Page 47 of Save Me

It’s another blur of a day with all my thoughts being focused on my grandad, the one man in my family who I can still look up to. He has always been a friendly face in my life, and when we were living in England, he was very close to me. Now it seems I’ll never get the chance to see him again. He’s on my mind all through morning lessons, so much so, that I can’t even say which subjects I’ve had. By lunchtime, I’m at the end of my tether, so escape outside to call him.

“Hi, Grandad,” I say, trying to sound cheerful, “it’s Beth. How are you?”

“Beth? Oh, Beth, hello mate,” he says in his usual, jovial, London accent. “Not too bad, not too bad. How are you, mate?”

My heart warms at his voice, even though it sounds a lot weaker than I remember it. I should have taken the time to call him more, to make Mum take us back to visit more frequently, but I guess I always thought he’d be there. His getting sick never even occurred to me. He was as solid a figure in my life as Mum or Dad.

“I’m ok, but I miss you,” I admit with sadness.

“Well, I keep telling yer mum to come back. You should be here… with me!” he says resolutely.

“I know, but I guess we’re stuck where Dad’s business is now,” I reply, feeling nothing by guilty over our lack of contact with him. “Mum, Dad, and Riley are coming to see you at the weekend. I’m…I’m not allowed.”

“Yer mum said,” he says with a sad sigh, “it’s not right, Beth.”

I begin to cry down the phone even though I’m inwardly cursing myself for showing him how truly sad I am, but I can’t help it. I knew I was going to fail in that feat from the moment I heard him say, ‘hello, mate’, sounding just as familiar as he’s always been.

“Oh, mate, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry, Grandad, I just really wanted to see you.” I sniff loudly, just before I hear the bell ring shrilly across the buildings. I close my eyes tightly, enjoying the sting of tears but mainly feeling frustrated by my lack of time with him. “I’ve gotta go, Grandad, that was the bell.”

“Ok, mate,” he says as I hear his dejected sigh. “I’ll speak to you later, mate, look after yerself.”

“I will; you too. Bye, Grandad.”

“Bye, mate.”

As soon as he goes, I let it all out and slump against the wall, not caring one iota for missing the beginning of my afternoon classes. At this moment in time, the parking lot is the most deserted place for me to let all the ugly out without pitying stares or judging eyes. My shoulders begin to shudder while I struggle to get enough breath in my body to both cry and breathe at the same time. In fact, it’s not until I feel a warm arm float across my shoulders, that I manage to calm down. I don’t know who it is, but they feel comforting, like my old duvet back home. What is more, is the fact that those arms do not say anything, they just let me get it all out.

“I got you, Rose,” Kai eventually whispers as he drops his head on top of mine. “I’ll always have you, you’re my girl!”

Walking into social sciences with red-rimmed eyes and cheeks covered in tears and most likely a little snot, was certainly not on my to-do list today. A small tumbleweed wouldn’t look out of place when the whole room silently turns and stares right over to where Kai and I have just walked through the door. Sensing my awkward freeze on the spot, Kai takes hold of my elbow and pushes me over to our usual desk where we both sink down to try and look as invisible as possible. The sound of Xander loudly clearing his throat from behind has me desperately wanting to turn around to face him. However, I strengthen my resolve and tell myself to tell him off for it later.

Not one word of Mr Dalton’s voice makes sense to me in today’s lesson, not even when he said something to make the whole class erupt into fits of laughter. All I can think about is the swirling headache that is my life - Oliver, Grandad, Mal, and the fact that I can’t even say hello to my boyfriend at school.

The bell rings, signaling the end of the period, prompting me to gather my things and go through the motions of whatever it is I have next. Xander marches quickly past us, not even looking my way, but then I notice the small scrap of paper he’s just shoved inside of Kai’s hand. My best friend grins cheekily at me and pretends to take a sneaky peek before I grab it out of his hand with a chastising tut over his teasing.

It’s short, to the point, and scrawled out in handwriting that makes me think he should become a doctor because it’s that bad. I can only just about make out that he wants me to meet him at Bodhi’s place after school. I then begin smiling stupidly over the three little x’s at the bottom, literally turning me into a pathetic fangirl for him.

Kai comes with me to Bodhi’s house, resolutely telling me that he’s a part of this now, whether I let him be or not. Once inside the beach huts that smells of burning incense to mask the waft of stale bong pipes and musty beachwear, I leap into Xander’s arms. I breathe him in at the same time as he places his lips straight on top of mine.

“Get a room!” Bodhi scoffs, just as Annie slaps him upside the head with a beaming smile on her face.

“Hi,” Xander says with the silliest of grins, being only second to mine.

“Hi, yourself,” I reply before kissing him again.

“Er, Bodhi, do you have any spare bowls I can use to puke up in?” Kai asks, prompting us to finally break away from one another.

“Why were you crying today, Beth?” Xander pulls me over to sit down with a look of concern on his face. One that makes me stupidly happy because he obviously cares.

“My grandfather doesn’t have much time left, so my parents and Riley are going back to the UK to see him,” I explain sadly, “and I can’t go!”

“What! Why…oh,” he says, guessing correctly as to why I can’t go - Oliver. He closes his eyes tightly and I can see him mentally counting to ten, something he often does when he’s angry and needs to calm himself down. I laugh on the inside, realizing how much I’m beginning to recognize these little quirks of his.

“I don’t know what to say, Beth, that’s so unfair on you,” he finally murmurs, kissing at my temple and squeezing me that little bit tighter.

“Would you…I mean, not to sound needy or anything, but would you come over?” I hate the way I’m being so clingy at this early stage of the relationship, but I don’t want to stay in that house by myself, especially if Oliver finds out. Who knows what he’d do to me?

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