Page 205 of This Woman Forever

Pain, alcohol, ignorance.

Old. Times.

“She’s trouble, son. I’m just telling you to be careful.”

Be careful? Is that some kind of backward code for “do as you’re told and expected”?

“But I’m trouble too, aren’t I?” I retort on a slur. Even drunk I could tell my dad I wouldn’t go there with Carmichael’s girlfriend, not even with a stick. But I won’t. Why would I pacify him? I’m everything he predicted and dreaded, so no one wins.

“Your wife is pregnant, Jesse, for Christ’s sake.”

“She won’t be my wife soon.” I take backward steps, retreating back into The Manor. Into my haven. “Because I never wanted to marry her.”

“But she’ll still be the mother of your child.” He waves a hand up and down my drunk form. “Look at you. Is this how you’ll parent? Drunk?” Then his hand is waving at The Manor. “In this... this... sordid sex haven?”

“I’ll be a good father,” I say, repeating Carmichael’s words. “I don’t have to be married to be a good father.”

“No, but you need to be sober!” he bellows, his emotions getting the better of him. “For Christ’s sake, Jesse. Think of your mother. Hasn’t she been through enough?”

I stop in my tracks. “You mean losing Jake?”

“Yes, I mean losing Jake!”

“I lost him too!” I scream, nearly falling to my arse, stumbling with the help of alcohol and emotion. Dad recoils, shocked. Good. Perhaps he appreciates my agony now, because it sure doesn’t look like he’s feeling any himself. “I lost him too,” I say more calmly.

“We can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore, Jesse. We can’t fix you.”

I laugh, and it’s demented. “Then you shouldn’t have fucking broken me in the first place.”

I turn and walk back into my sanctuary. Where no one judges me. Where I’m loved, appreciated. Where the pressures and consequences of life don’t exist.

Or, more significantly, the consequences of my life don’t exist.

I stop in my tracks and look back at Sarah. “Why did you tell my dad that we slept together?”

It’s only one subtle step, but she definitely backs up, wary. “What?”

“Why did you tell my dad that we slept together?” I ask again, this time clearer, slowly, turning my body fully toward her.

“I didn’t.” She laughs. It’s nervous. Pray do tell me she’s not going to deny it? “I didn’t tell him, Jesse. Maybe he overheard.”

“Overheard you telling who?”

“I... well...” She stutters and stammers all over her words, withdrawing. “I don’t know.”

“You talked about it, did you? You talked about me and you in bed fucking after what happened to our daughters?”

She swallows. “Jesse?—”

“Don’t.” I hold a halting hand up. Why I’m asking this after all these years, I don’t know. I knew Sarah was the reason my parents knew what happened in the lead up to Rosie’s death. After all, they called it. They warned me to stay away from her. And I didn’t. But I didn’t care that they knew because it gave them a reason to hate me. It gave them a reason to step away and leave me alone to waste the fuck away and slowly kill myself. No more confrontations. No more begging and pleading with me to be a better son.

They never asked you to be a better son, bro.

“Fuck,” I bellow, kicking the gravel, making Sarah flinch. Stones ricochet off the paintwork of the Aston, the pinging sound pretty.

They asked you not to throw your life away. It was you who told yourself you were to blame. You who thought you were lesser than me. You who told yourself Mum and Dad didn’t love you.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I kick the side of the car, resting my hands on the roof and leaning in. I feel so fucking lucid. Seeing the world with new eyes, remembering the past differently. Sarah told them in an attempt to sever my relationship with them completely. So I would never leave The Manor. And it worked. I think I always knew it, but I never dared let my mind go there. Because I helped her achieve what she wanted and what I thought I needed. And she nearly achieved the same thing with Ava. Destroyed that relationship too. Why does she think that’s love? Fuck. Will she ever let me go? “We’re having twins,” I say to the roof of the Aston. “Ava and I are having twins.” Another chance. “You can be here, Sarah. Take what you need from The Manor, but me and you are done.” I swing the door open, but before I can slip into the seat, a taxi pulls up around the fountain.

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