Page 58 of Find Me

“I’d rather not, Jax, I need to calm down first. Please leave.”

Hurt flashes across his face as he reaches for his phone.

“I’ll leave if that’s what you want, love, but Ryan will keep you company, and join you on your walk.”

I sigh in frustration. “I just want to be alone for once. I want to be able to think.”

“He’ll sit downstairs then.” He counters, texting on his phone before looking back at me. “Call me if you need me, love.”

Jax picks up his clothes and heads downstairs, and I can hear him getting dressed as I pace my room until I’m sure I’ve worn a patch in the floor. Fifteen minutes later, Ryan’s voice fills the apartment, and I hear the roar of Jax’s motorcycle coming alive outside minutes later.

I peek out of my bedroom door into my apartment below, only to find Ryan looking up at me.

“Well, I take it the night didn’t exactly go as I thought it would,” he says as he walks towards me, tentatively climbing the stairs up to my room. I don’t bother stopping him.

“No, it didn’t,” I say shortly, frustration still digging its claws into me, my body tense.

“Want to talk about it?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Not really.” I shoot back quickly, before sitting on my bed defeated, looking at Ryan in my doorway.

“I just feel like everything has gone to shit. This whole year, my whole childhood. And then I open up to Jax about one good memory I have, and he insinuates…” I trail off.

Ryan walks into the room leaning against the wall as he listens to me talk, telling my story to him, the same one I told Jax.

“I can see where you’re coming from Evi, but I can also see why Jax is angry,” he says, his voice taking on a tone that I had yet to hear from him.

I look up and notice a flash of darkness across his face, something sinister behind those usually kind eyes.

“But he’s not even trying to see my side, Ryan. He can only see it for something it definitely wasn’t…”

Ryan looks at me sympathetically, the darkness replaced by sympathy.

“I get that, Evi, I do, but I don’t think Jax will ever see it the same way you do. He’s very… protective… of you.”

Frustration turns to anger, unsure of how someone who says they care about me so much may never be able to understand my perspective.

“I don’t care, Ryan. I never asked for anything from him. Can you just leave me alone? I need space to think without one of you breathing down my neck.”

He puts his hands up in surrender at my words. “Okay, okay, I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

I fall back onto my bed, letting out an exasperated grunt as I hear the stairs groan under his retreat.

Deep down I know they have a point, and I know they’re just looking out for me. But I just do not want to go down that rabbit hole right now. I meant what I said to Jax the other night, I don’t think I have it in me to deal with more darkness this year. Thinking about this anymore than I already have feels like I’m trying to open Pandora’s box, and I don’t have the energy to try and contain everything that’s about to come flying out at me.

The longer I lay in my bed, the more annoyed I become. We’re still hours away from sunrise, but sleep doesn’t come to me easily. I’m too frustrated to relax, and I toss and turn, fighting with the sheets as they wrap around me, suffocating my skin.

The room becomes too hot and perspiration on my forehead forms again, followed quickly by the tremor in my hands.

I need out of this room, and I need time to think. Alone.

I peek out of my bedroom door and down the stairs, able to see a sliver of Ryan sitting on the couch watching movies. There’s no way I’d make it outside through the front door without him noticing.

I shut my door quietly, feeling trapped in my bedroom.

I wander over to my window and open it slowly, taking a deep breath as the night air floods my senses. It’s then that I remember the old metal fire escape.

I grab a jacket and shoes from my closet, remembering my phone at the last minute, before carefully crawling out of my window and onto the rusty fire escape. It’s a tight squeeze as I step tentatively onto the old metal stairs, hoping that they don’t buckle under my weight. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone test the stairs to make sure they’re still functional, let alone use them. I try not to look down, worried that I’ll freeze if I see the ground below from so high up.

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