Page 63 of Find Me

I bang on the door, struggling to believe that he would lock me in his room.

“Jax! Let me out of this room!” I yell.

To my surprise the click of a lock sounds, and the door swings open quickly. I step back as Jax’s presence fills the room, his facial features hard and not the soft welcome I am accustomed to.

I don’t know what to say as he shuts the door behind him, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he surveys me intently.

“Why am I locked in your room?” I say, my tone demanding answers.

“I think you know the answer to that yourself, love,” he says, no hint of teasing in his voice as he steps towards me.

I mirror his steps, backing up until my knees hit the bed, sitting down as he towers above me.

“You know,” he says quietly, looking me up and down, “I’ve pictured you in this bed for quite some time now, but it looked a little different than this in my head.”

“Different how?” I ask, flushing at the realization that I am actually on his bed.

He leans into me, his lips brushing mine before moving towards my ears.

“Different as in I didn’t anticipate needing to scour the city before finding you coked up and wandering the streets barefoot after running back to the guy who did all of this to you in the first place,” he whispers, a deadly calm taking over his voice.

I can’t help but pull away slightly at his tone, and when I do, I’m met with emerald green eyes seemingly on fire, the rage behind them barely contained.

I recoil at the sight, and Jax must notice the fear in my eyes, his own softening slightly at my reaction. He takes a deep breath, seemingly to steady himself.

“You have nothing to fear from me, love,” he says quietly, “You are one of very few people who can claim that.”

I loose a breath in response.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, unable to look him in the eyes, guilt coursing through my veins now that the high has waned from my system. “I’m sorry I did this again.”

He sighs.

“I know. I know you are. But you ran back to him. To him, love. Do you know what I thought when Ryan told me you were missing? When I specifically told you to stay by him to be safe? Only to find you wandering the streets, high out of your mind again? I thought… I thought…” He pauses, struggling to get the words out of his mouth.

“I know what men like Rhett are capable of. I knew it the first night I saw you with him, how he looked at you, how his friends looked at you.” He takes a shaky breath. I have never seen him so out of control of his own emotions before. “And after what we did to him… I should have killed him to eliminate any threat against you. But against my better judgment, I didn’t. I listened to you because, for some reason, I am completely and utterly yours to command. So, when you were missing, when Ryan said you were on his side of town, and when we couldn’t get ahold of you, I figured Rhett had done something to get revenge after we gave him a beating to remember. I thought I would find you and you’d be…” He trails off, unable to say the words out loud.

“It wasn’t like that Jax,” I start quietly. “I went to his apartment, he left, and I sat in the hallway alone.”

“It could have ended very differently,” he warns. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad Rhett has enough common sense left in him to know not to touch what is mine.” His hand touches me tenderly, sweeping across my cheek, as if he needs to convince himself that I am sitting here in front of him, completely whole and unscathed.

“I know, I know,” I say, my heart feeling heavy as the guilt of my choices weighs me down. “Trust me when I say you cannot be more disappointed in me than I already am. I’m sorry Jax, truly, and I promise I won’t do anything like this again. It was so stupid of me, and I can’t figure out why I keep making stupid mistakes.” Tears fall quietly down my cheeks, and I brush them away slowly.

“I think it’s more complicated than that,” he says, his smile forced. “I think sometimes we’re so used to being hurt that we find ourselves crawling back to those who we know will hurt us, wanting to see them throw the first punch rather than walk on eggshells waiting for a punch we don’t see coming, even if it never comes. We get so used to living a certain way that, sometimes, it’s easier to go back to what we’re accustomed to than to adapt to living differently.”

“That’s a bit fucked up,” I say, though I know he’s right. It’s easier to go back to what I know, what I expect, than to try and walk through unchartered territory.

“I won’t do it again,” I say quietly. “I promise. I know you were just trying to keep me safe, and I know I messed up, and I’m sorry for putting you through that.” My heart is racing as desperation grows within me, and I find myself needing Jax to accept my apology, wanting to make things right between us again. A mixture of guilt and anxiety swirls in my chest as I wait for his response.

“I know, love. And I know you won’t do it again. You can stay here this time, until you have a handle on everything. Ryan and I can keep a closer eye on you, and I’m sure you’ll find my room just as comfortable as yours,” he says. “I’ll be back in a couple hours, so try to get some rest. There’s a shower and bathtub through that door over there if you want to freshen up. I grabbed some of your clothes from your place, and you’ll find them in the drawers, but please feel free to opt out of wearing any clothes if you desire,” he says jokingly, his attempt to lighten the mood causing a stir of desire within me.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“I have some business to attend to, but I’ll see you later. Ryan will be outside the door if you need anything. And just in case you are wondering, these windows don’t open so don’t even think about it, love.” He winks at me, kissing me on the forehead before making his way back to the door. “If you need anything just knock.”

“Just knock?” I repeat out loud. Surely he can’t mean…

“Don’t you dare lock me in here!” I yell as I hop up from the bed, rushing to the door as he steps out of the room.

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