Page 14 of Deep Connection

“You have on my favorite one.”

“Oldie but goodie.”

His hand came out like a shot and wrapped around my wrist. I wanted to know what he was thinking when he did that. I was shaking when I was pulled in and I pressed back on his chest. I wanted to breathe for a few minutes before he took all my breath away. It was very easy for him to do, it turned out, and I didn’t want him to continue on in this way. I was so tired of fighting it.

Jason growled at me for stopping what was going to happen next. I knew that there was something sexy going down, but that was okay. I needed to breathe.

“Why are you making me hold back?”

I sighed and rubbed his chest. “Don’t you think we should talk a little bit?”

Immediately he told me no and it made me smile. He didn’t want it to have anything to do with stopping. He looked like he wanted to eat me up. I couldn’t believe how good he made me feel. I wondered how it was all going to go down. I had no idea it was going to be so intense from the gate.

“What do you want to talk about?” Jason growled in response. He didn’t want to talk, not then. I looked at his expression and knew that he was on the edge.

I couldn’t come up with an answer. What I wanted to talk about was the deep, emotional stuff that was going to kill the mood. I wanted to know what happened to him, worse than that, I wanted his story. Everyone has one and I wanted to know his so that I could understand how he ticks.

Instead of saying any of that and looking strange, I just shrugged naively and said that I didn’t know. I knew, I just didn’t want to say.

“Well, how about I kiss you and then we will see where we go? I think that talking is overrated.”

It sounded like something that a guy would say, and I sighed. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted him to see that I was lost in the moment. He leaned in to kiss me and, of course, I was right there to kiss him back. He was always so on top of where I was. I didn’t know how he oriented himself so well, but he did. He might be a bit wobbly at times, but once he was touching me or close, he seemed to know exactly where I was. That made it easy to forget for a time that he had difficulties that I could only imagine. I wanted to talk about any of that, find out about him, but once those man’s hands and lips got on my body, there was nothing to think about. It was just like I was there to take all of those good feelings in, which I did.

Jason had me in moments holding onto him like he was the only thing that was going to save me. He felt good and his arms were like home for me. I never wanted to leave the feeling of safety that I got from him.

It was then, in the midst of the best feeling, that I remembered that Jason wasn’t the same as other men. I must have pushed back too far or unexpectedly because the next thing I knew, I’d knocked us both down. Well, I knocked Jason down when he took a sidestep that wasn’t expected and since I was clinging to him and in his arms, I went with him as well. I thought it was funny, I was laughing and about to say something, before I looked to Jason and saw that he was not as amused. He was so furious that I asked him if he was hurt. I didn’t understand the mood change. I tried to help him up and he barked that he didn’t need any help. I didn’t know what was going on with him, but I tried to smooth it over. “Sorry, I’m so clumsy.”

“It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t see anything!”

He half-yelled it and I remembered well the snapping he’d done before. I was thrown off this time, in this state. How could he be so mad in this moment? There was a beautiful moment that we’d had, but now he was angry. It made me question the moment and draw myself inward.

“Look, I said I’m sorry. You don’t have to be like that. I didn’t mean to knock you over. It was just in the moment…” My voice trailed off. I was close to tears. The whiplash I was experiencing in my mind about my desires was nothing compared to the speed that my body could handle. So, I still wanted him desperately, but at the same time I didn’t want to be there and was ready to run out. It was just this tug of war internally.

I started to leave, what else was I supposed to do? He made it clear that he was mad now and I tried to see the reason why, but because I didn’t know enough about him, I had no idea of his outburst. All I knew was that I didn’t get Jason at all.

“Please don’t go.”

Jason was up and he had his hand on my arm gently. I looked down to where he was touching me, and I pulled away. I didn’t want to cry. “I can’t do this with you.”

He sighed and didn’t attempt to go after me. He likely couldn’t because he couldn’t see. I almost went back to him, but then something stopped me. Maybe us getting together wasn’t meant to be. It really felt like the world was keeping us apart, though I wished it was the other way.

12

Jason

Icouldn’t believe how I had acted, or that I had taken her down with me when I fell. It was a shame, it really was. It was worse that I had yelled at her. I was humiliated and I took it out on her, the last person that deserved it. When I heard the tone change, I think it was then that I realized how messed up it was. I should have done better and now I wondered if I would get another chance. I didn’t want to imagine that I didn’t.

Going back to her office was going to be tough. I dreaded it for more than one reason. I knew that I was going to have to apologize and honestly, I didn’t know if I could do that or not. I needed to, she hadn’t deserved my temper, but then again, how was I supposed to always be calm? That wasn’t really a part of me, so it was hard to focus.

I had to go, and I knew that it was going to be a day that I would have to be clear about my intentions and I would have to talk to her. That was what she wanted before. So, maybe I had a chance, if I could say the right thing. Words were never my friend and what she wanted to talk about, I’d talked about until I was blue in the face. I didn’t want to get into all of that, even though it was likely the reason I was so on the edge all the time now.

Before I left, there was a small part of me that just wanted to walk away. I really didn’t want to go to Abigail and tell her any of it. She deserved to know why I freaked out I guess, but I would have to admit to some vulnerabilities that I was still trying to come to terms with myself. It didn’t make it any easier to say it to someone else, especially not someone that I liked so much.

Indecision plagued me, which didn’t make any of it any better. I wanted to pretend like there was something more that I could do, but there wasn’t. I had to go, so I called Uber and made my way to the VA office. I was early as usual, because I wanted a few minutes’ time with her when it was just the two of us. It was “our” time together and I hoped that it would work out. I had faith that it would, even if I had no real right to think so. I was pushing my luck.

When I got to the office, I asked the driver if the lights were on yet and he said that they were. I thanked him, paid, and got out of the Uber, making sure that all of the folded bills were back in my wallet.

Taking my cane out, I walked up and opened the door. It was unlocked and I stopped at the information desk in the beginning. After a minute, I heard Abigail come out. “Why aren’t you in the room?”

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