Page 69 of Lost In London

His shoulders dropped and his eyes softened. “I’m sorry. I really am. When it comes to the family you know that we love you.” Averting his eyes, even he knew that was bullshit. “Forgiveness is a two-way street, London.” He boldly accused. “If you want others to forgive and forget, then you have to do the same.”

I needed help picking my jaw off the floor because I know he didn’t just say what I think he did.

Clutching my aching chest, I tried to speak but all I could do was spew sputters of heavy breathing. Shaking my head, I started pacing because this had to be a joke. Where were the fucking cameras?

“Don’t you dare tell me who I am to forgive.” I was shaking so bad. “You know the thing about demons is that once you let one in they keep inviting their friends in,” I swallowed my cry. I refused to cry in front of him. He’s seen the last of my tears. “It becomes a never-ending cycle of pain, trauma, and abuse and I’m so tired of people telling me that I have to forgive my abusers.”

“Abusers?” He frowned in disbelief. “London, what abusers?”

What abusers he asks.

What abusers he questions me.

Sniffling, I closed my eyes trying to center myself. I haven’t had my old recurring nightmares in weeks and he wasn’t about to be the source to raise them from the dead. “Is there anything else you want to accuse me of because I have things to do?”

Gripping my chin, he turned my face until we were eye to eye. “Answer me, London.”

He was too late.

Stepping out of his grasp, I wrapped my arms around my middle and exhaled. “No, Landon. That’s one of the beautiful things about being an adult. I don’t have to answer you. Now please leave.”

“This is what I mean.” He threw his hands up in frustration. Locs swinging wildly. “You can’t make statements like that and not say anything.”

“I can do whatever the hell I want, that's what you need to realize. I don’t owe you or anyone else an explanation. I’ve learned that the only person I can rely on doesn’t share my blood and yes, that includes not being able to rely on you. You never care about what happens to me unless it affects your brand. These scars aren’t yours to unscab. No, I refuse to relieve my pain to stroke your ego. When I needed you, you weren’t available for me. Keep that same energy and leave.”

It hurt my soul to speak those words to my brother, my only brother, but it was needed. I take full responsibility for my past and the obnoxious amount of times I cried wolf. That wasn’t the right way to seek attention because I was hurting inside and wanted somebody to care. I own that and I understand it takes time to get over. But what these people weren’t going to do was keep bringing up my past like I haven’t been working my ass off to change.

It’s been life or death for the past year and a half and where has my family been? Nonexistent. Ready for me to fuck up so they can talk about me than congratulate me for changing.

It didn’t matter.

The people who were supposed to be in my life were, and where he and I went from here, I don’t know.

There were many perks I enjoyed from being a teacher. The biggest perk I enjoyed was having the entire summer break off. Up until this year, I never really stopped teaching. Either I signed up to be one of the summer school teachers, taught evening classes at the local community college, or ran a few programs at the Boys and Girls Club through my fraternity. I was always involved in something.

This summer was different.

I declined every offer to teach or run a program because I had plans. London was my summer plan.

She mentioned she’d never been on cruise so I reached out to a friend of mine that was a travel agent and booked us a two week Caribbean cruise starting a week after the school year ended. She also mentioned she wanted to go glamping. I ain’t never heard of no glamping and once I spent thirty minutes on Google, I reached out to another friend of mine and rented a luxury RV for the entire month of July so she and I could travel wherever she wanted to go.

I listened when she spoke about the things she wanted to experience and I put action behind them. Turning them from a dream into reality.

Like tonight, it was our first time being apart since we made our relationship official. Since the moment London allowed me into her world we’ve been a daily consistent in each other’s lives. Whether it was for fifteen minutes when she dropped by my classroom and brought me lunch or she and I laid out in my backyard talking until she became tired under the moon and stars.

Before the weight of our reality set in I made the conscious decision for us to spend today apart. We talked on the phone, sent text messages and got on Facetime. That was it. I never wanted London to feel overwhelmed to the point she pushed me away from my smothering as I’d been told in the past.

Yes, we fell in love quick.

Sometimes I feel like I loved her before I even knew her because my heart has been connected to my forever person since I started praying and asking God to prepare me for that woman. In the transformation God had to do within me, all of the uprooting of my old ways and teaching me new ways, I believe that that was during the time when I started to fall in love.

Of course it made no sense to someone who didn't understand me or my faith. I honestly could care less. As long as London understood and received it then everyone else was a non-factor.

Picking up my phone, I opened the notification from my security system alerting me of movement by my front door. Seeing Quest fumble with his keys, breathing heavy and sweating profusely, I set aside the papers I was grading and met him at the door.

My front door swung open showing my irate brother. His disposition unnerved me for a second. This version of Quest wasn’t one I was used to seeing. His lethal side. The savage beast that earned him the nickname Belial which means devil in Hebrew. While stationed in Spain a few years ago, an old homeless man that sat a mile outside from the military base started calling him that. He said when he looked in his eyes he saw death.

Quest hated when he was teased with the name and even fought some of his close friends over it.

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