Page 53 of Redemption

Beck nods. “What’s there to say? One minute we were driving, and in the next we got up close and personal with an explosive.”

I gasp. “How did you make it out of that? Did anyone die or get seriously injured?”

I’m aware being in the military poses a safety risk, but knowing this man came so close to death doesn’t sit well. What if he didn’t survive? What if the last time I ever saw him was the day I walked away from him?

“One didn’t make it.” Beck gulps. “My buddy, Ben, lost a leg, which put him in a really bad place mentally. Things started looking up for him when he was hired at Cole Security, though. Jackson Cole, another former SEAL, owns the company. He actually offered me a job, too, but this ranch is in my blood. I knew this was the only place I’d be able to piece my fucked-up head together.”

“What does that mean?”

Beck looks away. “You’re not the only one with shit they don’t like talkin’ about, Pres.”

I consider that for a moment. As curious as I am about what happened, I respect that he doesn’t want to relive it by sharing the details with me, so we ride in silence for about fifteen minutes before I realize where Beck’s taking me. My breath hitches when the pond comes into view. I shift my weight deep in the saddle, lean back, and tighten Mag’s rein, signaling her to stop. My parents’ house hasn’t changed one bit, but it’s the exact opposite here. The trees surrounding the water are fuller and taller. Instead of a narrow, worn-out cedar dock, there’s one twice its original width with a large side deck at the end. The side deck has a small gazebo built into it with a hammock hanging in the middle. I can just imagine lying beneath the canopy to escape the hot summer sun, birdsong and croaking frogs providing the perfect soundtrack for you to drift off into a nap.

“Wow. How long has this been here?”

“About five years,” he answers.

Beck dismounts, leading Moonshine over to a wooden hitching rail—also a new addition—and ties her up. I follow his lead and do the same with Magnolia. Being here stirs up all sorts of conflicting feelings. I’m in awe—it’s even more beautiful than I remember—and I’m hit with the warmth of nostalgia. Many beautiful memories were created in this very spot. Yet, as I think about the last time I was here... when Beck and I made love, knowing it was goodbye... I’m overwhelmed by sadness. He and I used to talk about getting married at the edge of the dock. Building a house here and raising children, watching them making their own memories. The fact that none of those things will ever happen fills me with profound regret. I’m on autopilot as I walk across the wooden planks, running my finger along the gazebo’s railing. There are built-in benches on the inside, so I drop down on one, looking out at the water, dabbing at the tears forming in the corner of my eye as I soak it all in.

Beck takes a seat beside me. “There was a mission. We were riding in the Humvee, scoping out an area; fairly routine stuff. One of our brothers—this guy named TJ—was planning on getting married when we got back to the States. His fiancée wanted this really extravagant wedding, and we were giving him shit about how much it was going to cost. He was talking to Andrea—that’s her name—earlier in the day, and she was going on and on about dining options, asking how he felt about steak and lobster.” His lips form into a faint smirk. “She was not happy when he asked if they could serve chicken nuggets instead. Anyway... one minute, we were all laughing about TJ being in the doghouse, and in the next... we weren’t.

“I have flashbacks sometimes. Mostly while I’m asleep, but every once in a while, something will trigger a memory, like a sudden loud noise. They only come in bits and pieces—a lot of smoke, this extreme heat that I can somehow still feel. Blood... so much fucking blood. The one part that’s always crystal clear is TJ. As I was crawling on the ground, disoriented, ears ringing, in more pain than I could’ve ever imagined, bleeding heavily from the shrapnel that lodged itself into my leg... I found him.” Beck turns his head in my direction. “Half of him. I reached out to Andrea afterward... maybe two months later. She told me that she’ll never forgive herself for the fact that she hung up on him without saying ‘I love you’ like she usually did at the end of their calls. They grew up together, were high school sweethearts. Almost every memory she had was with TJ, and suddenly, she had to figure out how to survive without the one person on earth who made her whole.” He turns back to the pond, eyes unfocused. “Puts things in perspective, you know?”

