Page 29 of Find Me

I sigh. “It’s a long story. A very long and very complicated story.”

“I’ve got nowhere to be but right here.”

I don’t know whether it’s the alcohol, or him, or a combination of both, but I start talking. I tell him about my parents cutting me off, the bills piling up, and getting mixed up with a guy who I thought cared about me. I lightly brush over about how I borrowed some money, the drugs I’ve been using, and how I’m now in a mess of my own making, unsure of what to do next. Even though I tell him more than I thought I would, as the words flow easily out of my mouth, I keep the part about my deal with Rhett locked away, embarrassed by my own stupidity. I keep talking as he listens patiently, and by the time I finish, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from me.

I wait for his response, a part of me expecting disgust or judgment to take over his features, but I’m surprised to find a look of understanding on his face instead.

“That is complicated,” he muses.

“I kinda fucked up a bit, hey?”

“Just a bit,” he agrees, as a slight smile tugs at the corner of his mouth, “but nothing we can’t get you out of.”

“There is no we, Jax,” I say dryly.

He ignores my comment as he probes more about the situation.

“So, this guy, how long have you been together?”

“A while,” I respond vaguely.

If he’s bothered by my answer, he doesn’t show it.

“And you like him?” he asks before taking a sip of his drink.

“Sometimes.”

He looks at me questioningly and I sigh before continuing, “Sometimes he makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, like I’m the only person who can be what he needs. But other times, other times I don’t even recognize myself with him… The drugs, the partying… it’s all gotten out of hand since I started… dating… him.” I take another breath, hoping Jax will fill the silence but he’s just looking at me, seemingly deep in his own thoughts, so I continue. “Being with him makes sense; he’s everything my parents would want for me, everything I should want for myself, but…” I stop myself before I say too much, I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly hyper aware that I’ve started to spill everything to someone I barely know.

As if sensing my discomfort Jax begins to speak. “So, you said you borrowed money… from him I assume?”

I nod silently, taking another sip of my ice-cold drink before wiping my hand, wet from the condensation on my glass, on my pants.

“How much do you owe him?” he asks.

I tell him, and he lets out a low whistle in response.

“Jesus Christ, love, that’s not a small amount.”

I drop my head, focusing on my drink as shame spasms through me.

“Just tell me why. I’m not judging you—we’ve all made mistakes before—but why are you doing this? Why are you even entertaining this guy who’s all kinds of wrong for you? What are the drugs helping you escape from?”

“Oh, and you know someone who would be all kinds of right for me?” I laugh.

He smiles.

“I do,” he says simply as he brings his glass to his lips.

I huff a laugh in response, before whispering quietly, “I just want to be happy. To find a little bit of joy within the mess that my life has become. So first it was weed, and when that didn’t become enough it was coke or whatever else he handed me, usually party drugs. And now, as of last night, I’ve tried fentanyl, and who knows what else… I don’t remember much.” I glance at him nervously as rage flashes across his face. “Don’t worry, I won’t be doing that again. I think he knows I’m mad he gave it to me… While I’m happy to take something lighter to take the edge off, this is on a whole other level and I’m not okay with that risk,” I say quickly, feeling the sudden urge to explain how I feel about this experience.

“I will fucking murder him for doing this to you, love,” he declares, his tone sending a chill through me.

“He didn’t do anything Jax, I asked for all of it,” I confess.

“Let me make one thing clear,” he continues, his voice deathly quiet, “If someone hands you a knife and convinces you to stab yourself, over and over again, only to watch you bleed out, then they’re just as responsible for your death as you are.”

I nod, reaching for my glass and taking a large sip of my drink, my eyes watering as the burning liquid travels down my throat.

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