Page 69 of Roommate
“Is the pizza okay?”
“It’s great,” he says immediately.
“So then why are you giving me that look?”
He looks down at his plate. “Well, what are the rules?”
“Rules? You mean for me and you?”
“Yeah. The rules. I like to know where I stand.”
I set a pizza crust down on my plate and turn to look at him. I like to know where I stand, he’d said. As I gaze into his light brown eyes, I realize that it’s a simple request, but it’s not a demand that I’ve ever learned to make.
I’ve gotten too used to living on the edge, never knowing where I stand. At seventeen, I knew I could get kicked out of my parents’ house at any moment. Eventually I did. And at nineteen, I learned not to trust anyone, because they might rob you in your sleep.
So it’s really no surprise that I spent three years with a man who refused to even acknowledge our relationship. I offered myself to him without reservations, and he treated me like the snack buffet on the club level of a fancy hotel—grazing on my love when it suited him, and ignoring me the rest of the time.
Kieran Shipley waits quietly while my thoughts ping around like caffeinated ping-pong balls. Forty minutes ago he manhandled me into the living room and removed my jeans. But now he’s watching me with soft eyes, and I don’t even know what to do with all his patience.
“Hot mess, here,” I say, holding up a hand. “I’m not very handy with rules. But I’ll make some if you want me to. Like I said before, I don’t want you to end up hating me.” I need to keep my job, and I’d rather not alienate the guy whose house I’m living in.
“Roddy, I’m never going to wind up hating you.”
So you say. “What rules were you looking for? Are you worried that I’ll invade your space? Too much togetherness?”
“No, uh, the opposite.” He shakes his head. “What am I allowed to do. What am I allowed to touch?”
“Oh, honey. I told you that I gave up on trying to stay away from you. Pretty sure there’s no part of me you can’t have if you want it. What else?”
He likes the sound of that. Those brown eyes look warmer. “Well, you told me you use Grindr sometimes.”
“Oh.” Now I feel like a tool. I should have guessed what he was thinking about. “No, I haven’t had any Grindr hookups in more than three years. I’d only downloaded it because I was curious what it was like in Vermont. I chatted with a few guys just because I was lonely. But I’ll delete it tomorrow.”
“Okay.” He lifts his chin and studies me. “I don’t know how these things work. But I don’t think I can share.”
My needy heart likes the sound of that. “They work however we say they work. And I know your lack of experience embarrasses you a little bit.” His eyes flip up and then right back down again. But he gives me a quick nod. “The truth is that we’ve both probably had the same number of healthy relationships.”
“Zero?” He snorts.
“Yeah. That many. So you’re smart to bring this up. But I wouldn’t live in your house and fool around with you while also fooling around with someone else. That’s too complicated, even for me.”
“Okay.” I get a quick smile.
“On the other hand, I sure don’t want to get on your nerves. If you don’t want me in your bed, or whatever, you can just say so.”
“I want you in my bed, preferably naked,” he says immediately. “That’s easy. But the other hours of the day are more complicated.”
“Because of work,” I say slowly. Kieran is in the closet. Or more accurately, he’s still experimenting. And the truth is that I don’t really need to be the face of Kieran’s sexual exploration. “Work is a problem. I guess we’ll have to be very discreet.”
He nods. “It’s private. My family has no clue.”
“Right. I understand.” But oh, the irony! I promised myself that after all that time helping Brian hide our relationship that I would never get myself into this situation again. But here I go.
This is a totally different situation, though. Kieran isn’t trying to manipulate me. He’s just sowing his first queer oats.
I just have to remember that.
Kieran grows thoughtful again, finishing his dinner in silence. Then I gather our empty plates and stack them on the tray, while he finds the next episode of Silicon Valley on his computer.
