Page 61 of F*cking Shattered

"Oh, thank God!" He rushes over to me.

"What's the matter? Did you think I wasn't coming back or something?" I ask as the workers remove my harness.

"You were so fucking quiet, I thought something went wrong. Who jumps like that and doesn't scream?"

Finally I'm free from all the ropes and buckles so I take his hand and lead him away. "I didn't jump. I fell. Just like with us. I didn't jump into this," I motion between the two of us. "I fell."

He leans into me, pressing his lips to mine.

"Next!" I shout exhilarated as he pulls away, I’m feeling my old, timid self, transform day by day. I know that I am no longer the same person I was before the trip began.

* * *

It's nearing dinner time by the time we leave the amusement park. River drives us to the shore. "What are we doing here?" I ask as he turns the car off.

"Getting dinner."

"Here?" I point at the yacht.

"Yeah. I arranged it. I wanted to do something with you before we had to head back."

“Thank you. This is so sweet.” He takes my hand in his and leads me up the ramp and onto the boat.

We sit at a small table on the elegant boat. A waiter serves us some wine while we slowly start drifting out into the ocean.

I take a sip and look across the table at River. I had no idea he could be so sweet. We’ve spent a lot of time together this summer, but it wasn’t spent “dating”. Sure we would eat together, drink together, and spent pretty much all our time together, but we were doing so as friends. I never looked at him and felt like I was in a serious relationship with him because we were just having fun.

This, sitting together on this boat, being waited on as the sun sets in the sky, it feels like a date. Maybe he’s trying to show me what really being together would be like. This is nice, but I don’t need it. All I need is him by my side, making me laugh so hard my face hurts. I need to be under him every night while he shatters me into a million pieces. And most of all, I want to tell him I love him, but I don’t know how to say the words.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” he asks me, his blue eyes meeting mine.

I shrug one shoulder. “Is this what dating you is like?”

He lets out a short laugh and shakes his head. “I don’t really know. I’ve never really dated before.”

I lean forward, needing to be closer to him for some reason. “You’ve never had a girlfriend?”

“No, not really. I mean, there have been girls, but none that I considered my girlfriend.”

I look around the ocean and the sky. “So did you do anything like this for them?”

“Nope. Back in New York, I stuck to the basics. Dinner, drinks, maybe a movie or play, but nothing ever like this.”

I smile, I can’t help it, but hearing how special this really is for him, it means that much more to me.

It’s completely dark by the time we are done eating. The waiter clears our plates and River stands, holding out his hand. “One more thing to check off that list today.”

“What’s that?” I take his hand as he leads me to the side of the boat.

“Look over there.” He points to my right. I turn and look.

There are dozens of lit up paper lanterns floating through the air. I inhale from the beauty of it. It reminds me of the list. Number fifty says: use a paper lantern to free something that’s holding you back.

I turn around to face him.

He’s holding two lanterns. “Time to let Katie go.”

I meet his eyes again, he’s blurry through my tears. When I look down, he’s holding out a lighter.

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