Page 60 of Find Me

“This is all I’ve got,” he says, handing them both to me as he steps out of his doorway, locking the door behind him. “Don’t come back here again… I don’t care what’s going on with you, but if you need a fix, you can go beg someone else for it.” He shoves past me roughly, getting on the elevator, and descending out of sight.

I sink to the floor in the hallway, my back resting against his front door, my body and soul desperate for a break.

What am I doing here?

I feel like I have just started to get my feet firmly planted on the ground and yet here I am, walking right back to the main source of my issues.

Why do I always seek out the worst things for me? Why wasn’t what I had gone through enough, and when did I feel so comfortable amongst chaos that it was more inviting than the calm Jax and Ryan had started to provide?

The questions go unanswered in my head, as I truly didn’t know why I am choosing this path, going out of my way to throw everything Jax has done to protect me right back in his face. Despite knowing the harm I am doing, and the hurt I am about to inflict, it doesn’t stop me from trying to justify what I am about to do. That I am helping myself stop using drugs by being responsible and weaning off slowly. That by helping bridge the gap between using and going cold turkey, I can help ease the nausea and tremors within me, and quiet my mind, making it easier for me to say goodbye to this lifestyle once and for all. I know I am bullshitting myself, I know it, but I don’t really care, my mind more focused on getting some relief from the constant tug I’m feeling, the one that pulled me back to Rhett’s place, looking for something only he would give me.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, distracting me from my thoughts. I pull it out, knowing who is probably trying to call me. Ryan’s name flashes on my screen and I send him to voicemail, but he keeps calling me. I curse Jax for giving him my phone number, and I can’t help but feel guilty for sneaking out of my room, which Ryan has clearly noticed I’m missing from.

I put my phone down on the floor beside me, the two bags weighing heavily in my hands, and I feel as though I’m on the edge of a precipice; I know that the choices I make in the next few moments will determine whether I fall over the edge or walk back onto solid ground.

I dump the contents of one baggie onto the hardwood floor, moving the powder into rough lines in front of me. I stare at it, thinking about the choices laid out in front of me. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can walk away from it all and stay on this path, regardless of how uneven the footing is.

Maybe I can keep Rhett as a distant memory in my mind instead of allowing him to dig his claws into me, impacting my choices even when he isn’t here.

I don’t want him to win. I don’t want someone who cares so little about me to have so much control over my life. But here I am, sitting outside his apartment and debating how much—if any—I’m going to take.

My phone begins to ring again, and I feel almost thankful for the distraction, breaking my stare away from the floor as I pick it up.

“Evi, where the fuck are you? I’ve been trying to reach you for ages!” Ryan yells with a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I went for a walk, Ryan,” I reply calmly, distractedly pushing the cocaine around with my finger, before bringing it to my lips and tasting it.

“Well, walk the fuck back here, Evi, or tell me where you are and I’ll come meet you.”

“No.”

“Excuse me? No?”

“No,” I respond simply, playing with the powder again.

“Jax said—” he starts before I cut him off.

“Jax can talk to me directly if he has a problem with my choices. I told you both I needed a walk alone, so I went for one.”

“You know Jax only wants to keep you safe, especially with Rhett out of his grasp now,” he says quietly.

“Rhett won’t be an issue, he’s not here anymore,” I say nonchalantly.

“Jax will—” He pauses. “What do you mean Rhett isn’t there anymore? Where the fuck are you?” He seethes.

“I told you, I went for a walk to clear my head. And I may have found myself in Rhett’s neighborhood and bumped into him. He’s leaving town. Trust me, Ryan, he doesn’t want anything to do with me right now. It’s fine. I’m fine. So, leave me alone and let me start my day in peace. I’ll be home soon, and you can chastise me then, or maybe Jax will punish me like he did Rhett.” I spit out, knowing I was speaking from a place of anger, and Jax would never lift a hand to me.

“Evi, you know that’s not fair. We’re just trying to—” His voice goes quiet as I end the call, tossing my phone down on the floor, staring at the white powder and pills once again.

I hate how much power something so insignificant has over me. I hate how this situation is even a tug of war in my brain.

I rest my chin on my hands, letting the events of the past year float in and out of my memory. The hurt. The loss. The abandonment. The loneliness. It all flashes in front of me as my breathing grows shallow, and my heartbeat speeds up.

I feel myself sway towards the precipice, feel myself hovering over the edge. And I almost choose to stand up and walk away. Almost. But instead, I lean forward, bringing my nose to the ground and letting myself freefall over the edge.

The drugs give me immediate relief from everything I am feeling. The nausea and tremors are quickly replaced by euphoria and a lightness I miss feeling in my body. I feel on top of the world, like nothing can bring me down, and I realize how much I had missed this level of hope, of optimism, regardless of how artificial it is.

I make quick work of the rest of the lines before moving onto the baggie of pills, chasing a level of numbness I know is possible.

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