That would ruin everything. He’d probably call off the whole arrangement, and then where would I be? Alone and sexually unfulfilled, that’s where.

No. The best action to take is no action at all. I’ll go on like nothing weird happened. I’ll keep my feelings to myself, and who knows, maybe it was a fluke. A one-time thing that sparked some long-buried desire to be in love again. I know Sam’s not the one for me, but I’ll have to make sure my heart stays on board.

***

When I round the corner on my way to lab the following Tuesday, I’m surprised to find Sam already waiting at the door. My heart skips a beat as I drink him in.

Luckily, he’s distracted by his phone, so he doesn’t see me right away. With his back leaned against the wall and his chin dipped, his curls fall around his face to frame it perfectly. Even though he’s wearing a coat, his broad shoulders still fill it out. I have to swallow as my eyes fall to his hips and my mind replays the delicious ways they move.

When I get closer, he lifts his head, and his whole face lights up at the sight of me. He tucks his phone into his pocket. “Hey, Brynn.” My name slides off his tongue like satin. “How was your Thanksgiving?”

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