Page 52 of Find Me

“I grew up with everything I ever wanted, but not the things I needed. I felt invisible and unwelcome in my own home. My entire life had been planned out for me, from who I should date, which schools I’d attend, and what career path I’d take. On the outside, I was the picture-perfect heir to my family’s legacy, but on the inside, I was screaming. I had no say in anything I did, and I had no one who genuinely cared about me, except perhaps my brother, Garrett.”

Ryan listens quietly, sipping his coffee and nodding occasionally.

“I just wanted to taste what freedom was like. To feel what it was like to make my own choices, make my own friends, choose who I wanted to date, and feel what it was like to be truly happy with what I was doing. So, I dropped out of school to pursue art, met a guy—”

“Rhett,” Ryan interjects.

“Rhett,” I confirm. “And we all know how that turned out. I borrowed some money from him, and one thing led to another, and I started spiraling. While I didn’t expect anyone to rescue me from my own choices, I would have thought someone I had given everything to would have at least offered me a hand when I fell. But here we are.”

“Here we are,” Ryan repeats.

“So right now I’m just surviving and trying to figure out what I want my life to look like.”

“There’s one silver lining to all of this,” Ryan says with a smile.

I raised an eyebrow in response, waiting for him to continue.

“You’ve got Jax and I on your side now. And we’re a pretty good pair to have around,” he says.

“Like I said,” I continue, “I’ve made a lot of bad choices, but I’m not sure which one landed me here.” I joke with a smile, as he tosses a handful of popcorn at me in jest.

“Oh, so now we’re throwing food.” I laugh. “Real mature.”

The rest of the afternoon continues in a similar way. We watch movies, talk, and get to know each other, and it doesn’t take long before I decide it’s impossible not to like Ryan.

By the time the sky darkens and the moon hovers above the city, I’m feeling exhausted by this week’s events. A sweat has broken out over my forehead and my hands are trembling despite how hard I grip them in my lap. I can no longer focus on the movie in front of me, an old black and white film. With the exhaustion, I find my mind wandering, unable to block out everything I had been through, and the emotions start to trickle back. I try desperately to push them out of my head, to not let the feelings take over, knowing I’m not ready to reexperience everything again. A need begins to grow inside of me, one that I know can’t be satiated by anything in my apartment now. A part of me hates that the first thing I want to do when these uncomfortable feelings arise is to numb them immediately.

A warm hand grips mine as Ryan leans towards me.

“When was the last time you went this long without something in your system?” he asks, not unkindly.

I look at him, searching for anything behind his eyes, but all I find is kindness.

“I don’t know,” I say quietly, realizing it’s been a long time since I even gave myself the opportunity to truly experience my emotions.

“I’m getting the feeling you left a fair bit out of the story you told me earlier,” he responds, while still steadying my hands. “I’ll get you an ice water and a cold washcloth.”

He goes and does just that, not needing my help to find things as he rummages through my cupboards to get what he needs and is back beside me within minutes.

I didn’t realize how good cold could feel as the water washes down my throat and the cloth presses against the nape of my neck.

“I may have almost overdosed a few nights ago. Rhett left me instead of helping me,” I confess quietly, surprised that Jax hadn’t told Ryan yet.

“Ah,” Ryan says, as if finding a missing piece to the puzzle he was trying to put together. “Well, now I know why Jax was adamant about killing someone I had never heard of. It’s starting to make sense.”

Ryan sits down on the couch next to me again as he watches me closely, and a sympathetic look crosses his face.

“You just have to get through the next few days, Evi,” he says encouragingly. “Give yourself time to start dealing with this and wait for the sweats and trembles to subside. I can’t say you’ll never crave doing it again, I’m sure you will, but at least you won’t feel as physically sick.”

I nod, not sure what else to say, and not wanting to let on how badly I am craving it now. While I couldn’t care less about the physical sensations taking over my body, knowing I can ride them out just like a hangover, the thought of having to deal with all my emotions resurfacing terrifies me.

I lay on the couch for the rest of the evening, drifting in and out of sleep as Ryan hovers over me, refilling my water as needed. Eventually he must have sat down as I wake up with my feet on his lap, watching him subconsciously rub them as his eyes remain glued to the TV until sleep finds me again.

I don’t know how long we stay like this for, but the sound of heavy footsteps and the click of my front door is enough to pull me from my sleep.

“Well, don’t you two look comfortable.” I open my eyes at the sound of Jax’s voice.

Ryan nods at Jax before looking back at the TV, seemingly intent watching whatever is happening.

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