Page 27 of Deep Connection

As soon as I heard about the baby, I thought something inside of me changed. It was then that I realized that nothing was ever going to be the same again. I worried about everything, but one thing I worried about more than anything else was how this was going to relate to Jason. He was the man that I loved, but he was dangerous to be around. I had no idea where he was and I didn’t know if searching for him and getting our baby killed was going to help anything. There was something about all of it that left me wondering what was next. I could no longer see the two of us being together. I couldn’t conceive how it would all work out. It didn’t seem possible.

Another thing that worried me was that there was something else with Jason that I didn’t know. We were the sort of couple that had a lot of secrets, and I wasn’t truly sure what the secrets were that he had. I knew that he had many. He was right now getting secret surgery done, and I didn’t know what was going to happen. He didn’t either.

That was his choice though. He’d told me point blank that he wanted to have nothing to do with me. It was just a good time, which was it for him. I couldn’t make him care, and since he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, he certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with our baby.

I liked the sound of it, but I rephrased it, “My baby.” I liked the sound of that as I said it out loud.

I made a promise to my unborn baby right then and there that I was going to love them no matter what. I didn’t know how this was all going to play out with Jason or any of it, but I was ready to move past this. I had a lot to do and only a few months to get it done.

Leaving Jason was hard, but I told myself what I needed to hear. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for him, I think I always would, but I had to pick up the baby. The baby was helpless and didn’t deserve the up and down and the rejection. Honestly, I didn’t think I could deal with it myself.

So, I decided then and there that I was going to take off. I needed to get back to my life, the one I had before the military came in and changed everything. I wasn’t going to run from Jason for my whole life. I was helping others change into something they wanted, while I myself was stuck for some reason. It wasn’t helpful, none of it was. I had a real life here, but that just made it easier to go. I could walk away from it all now. I was going to have a baby, our baby, and though Jason didn’t want it and he probably would never know, there was still a part of me that liked the idea of the two of us doing something with our love. While he hadn’t loved me, that didn’t take away any of the feelings that I had about him.

Leaving was going to be hard, but I reminded myself gently that I had been through worse and came out the other side of it. I had to believe that I would again. I wasn’t fine before Jason came into my life, but I would be fine without him. I had learned, grown, and really, I didn’t have a choice but to get over Jason. Once again, I couldn’t make him love me.

Leaving work, Dana, Jason, all of my life back home, was harder to do than it should have been. I think worse than leaving it all behind was not telling anything or anyone about where I was going. Dana wanted to know what I was thinking, why I was running off, but the truth of the matter was that I couldn’t tell her. If Jason ever did want to come back and decide he wanted me again, I didn’t want him to be able to find me. I couldn’t think of anything that was going to go well from that. If he wanted to, he would just convince me to go back on my word and I knew that it was better to stay away, far away.

So, I went without much explanation, and I know that Dana was offended and hurt. I hadn’t meant to make her feel any sort of way, but I knew how she was. If Jason came and asked some questions, there was no way that she wasn’t going to answer it. There was a part of her that wanted things to be different, but she knew better. She wanted there to be a reason for the two of us to go through everything that we had, but I had no proof.

I thought about Jason all the time. I heard from Dana that he was back in town and had been looking for me. She said that he had something real important to tell me. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I was nervous about it. I tried to get her to tell me, but I wasn’t going to tell her where I was. Dana thought that I was going to come back in a day or two. That was something else that I had kept from her, how long I was going to be gone. I was worried about how she was going to act when she found out that I was pregnant and it would be a while before I came back, if ever.

“Why are you acting so strange, Abigail? We have known each other for a long time and while you have always had your moments, which I get, this is a whole other level. You have to tell me what is going on. This is ridiculous.”

“I just have to get my head straight for a while. I won’t be gone too long.”

She made a disparaging sound, and I wished then that I could tell her. I cared a lot about her, and I never wanted to lie, but sometimes I had to. Sometimes, it was easier to lie than to explain it all. “What do you want me to tell him?” she inquired. I had thought about this.

“I don’t know, you don’t know anything to tell him, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Is that why you won’t tell me what’s going on? You think that I am going to tell Jason?”

Yes.

“No, I just don’t want to say anything because I’m not sure what is going on. Trust me, it could be worse.”

Dana wanted to know how it could be worse. She was fishing and while I wanted to talk for a while, I knew that every second with her was going to make it easier for her to get more information. I didn’t want her to have anything to tell Jason. She would too, if given half a chance. It wouldn’t be something she did to be mean by any means, but it was something that she couldn’t help. Dana was too helpful, even when it was at the detriment of her friends. I’d been there before, and I didn’t want to be mad at her again. It was easier to accept who she was and not tempt her with information.

I got off the phone with Dana and hoped that I hadn’t given anything away. I replayed the conversation and she seemed to be in the dark still. I hoped it stayed that way, even if I wanted a friend to talk to about how my life had taken every turn that I could imagine. Nothing was ever going to be the same again, and I hated that I had to deal with all of it while I was alone. It didn’t make for anything being any easier. Actually, it made me feel more alone than I’d ever felt before. I couldn’t stand how I had to push Dana away, when all I wanted to do was dish and tell her everything. It went against everything in me to keep it to myself.

The baby inside of me was growing rapidly, and I felt so out of touch with everything and everyone. I wanted to talk to Jason. It was good to know that he was asking about me, but I still knew how bad a mistake it would be to go to him. He had too much control over me. If I went to him, I would never be able to get away. There was something about Jason that I was never going to understand, a part of him that was off limits. I guess that I was just going to have to be okay with loving him and never knowing or having him. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I picked the baby, and it was a decision that I was more than happy to live with. I had to.

23

Jason

“You have to tell me where she is, Dana, this is serious. I haven’t seen her in a while, and I was told something bad happened to her. I have to know that she is okay.”

“She is,” Dana insisted.

While I trusted her, I didn’t care. I had to know, and I was willing to put pressure down if it was going to help anything. “Then why won’t you tell me where she is? You have to know. You guys are best friends.”

Dana looked away and I could see that she was upset. “I don’t know what is going on. Why can you see now?”

Dana was changing the subject, but because it was conceivable why she would be stuck on it, I told her that a doctor had cured me. I didn’t tell her that I had been basically kidnapped and Abigail had been attacked because she was trying to stop it all. The truth was that I couldn’t get the words out for all of that.

“Does Abigail know that you can see?”

I said that she likely didn’t, and Dana had this look like she wanted to be the one to tell me about it. I tried to focus on anything else, but it seemed like there was nothing I could do about any of it. “That might be the most romantic thing that I’ve ever heard. I know that Abigail is going to be excited to see you. She really is.”

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