I nod, my eyes blurry from tears. “Yeah.”

“When I came back here... sitting around trying to cope with the mess in my head wasn’t doing anyone any favors. And then my dad died, which turned up the noise to deafening volumes, no pun intended. Colby suggested I try the whole fake it until you make it approach, but I’ve always thought that was shit advice. Instead, I decided to face my problems head-on. Forced myself out of bed every day and worked hard. Kept busy. If the day went to hell, I’d get up the next morning and try again.” He gestures to the dock. “This was my first project. I chose it because this spot haunted me more than any other place on this ranch. I was determined to make it a place that brought me peace again. It took me a lot longer than I would’ve liked to finish it. I had already taken over my dad’s position at that point, so I could only work on it on days when I was on-call.”

“Did it work? Do you feel at peace when you’re here?”

“Close enough. I’ll come out here when I’m having a rough day. Sometimes, I’ll fish, but mostly, I’ll lie in the hammock and just be. This seems to be the only place where I can successfully do that.”

I don’t question it when Beck reaches for my hand and twines our fingers together.

“I told myself that if you were happy with him, I wouldn’t interfere. I was so fucking angry that you married another man, and I won’t ever pretend to understand it, but we were young, Pres. We both made mistakes. Maybe you should’ve never left, but maybe I should’ve fought harder to keep you. It took me a long time to realize that, but I do now.

“The fact of the matter is, you’re back, and I’m tired of being the guy who’s always pissed off at the world. I don’t want old scars getting in the way of my future happiness. I don’t want to figure out how to live life without you again. I barely survived it the first time; I don’t think I could handle it a second. You’re my person, Presley. You have been since the moment we met. Your absence didn’t change that, even though sometimes, I wished like hell it would.

“I know you have your own demons, and you have shit to wade through, but whatever’s troubling you isn’t going to dissuade me. If you need time, I’ll give you time. But unless you can honestly say you don’t want me, too, that I’m not the one person on earth who makes you feel whole, I need you. I need you to be open to the possibility of us being together again, whenever that may be.”

I wipe the tears streaming down my face with my free hand. “Too much has happened, Beck. If you knew... you wouldn’t be saying these things. You wouldn’t want me. I don’t just have baggage. I have the entire carousel.”

Beck shifts his body toward mine. He swipes a thumb across my cheek, wiping away the wetness. “And you think I don’t have my own issues? Darlin’, I’ve got issues and then some. My mind can be a scary place. I still see a counselor sometimes when things get really bad. But I get up every morning, work hard, and focus on surviving one day at a time. It’s all I can do, but I’m tired of doing it alone, Presley, and I’d bet you are, too. When I said I wanted all of you, I meant it. I want the good and the bad. So, we should be askin’ ourselves, why can’t we focus on healing together? What’s stopping us from doing just that? Life’s not worth livin’ if we’re just surviving.”

I shake my head. “It’s not that simple. God, Beck, I wish it were, but it’s just not.”

“So, make it that simple. Stop thinkin’ about whatever’s going on back in New York. Focus on the here and now. Focus on how you feel being on this ranch again.” Beck jerks his head toward the horses. “How you feel when you’re near them. How you feel when you’re near me. You’ll never know if it’ll work if you don’t try, Pres.”

I think about everything he’s said. There’s so much heartache to overcome. So much trauma. Can I really push that aside and focus on the present? I look around, remembering all of the good times this place has seen, wondering if I can ever feel that kind of happiness again. It seems so farfetched, but I do think Beck’s right about one thing. I won’t ever know if I don’t try, and the last thing I need is more regret.

I squeeze his hand. “I can’t make any promises... but... I’ll try.”

Beck’s face lights up in a grin as he bumps his shoulder into mine. “Yeah?”

I nod, infusing as much conviction into my reply as I can manage. “Yeah.”

Chapter Thirty-One

Presley

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