Page 46 of Find Me

My breath catches, and despite everything, despite the nature of our conversation discussing Rhett, and my near overdose, and all of the other shit that happened this past year, I find a warmth spreading within me. A feeling that’s foreign to me spreads from my chest all the way to my fingertips, and in this moment, I feel truly seen and cared for. I wonder, not for the first time, how someone with such a tough exterior, someone who would quite literally kill for me, can evoke such warmth within me. Perhaps this makes me morally gray as well.

I smile at the thought.

“Penny for your thoughts, love?” he asks quietly.

“I’m just surprised by what I feel when I’m around you,” I say with a smile. “Because what I’m feeling right now is not how I should be feeling after you just told me you were going to kill someone.”

“Maybe what you’re feeling is how you should feel, but you’ve never been in a situation where you’re actually allowed to express yourself without being judged or ridiculed.”

I pause, taking in his words, and realizing they are true. I have never been able to be unconditionally me, to show my authentic self to others. Whether it be my family or Rhett, I am always putting on a mask, pretending to be someone I’m not in order to fit the mold my parents laid out for me, to fit into a life filled with yacht clubs and trust funds, knowing that I would be ostracized if I didn’t follow the path that was set out before me.

Jax relaxes back down on the bed, placing his hands behind his head again. He is the picture of calm, and my heartbeat quickens as I can’t help but appreciate his god-like body. The warm light from my room highlights his perfects muscles, leaving very little to my imagination.

I sigh, thinking about exactly what I want to do with him, and what I want him to do to me. Heat gathers inside of me, and my cheeks warm at the indecent thoughts as they swirl within me.

Jax stares at me, and I notice the length of him harden under my gaze, his thoughts apparently the same as mine.

“It’s just not fair, love,” he says with a grin, mischief lacing his words. “That I’m over here on this bed, all alone. Come join me.”

“It must be hard being you.” Sarcasm drips from my voice as I smile at him. But I move towards him anyway, unable to resist the magnetic pull I feel from his request.

I lay down beside him, resting my head on top of his chest, his body shifting towards me, his hands moving to caress my skin. Butterflies flutter in my stomach, a part of me still not used to being like this with him.

It is interesting and perplexing to see this side of him; the soft side that is reserved for, seemingly, just me. If I ever tell anyone what he is like behind closed doors with me, they’d probably never believe that such a ruthless person melts under my touch, cuddling me throughout the night. Hell, I can barely believe it, the conversation about Rhett still fresh in my mind.

“We have a lot to talk about,” I say hesitantly. “Like how you are in the business of seemingly kidnapping and murdering men.” I glance at him nervously, as a hint of fear courses through me, unsure if I’m treading on thin ice as I ask about his background in crime once again.

Jax, on the other hand, chuckles as if we are talking about the weather, and relief floods through me immediately.

“I’m not in the business of it, but sometimes it’s a necessity in my line of work. But in this case…” He takes a long breath, looking at me as his fingers trail lazily across my skin. “In this case, love, I will kill anyone who lays a finger on you.”

I look at him, getting lost in his emerald eyes, my body coming alive under his soft touch.

“We have lots to talk about,” he continues, “but right now, there’s something else on my mind.”

“I can see that,” I say, my gaze skirting over how hard he has become.

“You want to know what’s on my mind?” he asks, his fingers tracing circles on my skin, sending waves of heat toward my core.

“Mhmm,” I respond, unable to string words together under his touch.

“I want to tell you something I want from you… something I need,” he continues, his voice gravelly. “I need you to get up here and sit on my face.”

I suck in a breath.

“I have never…” I start, clearing my throat. “No one has ever asked me to do this before, I wouldn’t know what to do.” Embarrassment takes root within me as I confess my inexperience.

He smiles, flames of desire sparkling in his eyes. “You just get up here and sit, love. I’ll take care of the rest.” He purrs.

I do as he asks, shifting myself over him and straddling his head, my thighs brushing against the sides of his face. I hold onto the headboard for support, hovering over him ever so carefully.

His tongue lightly licks against me, sending shivers across my body.

He pauses, tilting his head up so he can speak freely.

“Love,” he starts, a twinkle in his eye.

“Am I doing it wrong?” I respond, trying hard to hide the hurt in my voice. “I’m doing it wrong aren’t I? Can you breathe okay? I’m sorry I just never… I’ve never…”

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