Page 61 of Find Me

Remembering the euphoria from the last pills Rhett gave me, I take one out of the bag, rolling it tentatively between my fingers. I place it on the tip of my tongue, and it scratches my throat as I try to swallow it dry.

My phone ringing is a constant soundtrack in the background as I feel myself going off the rails.

I answer again, expecting to hear Ryan’s voice on the other end, but shocked when Jax’s voice meets my ears, causing a different type of need to stir within me despite my best efforts.

“Hello, love,” he says, his voice deathly quiet.

“Hi,” I say nervously, as anxiety builds in my chest.

“I hear you’ve taken yourself for a walk. Despite my direct orders.”

“You don’t own me, Jax. I’m my own person remember?”

“You are mine. Or do you not remember that? ‘I am yours, every inch of me is yours’,” he says, quoting me from just hours ago. “Or have you already forgotten the words you spoke to me?” His voice is barely above a whisper and laced with anger.

“I am. But I’m not. I…” I take a breath, putting another pill in my mouth and swallowing it slowly, the high from the cocaine starting to take effect. “I am yours, Jax, I want to be yours. But I’m my own person and I need to work through some shit first. I just needed some space today… this has all happened so fast, it’s suffocating me. I feel like I’ve gone from one person controlling me to another trying to. So, I went for a walk.”

“And how’s that going for you, love? Sort out everything going on in that head of yours?”

“Not quite.”

“Hmmm.” He muses. “Tell me where you are, love, and I’ll come get you. We can talk through everything.” Something else is palpable in his tone.

Is he pleading for me to come back to him? Is he truly that worried about me?

“I’m fine, Jax. I’m just in the middle of something and I’ll be home,” I say standing up, and almost falling, everything rushing to my head. “I’m just relaxing for a bit… and I’ll be home.” I giggle, my steps erratic underneath my body as I pace the hallway slowly.

“What do you mean you’re in the middle of something? Tell me where you are now.”

“I’m fine, Jax. I’m nowhere I haven’t been before. I’m going to relax now. I’ll see you in a bit… don’t worry so much.” I hang up the phone, silencing it from calls before switching on some music. I sit back down on the floor a few minutes later, tapping my fingers to the music before grabbing the baggie and taking another small pill out of it, not feeling the effects of the first two yet.

I don’t know how long I stay like this on the floor, how long I stay trapped in my own memories as the drugs take effect, but eventually I need out. I need away from this place, where I feel so much has happened to me behind the door I’m sitting against, but my memories are too fragmented to piece it together.

It takes a few attempts for me to stand up, and I claw at Rhett’s door, finally able to get a grip on the handle and pull myself off the floor. The realization that I have overdone it once again hits me like a ton of bricks.

I silence the small voice in my head that tells me to call Jax or Ryan, to ask them to pick me up. Instead, I make my way to the elevator, wanting to get outside and finish the walk I started.

I walk, or more like stumble, my way across the city. Stopping several times to rest my feet, unsure of why I am barefoot. When did I take my shoes off? Despite the sun being fully up in the sky, the air and ground are cold against my skin, and I find myself traversing neighborhoods I don’t recognize, trying to find my way back home. The people I encounter as I walk move out of my way quickly, giving me space as they glance at me from afar, looks of pity and disgust obvious on their faces. Everything feels disorienting, and the euphoria I felt earlier is slowly ebbing away, being replaced with worry and a sense of dread that is slowly spreading throughout me.

I have to find my way home, find my way back to the solace that only my apartment can provide me with, and the calm I only feel when I am around Jax.

I stumble up a curb, catching my foot on the hard concrete, a scream escaping my mouth as the ground rushes to meet me.

Before I’m able to hit the ground, strong arms wrap around me, lifting me away from the cold cement and steadying me on my feet.

“Thank fuck, Evi. Where have you been? We’ve been scouring the city for you,” Ryan says, the urgency in his usual calm voice alarming.

His hands grip me firmly on my shoulders as his eyes scan my body. “Are you okay? Where were you? And why are you out here with no shoes? It’s freezing…” He trails off, his eyes finally meeting mine.

“Oh, Evi,” he says sadly.

“What?”

He closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath.

“You told us you were fine…” he starts quietly. “I know it’s hard, but you could have told us if you were struggling this badly… that you needed to go…” He pauses, looking at me quizzically. “Wait, where did you go?”

I look away, unsure if I want to tell him the truth, but the drugs in my veins make it hard to care about repercussions.

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