Page 124 of The Rogue's Curse

He shook his head. He was getting this all wrong.“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m not angry. I’m scared,” he said, holding Misha’s face. “You told me I was a raw nerve, and you’re right. For a long time, I didn’t care about much other than my family. And then I saw the way Alistair loved Shoshanna, and the way she loved him even though he’s a goddamned mess.”He laughed, and before he realized what he was saying, he said, “You know he and I were together many years ago?”

“You were?”

“We were,” he said. “I loved him when he was beautiful, and I still loved him even when he was cursed, but he couldn’t bear to let me see him. I thought I was some noble prick because I was still strong enough to love him, even though I hated him for years for turning me away. And then Shoshanna came along, and she had never seen anything but what he was then. With no memory of his beauty, no realization of the man he had been, she loved him. And I realized that I had never been loved like that in my entire life, and it was like everything broke inside me. I’ve watched my brothers falling in love, and desperately wanted to know when it was going to be my turn. And I had all but accepted that I didn’t deserve to be loved like that.”

“You do,” Misha said quietly. “If anyone does, you do.”

He dared to cup Misha’s cheeks, to stare into those weary eyes. “I feel like a decade has passed in these last few weeks, and I can barely remember not having you here. I sound insane, but I’m in love with you. “

Misha looked taken aback. “I— Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

He felt like he was going to vomit. “I shouldn’t have said it.”

“Why? Because it’s not true?”

Whatever walls he’d once erected lay in ruins at Misha’s feet. He threw up his hands and said, “Of course it’s true, and I feel like I’m flayed open every second I’m around you. I just—”

Misha took his hand and kissed it gently. “Paris, stop. I’m in love with you, too,” he said. “I just feel like a fool saying it after so little time, like there’s no way it could be true. It took me over a year to tell my last partner that I loved him, but this feels so different. I hardly feel like I’m worthy of someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” he spluttered. “You’re powerful and brilliant and beautiful. Why wouldn’t you be worthy? I should be the one saying that.”

“And you have the heart and soul of an avenging angel,” Misha said.

“I’m just terrified to lose you,” Paris said quietly. “Seeing you like this makes me realize how dangerous and delicate everything is. In some ways, it’s easier to be alone.”

“Easier, maybe…but better?”

“Not better. Not at all,” Paris murmured. He stared at the blade, then back at Misha. He offered his hand and said, “No more magic. Let’s go talk to Shoshanna.”

“Wait,” Misha said, pulling back at his hand. “I hid this from you, and that’s not all of it. You should know everything.”

Dread twisted in his belly. “What else?”

“The Crown ordered me to come home,” Misha said. “I called one of my mentors to ask for advice on the instability, and she called the Crown to tell them I wasn’t doing well. She meant well, I’m sure, but it’s inconvenient.” He sighed and said, “That’s understating it. It’s bad. I have to assume they think I’m going rogue.”

“When do they expect you back?”

“I’m supposed to leave tomorrow,” Misha said. He shook his head rapidly. “I’m not going.”

“Even with orders?”

“Fuck their orders,” he said sharply. “I came here to help, and then I found you. They’ll have to drag me away.”

Paris’s heart soared, and he knew then with unshakeable certainty what he had to do. “Let’s see Shoshanna and find out what she can do.”

They found the young witch eating a bowl of soup while she swiped through an ebook on a tablet with her free hand. She glanced up, dabbed at her mouth, and smiled. “How are you—” Her eyes glinted silver, and she was taken aback. “Misha. You look terrible.”

Paris nodded and said, “I need you to prepare for the ritual again tonight. We’ll get Misha drugged so he doesn’t resist you so much, but it has to be as soon as possible.”

Shoshanna frowned. “But you’re making the attack on Shea tomorrow,” she said. “There’s at least a fifty-fifty chance you’re out for a day.”

“Sasha woke up immediately,” he said.

“I mean, if eight hours is immediate,” Shoshanna grumbled.

Paris stared at Misha. He had combed his hair back on the walk, but he could still see those wild eyes and mussed hair, the image of terror and madness.

“Then I won’t go,” Paris said. “I’ll send Sasha, Safira, and Nikko in my place. Sasha’s a better fighter than I am, and Nikko has been itching to kill Carrigan Shea for months. And if they don’t finish him off, Safira will certainly do it.”

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