Page 36 of Redemption

“Okay.” I nod. “I’m not up for riding, but I do want to visit her.”

He gives me a gentle smile. “I’ll be right there with you, Pres.”

I slide out of bed and throw some clothes on. Thankfully, we don’t run into anyone on our way to the stables. I can’t help but wonder if Beck had something to do with that. There are always people milling about, especially in the summertime when enrollment is maxed out on riding lessons. Beck holds my hand the entire time but doesn’t say a word. I think he’s giving me time to adjust. I try ignoring how oppressive the air feels with each step that I take. I can feel the heat of Beck’s gaze as my boots kick up the dirt. He’s watching… waiting for me to crack like some delicate piece of china. I hate that we’ve been reduced to this. If I’m not crying, I’m closed off… robotic almost. He’s so careful with every action, every word. We’ve never had to censor ourselves in front of one another or guard our feelings before. It’s almost as if we’re strangers sometimes.

I inhale as we reach the stables and feel my chest loosen. The stalls must’ve been mucked within the past hour; the scent of cedar shavings and hay is much stronger than usual. The ventilation system whirls above my head, keeping the air fresh and cool. The animals stir as we walk down the corridor until we reach the final stall, which belongs to my beautiful girl. Magnolia snuffs as her muzzle peeks out over the door.

I reach out my hand and allow her to sniff my upturned palm as I approach her from the side. “Hey, girl, how are you?”

Beck studies me as I stroke her soft chestnut coat. I can see him out of the corner of my eye—I can tell he wants to say something, but he refrains, watching me like I’m a complicated puzzle he’s trying to piece together. I can’t stand his scrutiny, so I hide my face behind Mag’s neck as my eyes water. I’ve no doubt he knows what I’m doing—why I’m hiding. But he’s allowing me the retreat because he knows I need it.

After a few minutes, he says his first words since we left the house. “Pres, why don’t we take her out? I’ll saddle Dakota, and we can ride out to the pond.”

I shake my head. “I can’t.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Again, I’ll ask. Why not?”

Magnolia is starting to get agitated, so I take a few steps back.

“Because I can’t go on pretending like nothing’s wrong!” I shout.

“I didn’t ask you to!” He removes his snapback and runs a hand over his head in frustration. “Goddammit, Presley. Stop shutting me out! Talk to me!”

Our shouting has all of the animals stressed now, so we head out of the building.

“You wouldn’t understand, Beck.” I hang my head in defeat.

He sighs. “I lost a baby, too, Pres. I’m just as sad as you are about it; I just can’t show it because I have to be strong for you.”

“You don’t have to be anything for me!”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You don’t understand, Beck. You can’t understand what it feels like to have a human being growing inside of you one day, and the next, it’s not. I still wake up almost every morning, expecting to see a growing belly, and I cry every time I find my flat stomach instead. I might not look pregnant, but I still feel pregnant. I still feel our baby growing inside of me. I know that’s crazy—I know it—but it’s how it is. I have to relive the heartbreak of losing my child. Every. Single. Day. Some nights, when I close my eyes, I wish for God to take me in my sleep, so I don’t have to go through that feeling again.”

His face falls. “Pres, please just let me in. We should be doing this together. It was our baby. Our loss. Stop shutting me out.”

“I can’t!”

“Tell. Me. Why?”

“Because you weren’t there!” I scream. “You weren’t there when I lost the baby! You weren’t there when I had to listen to the deafening silence of her missing heartbeat! You. Weren’t. There!”

His head jerks back as if I slapped him. “I didn’t know, Pres. I came as soon as I knew.”

Tears are pouring down my face as I start walking back toward the main house. I know we’re causing a spectacle, but I don’t even care anymore. “I know, Beck. But it doesn’t change the fact that you weren’t there when I needed you more than I ever have in my life.”

“I can’t change what happened,” he chokes out. “But I can help make it better if you’d let me.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Presley. You know that. If you still want to get married this summer, let’s get married. If you want to try for another baby, we’ll try for another baby. Just tell me what you want.”

My jaw drops, appalled. “You think trying for another baby is the answer?! Are you kidding me, Beckett?”

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