Page 55 of Of Course, Cutie

I felt my heart constricting thinking about Charlie still being sad over me. I thought she’d have moved on by now, too.

“But Charlie wasn’t acting out because she doesn’t do that. Even when life is shit, she keeps a good head on her shoulders.” Evan groaned. “I’m rambling, and I need to get to the point.” He looked up at me and locked me in a gaze worthy of the Spanish Inquisition. “Do you still love Charlie?”

Did I still love her? Like you could love a person like Charlie and ever stop. “Yes.”

Evan let out a sigh of relief. “Thank fucking god. Call her and tell her that. I will back off and never say another word. Our mom would like to meet you before she officially signs off, but chances are good that she’ll be cool with everything, too.” He set his beer on the table with a thud. “Just, please call Charlie.”

I wanted to do that more than anything. I wanted to hear her sweet smooth voice, make her laugh, make her sigh, but I wouldn’t. “Can’t do that.”

Evan blinked and frowned. “What? Why the hell not?”

“Because she deserves better.”

“Are you joking me?” Evan gave me the same look that Tess gave me earlier, like I was the dumbest fuck that ever walked the earth. “You’re this badass, tatted-up oil rig worker bartender, and you’re going to pull that shit?” Evan laughed and shook his head. “No, man, you don’t get to be all insecure like that.”

I glared across the table at my old boss. Punk kid. Charlie wasn’t a kid. He was a kid.

“Look, man.” The punk kid was still talking. “I’m wrong like, daily. But Charlie’s not. If she was willing to give you her heart on a silver platter, then you don’t just deserve her.” He paused. What the hell for? Dramatic effect? Evan leaned forward and said, “It means you’re the only one that deserves her.”

With that, he stood and polished off the last of his beer. “Thanks for the beer, Burke. Think about what I said. The longer you wait to believe that you’re enough, the longer Charlie hurts.” He tossed his empty bottle in the trash. “You know, I don’t think there’s a man in the world that thinks he’s worthy of a good woman’s love.”

The punk kid patted my shoulder before he showed himself out of my apartment.

I sat alone at my kitchen table, heart racing. Life didn’t give you the things you wanted. That wasn’t its game. Life was a cold bitch that liked to tease and take.

But Evan had just shown up here and handed me the one thing I wanted. I could have Charlie, and she wouldn’t lose her family.

I kicked back from the table and paced in front of my stove. I shouldn’t have fucked her behind her family’s back. I was wrong, and I’d been clinging to the guilt that came with my mistake.

But wasn’t it okay to be wrong? Didn’t it mean I was a little closer to being right? Could I make it right with Charlie?

Damn, I wanted to.

Finally, I pulled out my phone and texted Charlie a link to a song.

27

Charlie

When my phone buzzed, I ignored it. It was probably Matteo, and while I loved the shit out of him, I didn’t want to talk. I rolled out of bed and went to take a shower instead.

After that, Bea wanted me to make cookies with her and Sophia. It was her way of helping. Baked goods and sprinkles made Bea feel better when she was sad.

But the cookies reminded me of Tess, and I missed the shit out of her, too. I got close to her, and that beautiful little girl wormed her way into my heart. So I lost Burke. Whatever. Big fucking deal. I’d get over my first stupid love. But then I lost Tess, too, and didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to explain to her why I wouldn’t see her again, and that killed me.

Halfway through frosting my fifth cookie, I said, “Bea, this is sweet, but I want to be alone right now.”

“Oh, Charlie, I’m sorry. Break-ups are so hard! I swear I didn’t move off the couch for months after Jack and I separated!”

I gave her a weak smile. “Yeah. Thanks for trying, Bea.” This was nothing like losing Jack. Jack was an idiot. Guys like him were mainstream and all over the globe. Guys like Jack weren’t worth keeping in the first place.

I bent to press kisses to Sophia’s frosting-covered cheeks and headed back up to my room. I stood in front of my floor-length mirror and took a deep breath. My sad blue eyes stared back at me, and I hardly recognized them. Ugh. Pull it together, Charlie.

It was time to pick up my pieces.

I didn’t want to be this sad little person anymore, but who was I now? I wasn’t unbreakable, but I wasn’t fragile. I wasn’t stupid, but I wasn’t wise. I wasn’t a child, but maybe I wasn’t as mature as I always thought, either. Was it okay to be somewhere in the middle? Could I accept myself exactly as I was?

Well, Charlie, there aren’t a lot of other options. I spoke to my reflection, like a psycho, “I accept you.” I didn’t think it was honestly that simple. I didn’t think those three words had stitched all my fragments back together, but it was a starting place.

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