Page 39 of Find Me

“Semantics.”

Jax huffs a laugh, the anger briefly replaced by humor. “There’s that fire again,” he muses as I roll my eyes.

“So,” he continues, “care to tell me what the fuck is actually going on between you two?”

“Remember how I told you it was a long story and things are complicated?”

Jax nods in confirmation.

“It’s an even longer and more complicated story.”

I tell him everything about my deal with Rhett. How I hadn’t just borrowed money from him, how it wasn’t as clean cut as a simple loan, and how, instead, we’d made a deal that was an exchange of sorts. How all Rhett had asked was for me to be amicable, a small request that ended up costing me everything. Jax is silent the entire time I speak, the only sign that he hears me is the occasional rise of one of his eyebrows, in surprise or judgment, I can’t tell.

The shame within me grows as I speak, and I struggle to look him in the eye as I use him as a confessional, leaving no sin buried.

Even with the distance between us, me in my bed and him on the chair, I can feel the anger radiating off of him as I keep talking, his fists opening and closing at his sides as if he’s struggling to contain everything he just heard.

His mouth is now a thin line, his jaw tense.

“Fucking hell, love.” His voice is thick with emotion I can’t place, as if worry, disappointment, and anger have merged into one. He runs a hand through his hair.

I close my eyes, wondering how I could be so stupid, how I could be dumb enough to make a deal with him after his charming façade started to fade. Was I so desperate to be loved that I was willing to give everything to someone who couldn’t care less about me, leaving me when I needed them most? I can’t grasp the reality of it all.

He left me while I was overdosing on a balcony.

Fuck.

I can’t stop the tears flowing down my face as my chest heaves, the pain I feel threatening to split me in half. My shoulders slump forward, no fight left in me, no way to keep my feelings from consuming me whole. This feels worse than any hangover I’ve ever had; my head feels like it has been hit with a hammer, the taste is my dry mouth is acidic, and my body feels as though I’ve been hit by a bus. Shame cuts through me as I realize I want something to make it all stop, something to keep everything from hurting so much. My eyes open quickly as a rough thumb gently wipes the tears away and surprise rolls through me at the sight of Jax staring at me intensely.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whisper.

“I’m fucking furious.” He breathes, and I look away, unable to face him.

A moment later his thumb tilts my head up, forcing me to look into his eyes.

“Don’t hide from me, love,” he whispers.

“I’m sorry,” I say meekly. “It was a stupid deal, and I made stupid choices. I never should have got involved with him and I am so mad at myself for everything—”

He cuts me off abruptly. “You don’t have to justify your choices to me,” he says, and some of his anger dissipates as he takes a breath. “I agree that you made some really fucking stupid choices but trust me when I say that stupid decisions are easy to make, especially when all we’re looking for is to feel loved and accepted.” He takes a deep breath, as his body relaxes a bit more. He continues, “Does that make you an innocent bystander in all of this? Of course not. You made bad decisions, and I hope you have learned your lesson. So, am I furious? Yes. But trust me when I say none of it is directed at you.”

I’m speechless as he looks me up and down.

“And Evi?” he murmurs as his hand skims across my thigh.

I follow his gaze to the bruises on my thighs. “This, love, is not a lesson anyone should ever have to learn. You deserve so much more, someone who will give you the world, not cause you pain. Promise me you’ll never tolerate this again, love.”

The tears keep falling as I nod in agreement, and I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands.

Seconds later, Jax climbs into bed beside me, the mattress sinking under his weight, as he secures me with his arms and wraps me in his warmth. There’s something comforting about being enveloped by him, as if he is a literal wall between me and the outside world.

“You scared me, Evi,” he whispers, his voice barely audible, void of the anger that was there just moments ago.

I lean into him, and we stay like this for hours as I drift in and out of sleep. Jax only moving to brush my hair out of my face and pull the blankets back up around me again.

CHAPTER 19

‡

---