Page 74 of Find Me

“Coming right up.” Ryan’s movement through the kitchen is fluid, like a dance he has done many times before, and I wonder what the arrangement is between him and Jax.

Jax stands up and walks towards Ryan, helping him bring an assortment of food and drinks to the table.

The smell of coffee hits my nose first as they set the mugs and plates down on the table, the dishes clanging against the marble. Ryan has prepared a small feast for us all, and the food looks delicious. I help myself to an everything bagel as Jax and Ryan sit across from me, watching as I smother the bagel with cream cheese before meticulously placing a few slices of smoked salmon on top, followed by some capers.

“I never would have guessed you two are such foodies,” I say between mouthfuls.

Ryan smiles as pride flashes across his face. “Well, when you grow up like we did, you come to appreciate any food that doesn’t come in a can.” Both he and Jax trade knowing glances.

Quiet sweeps between us as they busy themselves eating, digging into the food at a record pace. I watch them as I finish my bagel, unsure of how they can eat so much food so quickly, the food disappearing as if it never existed.

I glance between them as they sit side by side, noting how they are so similar yet so different. Jax is hard like stone, his broad shoulders, muscular arms, and intimidating stare promising violence to anyone who crosses him. His eyes hide the invisible scars he carries with him daily. And while Ryan is the same in terms of stature, he radiates a laid-back energy that could put anyone at ease, and it’s only at times that I catch a glimpse of the darkness that hides behind his gaze. Knowing that these two would have each other’s backs against anything, and have been there for each other in the past, would make anyone think twice before crossing them.

I pick up the coffee mug in front of me, the warmth enveloping me as I take a sip. I cradle the mug in my hands, before quietly clearing my throat.

Both men look at me, pausing their efforts to devour the last of the crumbs in front of them.

“So, I’ve been thinking… a lot,” I start, my heart pounding in my chest as nerves threaten to overwhelm me. I’m squirming in front of them, my fingers fidgeting against my mug and my feet shifting below me.

I take a deep breath as Jax reaches for his own coffee before leaning back in his chair, his eyes never leaving mine.

Ryan leans forward, propping his elbows on the table.

“I just want to say that I’m thankful for everything you guys have done, and I’m sorry for what I’ve put you both through.” I let out a breath I didn’t realise I had been holding before continuing. “I know I’ve made some bad choices, and I know I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, but I’m done with that all now. I really don’t want to keep going down this path. I’m tired of always finding myself broken and trying to pick up the pieces, but unable to. And it is hard, so hard, to find myself thinking it’s easier to just stay broken, to stay at rock bottom, than to even bother trying to piece my life together anymore. But no matter how many times I keep falling down, you’re still here catching me.” I look at Jax, hearing the shakiness in my voice. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand if you don’t want me around anymore, and I know I don’t deserve anything you’ve both done for me.” I glance between them, my breathing unsteady, as I wait for someone to break the silence after my confession.

I look to Ryan, expecting some sarcastic retort, but to my surprise he’s staring at me with a pensive look on his face, his eyes showing a depth of emotion I’m not used to seeing from him.

It’s Jax who breaks the silence first, his firm voice echoing off the stone around us. “You, love, are not broken. Lost, maybe. But never broken. I don’t care how far you fall. If rock bottom drags you straight to Hell, I’d kill the devil himself to get you back, I promise you that much.” His words like a vow on his lips.

My nervousness is quickly replaced by something deeper, something stronger, something I don’t dare to say out loud just yet.

I wipe a tear away as Ryan shifts, leaning back, deep in thought, before opening his mouth to speak. “You’re worthy, you know that right, Evi?” he starts cautiously. “I know you’ve made mistakes, and you know it too, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. I won’t pretend to know about everything you’ve been through, but I do know that the second things become too much you try to escape them rather than deal with them, and that needs to change.” I nod silently as I look at my mug, processing everything that’s being said.

“What I’m trying to say,” he continues, “is that we’ve got you, and we’re here to help you if you need us. And I hope you know you can lean on us when things get hard instead of running from your problems.”

He takes a breath as I wipe the tears away, my heart bursting with gratitude for them both.

“Plus,” he adds with a hint of mischief in his voice, “I really hate cardio, so if we can all agree that you won’t lead me on a chase across the city, that’d be great.”

A half sob half laugh escapes my lips, and I look to see Jax thoroughly entertained by Ryan’s ability to lighten the mood.

I smile, and while tears still well in my eyes I feel more relaxed as I sit my coffee back on the table. “No promises,” I say, trying to give a playful wink as I attempt to compose myself again. “Also, I’m going to go back to work next week,” I add, reaching for the bowl of fruit on the table and scooping some melon onto my plate.

Both Jax and Ryan freeze, caught off guard by my sudden declaration.

“There’s no need. Your rent is taken care of as far as I’m concerned, or you’re welcome to stay here, the choice is yours.” Concern laces Jax’s words.

“Thank you, honestly,” I start, looking at him, “but I need the consistency, I need the money, and I need to get back to normal eventually. I can’t hide here forever or expect you to pave the way for me. And no offence, but I never want to be in a situation where I feel like I owe someone anything ever again. Plus, a part of me kind of wants to prove to myself that I can make it on my own, if that makes sense?”

Jax smiles at me before taking a sip of his coffee. “It does, love.”

“Well, now that we’ve sorted that all out what is everyone up to today?” Ryan inquires cheerfully before picking up another bagel and shoving it into his mouth.

I glance at Jax, not sure what he has planned for the day, but knowing exactly what I want to do.

“I think I’ll spend the day painting,” I say with a smile.

“I have some business to attend to, but it shouldn’t take long,” Jax says as he pushes his chair away from the table, the metal legs scraping against the stone floor. He looks at me as he stands. “Try not to miss me when I’m gone, love.” He winks.

---