Page 57 of Relinquish

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Lola

“Obviously.” I snuggle under the blankets to get closer to him and gain some of his body heat. I should have turned up the thermostat when I came into the room–like that could have ever penetrated my lust-filled brain.

I smile as I picture him in the alleyway taking on four bullies, fists flying in all directions. The more he shares with me, the more I admire him.

“I honed my survival skills and was an excellent marksman. However, I found my calling with computers and strategic planning, which got me on the fast track to the SEALs. It was amazing. There’s no greater accomplishment than working together as a team to pull off the perfect mission. Some days we would sit motionless for hours, sweat dripping down our ass cracks, just to catch a glimpse of a foot soldier. Truman was my commanding officer.”

“What went wrong?”

He pauses for several seconds. “I haven’t told anyone outside of the military hearing and once to my family. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to process, grieve, that type of shit.”

“How about you don’t look at me while you tell me? Maybe that will make it easier.” I turn and press my back into his stomach. As he wraps his arms around me, I close my eyes.

“I was second in command. All the intel came to me. We’d spent months locating four American hostages. They were members of a private security company who’d been providing support to a team of doctors in a desolate suburb on the outskirts of a large city in the Middle East. I can’t give out the exact location.”

I nod. “I understand.”

“We found out they were being held in the basement of an abandoned school. The building was partially destroyed by mortar shells during an earlier raid. We were staged 100 feet from where the men were secured. From what we’d gathered, three men were guarding the hostages. Two of them were carrying machine guns, and one had a grenade launcher.”

My stomach clenches. “Heavy firepower.” I take a deep breath and exhale, reminding myself that no matter what had happened. Cade is still alive and here with me.

“The only time they let down their guard was when the runner brought their food. I had designed the plan for the rescue mission. The only problem was when we got inside the building, we discovered there was a group of kids who’d snuck into a room several yards away from the hostages. None of the intel gave any indication these boys would be there. Unfortunately, one of the teens saw us and knocked over a chair, giving away our presence in the building.”

“Shit.” Anxiety swells in my chest as if I’m there with him.

“All hell broke loose. Bullets were flying in all directions. Two of my men and I broke off from the rest of the team to rescue the teenage civilians. I guess the distraction was effective because, with the guards preoccupied, the other men were able to free the hostages with no fatalities.” He shudders and hauls me closer to him as if he needs me to feel better. “Which is pretty amazing considering they had bombs strapped to their bodies.”

“What happened to the boys?”

“We got them out before the building collapsed. The explosion knocked the remainder of the structure down on us. Two of my team weren’t so fortunate. They were caught under the rubble. Brigs ended up with a mangled leg, and Fargo was burned over twenty percent of his body from a grenade that detonated too close to him.”

“God, how awful. It sounds like they were lucky to survive. What happened to you?”

“I was caught under the wreckage. It took them several hours to unearth us. My leg was crushed, and the doctors didn’t think I would walk again. I also had fifteen pieces of shrapnel removed from my back from flying metal debris.

Tears fill my eyes, and one escapes, slipping along my cheek, landing in my hair, and wetting the pillow. God, he could have been killed. “I don’t understand. Why do you blame yourself? Everyone in the military realizes there’s danger. Soldiers are willing to take on those risks to save people, which sounds like what you did.” I roll over and look him in the eye. His are filled with sorrow and a mixture of acceptance and resignation.

“I was responsible for reviewing the intel and developing the rescue plan. More than that, I was responsible for those soldiers. Some of them still had baby fat on their faces. If I hadn’t missed the signs of the boys squatting there, no one would have been hurt. We had one of the best safety ratings of all the teams. Sure, some bruised body parts and maybe a few broken bones here and there, but overall, we were the best at what we did. They trusted me with their safety, and I failed them.”

“Well, it sounds like you were amazing at your job.” No wonder he spent so much time worrying about my well-being. He knows firsthand how important it is to account for every contingency. How easy it is for an operation to go wrong. And how painful it is to live with the consequences.

“I was.” He states matter-of-factly without a hint of cockiness.

“Do they hold you responsible for getting hurt?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been too afraid to accept their calls. I doubt they hold me as responsible as I’ve blamed myself.”

“I think it’s time for you to forgive yourself and find out. Maybe you shouldn’t wait for them to call again.” My eyelids became heavy as I listen to Cade’s steady breathing becoming deeper with approaching sleep. Hopefully, he’ll find some peace soon. He deserves to be happy.

As I feel myself begin to drift, he murmurs, “Maybe you’re right.”

Within minutes, Cade falls asleep, and I study him, suddenly unable to rest. He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met. Correction. Because of his scars, he’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. The ones on his back are minimal and have healed well from his injury. The ones on his thigh are more distinct. They weave and intertwine with some smoother places and some rougher, but they don’t change the man or the fact I love him.

I twist, and the necklace stabs me in the chest. Shit. I move it a couple of inches and run my hand through his hair. When he stirs in his sleep, I hold my breath and wait for him to settle down again.

He’s lived under the weight of being responsible for something no one else blames him for. I know it. There’s no way any of those soldiers blame him. It’s much more likely that they look up to him for getting everyone out alive, including those children who could have lost their lives. However, his self-punishment shows his loyalty and dedication to his team.

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