Page 27 of Lost In London

After we broke all the kids' eardrums with our singing, he changed the tunes to one of our other favorites, Big Gangsta by Kevin Gates. Whenever I was having a rainy day of nothing but tears and feeling blue, he played this and we became rappers. And then for the girls, we played Power By Beyonce. Cashton preferred to watch.

This was our healing medicine.

Good times.

Once we finished our singing and cleaning, we ordered our favorite meal – chicken wings, Chinese rice, blue cheese, pizza, and Chex sodas – the hood gourmet meal. The kids took a bath and so did we. Cashton went down to Amell’s house and the girls went over to Atlas's house. I lit my favorite candles, turned the lights down low, grabbed some wine, and sat out by the pool with Cassian. It was the perfect ending to a relaxing Saturday until Olena FaceTimed me.

“I’m happy with our flow, aren’t you? Kissing you has been the highlight of my week. I know we agreed to go slow but I’m glad you found comfortability in moving our relationship on to the next level.” Olena and I were so disconnected. So disconnected. I wasn’t at all happy about what I did but I was trying to prove a point to Quincey.

What point?

I don’t know other than continuing to live in denial that I like him… like him a lot.

A cloud of smoke breezed past my face. Cassian was all up in my conversation. “I’m about to finish some work before I call it a night. Text me in the morning and maybe we can do brunch.”

Olena’s big brown eyes smiled before her lips did. “Don’t forget. I really want to see you. Bye, Babe.”

“Bye.”

He didn’t even wait to make sure I hung up the phone before he started going in. “Damn, LoLo.” He frowned, blowing out a cloud of smoke. “Make sure you let me know when you start crunch-n-munching on pussy so I can stop drinking behind your ass. Damn sure ain’t sharing my weed anymore.”

“Wow, Cassian. Really?”

Frowning like I tried him, he looked at my wine glass in his hand that he’d been sipping from and placed it back down. “You damn right. What the hell I look like drinking behind you after you done got finished smacking on some cat? Hell nah,” his grimace thawed my annoyance just a little. “I ain’t about to get no mono behind you.”

Now that had me rolling. “Wow. I can’t believe you.”

“Wow, my ass. Explain it to me though. Why are you fuck’n with a broad again ‘cause the math ain’t mathing for me? I’m not getting the shit at all. Eventually, you’re going to start using fake dicks and strap-ons and shit so why not get a real nigga.”

“Because.” No matter how detailed I explained myself he wouldn’t understand and get it. No one would. I honestly don’t even think I completely understood my reasoning.

“Because what?”

“Because it’s not that simple. I want affection. I want to feel desired, truly desired. I want to feel loved and be in love. Chasing behind love got me in the predicament I’m in now. I like Olena. I’m attracted to her. She’s fun and sweet. She’s patient and understanding. She desires me, and stop making it seem like I haven’t tried again with a man. Have you forgotten that I wanted to try with you but you rejected me? If anything, blame yourself that I’m with her.”

I’ll never forget that night.

I tried to forget how desperate I became in a moment of drunk emotional weakness one night. I was having one of my moments. Listening to all these romantic songs, watching all these Black romance movies with Cassian while he sat there looking like a caramel fudge sickle. He was fine, no denying it. He was also packing below. We did share a bedroom and I’ve been privy to watching him get completely dressed and completely undressed a few times. Plus he wore sweatpants often. There was no doubt in my mind that he could satisfy me.

I already felt safe and trusted him so why not?

Prior to that night I never thought about taking my relationship with him sexual. I wanted and needed a friend, nothing more. That night had me tripping and I kissed him. My lips on his lips. He froze and pushed me back. His rejection smacked me back to reality and out of embarrassment, I ran to our room being dramatic like Tai and threw myself on the bed crying. He came in right behind me, scooped me up, placed me on his lap like I was one of his girls, and explained to me why we couldn’t go there.

Not one of my best moments.

Grabbing my chin, he turned my head towards him. “This is the last time we’re going to talk about that night. Did I reject you, London?”

In my eyes he did.

He didn’t kiss me back.

“Yes, you did… ouch. What was that for?” I rubbed the stinging spot on my thigh where he popped me.

“Try again. Did I reject you?” His hand was in the air ready.

When I moved my head to nod, he lowered his hand. “Wait. Wait.” It was so hard to stay in character with him. “Fine. It wasn’t rejection but you protecting our relationship.” Pushing his hands off my face, I sat back pouting.

“You can pout all you want to, London Nicole. I still stand by what I said back then. It was never rejection. What you and I have, I cherish it too much to jeopardize it ending because of dick and pussy. Think about it. As angelically beautiful as you are to me, you lay next to me every night, and not once have I ever tried you. We both know I’m a warm-blooded man with a real dick and not a fake silicone one like you and Olena are about to start using. That alone should tell you the level of respect and love I have not only for you but for our friendship.”

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