Page 49 of Cat's Outta the Bag

Eventually, it will get easier, right?

Chapter 36

Jason

It's been two weeks since Alexis ended things, and I've barely left my apartment. I'm drowning without her, and I have no idea how I'm going to go on.

My mom and dad have called daily. Steven is pissed, but he can go die in a hole for all I care. I can't even bring myself to talk to Isla, who is usually the first family member I turn to. I'm unmoored, drifting with no direction.

When my phone rings, I almost don’t even bother to look. Whoever it is, I don’t feel like talking. But I force myself to look, just in case it’s Alexis.

No.

But it is someone I didn’t expect.

Vanessa.

I haven't spoken to her in months since we broke up. I feel incredibly guilty, but I wasn't sure she would want to talk to me after the news broke about her being in recovery.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Jason, it’s Vanessa.” Pause, she sounds nervous. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

I suppress a sigh; I don't really want to do this, but I owe it to her.

"Yeah, I can talk. But first, can I say something?"

“Sure…” she sounds hesitant. I don’t blame her.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry." I take a deep breath and keep going. "I didn't see how much you were struggling, and it kills me that I blew you off. I didn't see it, and I'm so sorry. I just want you to know that if I had realized how hard you were spiraling, I would have tried to help. I hope you can forgive me."

She sighs on the line, but I can’t tell if it’s an ‘I’m relieved’ or ‘I’m annoyed’ sigh.

"Jason, you have nothing to be sorry for. That's my job. Wait, let me finish. If you interrupt, I'll never be able to get this all out."

I almost laugh, she still knows me well enough to know that I don't usually let others take the blame off my shoulders. But she sounds shaky, and I need to listen.

"I know you probably saw the news when it broke, but I'm an alcoholic. I've always struggled with my mental health since I was young, but as I got older, it became unmanageable. I would have really good months and then really low ones, and I self-medicated with alcohol. I reasoned with myself that because it was a legal substance, I wasn't really abusing it. But the reality is that I was. That night we broke up, I was on a five-day bender, and if we hadn't had that fight, I might not have been caught. Or I could be worse than I am now. This didn't get out into the media, but I tried to drive after. I didn't get far before being pulled over, and I didn't hurt anyone, but I could have. It was the wake-up call I needed, and I've been in treatment since.” She pauses, sucking in a shaky breath. I can only imagine how hard this must be for her.

"I need you to understand that I never wanted to hurt you. I was spiraling about the project I was on, my stepfather, and how lost and alone I felt. I wanted to destroy my life rather than feel numb. No one but me could have stopped it from happening, and I am trying my best to own my mistakes. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Of course, Vanessa. You don’t even have to ask; I forgave you the minute I learned you were struggling. I actually talked to my girlfriend about it at the time. She’s a doctor, and she helped me realize that what happened was because you were in pain, not because you wanted to hurt me.” There’s a hollow pang in my chest when I talk about her.

"Oh yeah, we get a few hours of internet time a week here; I saw you were dating again. That's wonderful, Jason. Are there wedding bells in the future?" She sounds genuinely happy for me, and I can't stop the few tears that begin to escape. I've never cried this much in my life.

“Well, actually. She just broke up with me. If I hadn’t fucked it all up, we’d probably be living together right now.”

"Oh Jason, I'm so sorry. But I can't imagine you messed up that badly. It's ok if you don't want to talk about it, but honestly, it would be nice to think about something other than my own mental health right now." She chuckles a bit self-consciously. And suddenly, I find myself desperate to share.

“I think I need to talk about it.”

I end up spilling it all out. Every detail, well at least the important ones, my ex doesn't need to hear about our sex life. When I finish, the line is silent for a bit. I almost think she's hung up.

"Well, Jason. I won't lie; you did kind of mess up. But I think the party thing isn't the real issue here. Sure, she's mad, but as long as it works out with her job, she'll probably get over it fast. I mean, I don't know her, but it sounds like she's more hung up on the fact that you didn't stand up for yourself and your dreams. Maybe if you show her that you're stronger than you were that night, she'll forgive you?"

I see a tiny ray of hope for the first time in weeks. "You know what, Vanessa? I think you're right." A million ideas start popping into my head. I know exactly what I need to do to show her I love her and that I want to build a future that I'm proud of. But it's going to take some time, and fuck, that scares me. What if it takes too long?

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