Page 94 of Lost In London

It’s been eight days since I left the Kalmin compound and every day since I felt like I was dying a slow death. I never expected Cassian to blow up the way he did. I never expected us to be in the space we were in. He made me choose between him and Quincey and that crushed me. I loved Cassian, Lord knows I do but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my happiness because he wanted to be irrational.

I can’t even say that I unlocked the petty version of him when he had two large moving trucks come to my shop with all my things. He even included our bed that we shared. The day after that his lawyer contacted me and told me that Cassian had removed himself as part owner of my juice bars. When I asked Benny if he had been told to stop driving me around he said that Cassian had left that choice up to him to make. Said that Cassion would pay his salary for a year but after that it was his choice.

Our breakup crushed me and as each day passed it became harder to function.

When I tried calling him he answered one time and told me that if my life wasn’t in danger then I was to never call him again. I tried to Facetime Tai and Melly on their iPads and they answered crying saying that I was a mean and cruel troll. Cashton answered my calls though. He and Massey did. They were older and understood what was going on and knew that I hadn’t chosen a man over them, but rather chose to be fully happy in addition to them.

All of the wives reached out to me and said they weren’t picking sides and expressed genuine happiness for me and that he would eventually get over it but I didn’t think so.

“Sweetheart, you gotta eat.” Bless Quincey and his patience.

He just so happened to be over at my shop when those moving trucks came. While I broke down and cried, he took charge and moved what could fit in his house and put the rest in storage. I swear this week felt like deja-vu but with a different person.

He fed me. Bathed me. Clothed me and prayed over me. Just as Cassian had once done when I was at my lowest. Ironically this low moment had been caused by the man that had once used all of his might to lift me up.

“Am I selfish? Am I a bad person?” I know Quincey was probably sick and tired of me asking the same question.

How could Cassian preach and beat it in my brain to put myself first. To go after what I want and not care about the opinions of others, yet when I do that he penalizes me in the worst way for it.

Cradling me in his arms, Quincey sat me up and fed me a Jamaican beef patty and coco bread. “No, baby. You’re not selfish or a bad person. What you are is brave for standing up for yourself when it feels like you should’ve done what someone else expected you to do. I understand he wanted to protect his children but the fault isn’t yours to carry alone. It’s equally both of yours.”

“What do you mean?”

He handed me a bottle of water. “What I mean is that you two clung to each other at your weakest and most vulnerable moments. Creating this world of codependency was dangerous in my opinion because eventually one of you was going to move on and find love. And even if you didn’t find love one of you would’ve healed and wanted your space. That means that the other would’ve been forced to make adjustments when they weren’t ready to. Had to face the fear of being alone when they’ve had the other there with them through all the tough and good times.

“Then there were children in the mix and that’s always dangerous because just as adults get attached and cling, so do kids. Those girls went from losing their mother to clinging to you. Cashton was cool with living with his uncle but you came in and gave him something he’s been wanting… a home. You created an environment for him to feel safe and comfortable to live with his father again. However, those kids aren’t yours, they are his so it’s a shared fault.”

What have we done?

My tears were slow to fall but heavy in meaning.

I don’t know if this situation could have ever been avoided. Maybe if we had eased my daily interactions to less over time it wouldn’t have been such a big drastic change.

I couldn’t change time. What had been done was done but I wanted to fix it. Not having Cassian in my life, that hurt to breathe. Then add on not seeing his kids and them hating me sucked what last bit of air I had been able to wheeze through.

“How do I fix this? How do he and I fix this?” I curled up against his chest, wanting to find comfort in the warmth and hardness of his body.

“You pray about it. Pray for direction because this is bigger than just you and him. Kids are involved so whatever resolution comes from it, it has to include them.” I nodded in understanding.

Looking back at things, Cassian and I jumped into this intensive relationship only caring about what we could do for the other. Not at all concerned with the additional major pieces on the chessboard.

“And second, you can let me take you away for a while to relax and clear your mind.” He placed an envelope in my lap smiling.

I loved receiving gifts but my heartbroken state had me moving slow and unenthused. “Oh my God. We’re going on a cruise.” My attitude quickly changed seeing that he booked a Caribbean cruise for us. I remember mentioning it to him a while back and knowing he listened and did all of this, my tears this time had a different meaning.

A meaning that weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning. Quincey Reid was my joy.

“When we get back I’m going to have to double up on my pilates classes. Mhm, this lobster is so good. Here, babe. Taste some.” I never got a chance to taste it. London was eating from my plate and hers with no shame.

Our Caribbean cruise turned out to be just the vacation we both needed. We set sail out of Miami and our first stop was Cozumel, Mexico. For two days we went on sightseeing tours, road ATVs, and had a mini-photoshoot. Taking pictures was my idea and a gift I wanted to give to London once we got back. By the time we docked back in Miami, we would’ve had twelve photoshoots from each of the countries we visited on the cruise. These weren’t just going to be pictures she’d keep in a custom photo album but memories of her smiling and living.

Living and thriving.

“Are you excited about tomorrow?” I never knew there would be such intimacy in being fed. I’d arranged a surprise candlelight dinner on the beach, giving us the perfect view of Aruba’s ocean.

Wiping my mouth after feeding me another spoon full of food, she looked out at the ocean with such contentment and peace. She felt lighter and more at ease. “I am. Aruba is such a beautiful place but I can’t wait to see what Honduras has to offer. I know I keep saying it but thank you for this trip. I’m having the time of my life with the man I love.” Our kiss was firm and slow.

Everything about our time together on this cruise has been a constant rhythm of slow and steady. We moved to the beat that best suited us. Whether that was sleeping in until noon or spending all day out on our private balcony growing closer. Our talks ranged from our favorite episodes of Martin to sharing stories from our childhood. Sometimes there were tears but mostly there was laughter. So much laughter and peace.

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