Page 18 of Deep Connection

“We were out on a supply run and went down the wrong neighborhood. We were ambushed and everyone was killed. There was a mine that we went over trying to escape… That’s what did this to my eyes and face. The flash burned them out.” I stopped because for a second I could feel the heat on my face and then the blackness that had taken over everything else. I was still there in my mind, every time I closed my eyes. “So, that’s the story. I lived, no one else with me did, and I am supposed to be grateful that I am alive. I am, most of the time, tonight especially, but I get pissed off when I want more. I want to see you, Abigail, and I know that I never will. That’s a lot for me. I want to change it, make it not so, but I have no idea how to do that. I don’t think that I can, and what a bummer that is.”

She giggled and let her fingers play with my chest and stomach. “Touch me and you will see me.” She took my hands and put them on her face. I tried to take what I felt with my fingertips and make it into something I could see in my mind. I didn’t know if that happened, but I knew that it didn’t have to. I was into her, no matter what. That was what I had come to terms with. I really liked Abigail, and I knew that she was beautiful. I just wished that I knew what kind.

We laid together for a while, Abigail falling asleep on my chest. My arm fell asleep five minutes into it, but there was no way in hell that I was getting up to alleviate it. Then, I wouldn’t be able to have that feeling wash over me that was now. I tried my best to figure out what was going on, where I was going to fix this, but I still had no clue. I wanted to be fixed though, I knew that. Before, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through what it would take to be fixed, but now I could see it happening. Abigail gave me the reason that I needed to try again.

Abigail was gone when I woke up and it was an ill feeling to have. When I realized the time, I knew that she was at work. She had left a message on my phone that was making a dinging sound that caught my attention right off. It wasn’t as good as rolling over and making love to her like I wanted to, but I still got to hear her voice minutes after I woke up. That almost made me feel better about all of it.

“Jason, I had a great night. Thank you for being the sweetest and most talented guy that I’ve ever met. Maybe we can do this again sometime soon? I would really like that…” Her voice trailed off and she mumbled something about having to get to work. I knew that was what she was doing, but I was still going to miss her. I couldn’t believe that I’d only been without her for a few minutes, but I already felt like I was dying inside without her. Abigail made it all worth living and that thought got me up and out of bed. I was going to make it work, I would get better, and then I would be the man that she needed. I knew that how I was right now wasn’t enough. It was scary how clear that was. I had to make the best of it.

I went about my morning like I always did, though I did listen to her message several times. It wasn’t enough that I had these great memories with her, I wanted the tactile feel that I got when I heard her voice. I could imagine that she was close by, and I really liked that the best.

After I went to the gym and got some of the energy out, I took a shower and walked the few blocks home. I noticed that I was taking less Ubers because of what happened. I didn’t want to be afraid, but I was trying my best not to be. I felt out of sorts, another reason to contact the doctor that had promised to help me see again. I had left a message and I didn’t know how that was going to go, but I hoped that it would be enough to get me a call back. I’d checked my phone multiple times to see if I had missed a call. I hadn’t, though I don’t even know what time it was there right now. I think there was a time difference.

When I got the call I was waiting for moments later, I took that as a sign. At least that was what I wanted it to be. I had all sorts of hopes when I took that call and talked to the doctor. Why was one night enough to make me change everything? I said I would never put my life in another person’s hands, but hadn’t I already done that?

15

Abigail

Dana kept staring at me. At first, I just thought that she had something to say, so she was acting weird because of that. I finally asked her what was going on after the third patient of the day. She acted like she had no idea what I was talking about when I said something about how she was acting. We both knew that wasn’t true. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

“Are you going to tell me what is going on with you?”

I didn’t know what she was talking about, and I told her as much. She scoffed at me, “Really? No idea, huh?” The words bit out with sarcasm. I didn’t believe them, true enough, but I didn’t want her to call me out on it.

“I really don’t know what you are talking about, Dana.”

She just shook her head. “You are glowing, Abigail. I have been your friend for a long time. I know what that look on your face is, and I am trying to figure out if it is Jason or not. If it is, I am so confused.”

I shrugged and I didn’t want to get into it, even though I knew that I was going to have to. “He is a really great guy. There is nothing to be confused about.”

She just made another disparaging remark. I didn’t look at her, because I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to stop what would come out of my mouth. I tried my best to act like I wasn’t the one to hear it all, but that wasn’t true. “All I can say is it must be really good.”

“What?”

For a second my mind wasn’t thinking, but then I realized what she was talking about, and I felt my face go red. Dana, of course, saw it and had to say something about it. I was so embarrassed, but there was something about it that made me smile too. It was amazing with Jason and as much as I was embarrassed to admit it, sex with Jason was close to transcendent. It was the only way to describe. Being with him was just what I needed, and he had brought me back to the woman that I knew I was once before. I hadn’t realized that I could be that woman again.

“It is.”

She made me repeat myself and then howled like it was the funniest thing that I’d ever said. It wasn’t, but whatever made her smile. I was convinced that the two of us were going to make a scene, but another nurse came into the back and we both straightened up. I didn’t want to pretend like nothing mattered. At the moment, it didn’t. Jason had changed the way I looked at everything and I was thankful for that.

“I knew that there was something about that man. I know he is blind and all, but damn he had that BDE aura, you know?”

I nodded but didn’t like her mentioning him like that. I was very jealous. I couldn’t stop it really. I knew that she wanted him, many women did, so I was just going to have to get over it. That didn’t mean that I had to like it. I didn’t. I didn’t like it in any way, and though Dana thought it was funny, the humor was lost on me in many ways.

“So, you two are a thing now?”

I shrugged again. I didn’t know what we were, and I said as much. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to jump into something like that. I had a lot going on and before she could ask more questions, another patient was ready to be seen and I left it at that. Dana had given me a lot to think about and, of course, I didn’t want to talk about some of it. What were we? Did I even know? He had opened up and said how much he wanted me to do this and that, but what did that mean exactly? I wasn’t sure about any of it. I didn’t know where I stood and since he wasn’t sure how he felt half the time, it was a scary place to be.

She unsettled me. I wanted to call Jason and ask him where we stood. I knew that I would sound like a crazy person, but that was exactly what I wanted to do. It was sad how badly I would have liked to have known. I would have risked it all, just to really know what was going on. Instead though, I overthought it the rest of my work day and made myself a little crazy. It wasn’t a good feeling that I gave myself, the unknowing and all of the fears that washed over me.

It was so bad that I turned my phone off mid-day because I wanted to stop checking it to see if he had called. He hadn’t said he would, I didn’t ask him to, but for some reason, his call was going to determine if we were together or not. I know, crazy, but I swear that was what I thought. So, I turned it off to save myself from looking at it for so long. When it went back on, I saw that Jason had called, and left a message. So, of course, my heart was beating out of my chest as I walked to the car and listened to the message.

He wanted to see me that evening, made some assumptions that I was okay with and then said something about how he missed me. It was all so sweet, and I was shaking inside by his message. What was I supposed to think of that?

I rejoiced inwardly, knowing that the message had assuaged all my worries, while giving me new hope that was going to make me just as crazy as before. I could already see it happening. I was lost to do anything that would make it better. This was as good as it got.

It wasn’t that hard of a decision to go see Jason. I was into him a lot and there was nothing else that I wanted to do but go see him. I tried to think of all of the great things that we were going to do, but I wasn’t sure. What sort of mood was he going to be in? He was the sort of man that it really mattered. I wasn’t sure if I could put up with him in a bad mood again. I didn’t know if I wanted to.

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